Why Not Fitting In Can Actually Be Good For You
Me, flying to Chile in 1980
I landed in Santiago, Chile when I was almost 7 years old. I was a picky eater who desperately missed her Cookie Crisp cereal and the warm weather of Miami. I barely knew how to write in Spanish and was the youngest in my class, with wild hair flying about. I never blended, not even in my teen years when I most craved acceptance.
Seventeen years later, I returned to the States. By then I had not only mastered the art of writing in Español (Spanish), but had made a living out of it as well. I was truly bilingual.
But being bicultural once again made me feel different, especially from those who had only lived in one place. Though I’ve learned how to adapt and find common ground with others, I am constantly stuck between different worlds. I feel totally American because I was born in the USA and have called it home for the past 15 years, but a part of my heart will always be Chilean, not only because my family lives there, but because that long, skinny country adopted me and shaped who I am in so many ways, for so many years. I am of both cultures.
And it is this knowledge, this understanding of different worlds, that I want my kids to have no matter where they live.
Raising Bilingual Children
I have two amazing, challenging, bilingual children who are growing up knowing diversity and different cultures. We speak Spanish at home at all times, and yet, they also know English because we live in America. I love the fact that they know both cultures; it’s part of who we are as a family.
My days are split between two languages, between tummy aches and “dolores de guata” (tummy ache in Chilean Spanish). I navigate constantly between the stay-at-home and working mom worlds (and no, I don’t believe in the mommy wars), between wanting to be perfect and falling short, between blending and standing out.
No soy de aquí ni de allá, says a song in Spanish, literally meaning I’m not from here nor am I from there.
But not fitting in is exactly the point.
Why not fitting in can work for you
It used to bother me quite a lot. I wondered what was wrong with me. Now this chameleon-like ability actually fills me with satisfaction and empowerment. Thanks to not quite fitting into one tidy, pretty category, I get to step outside of the box every single day, meet and build relationships with diverse people in the most unexpected places. I feel inspired by diversity. And if I were always in my comfort zone, in one clearly defined category, I probably would not even meet half the people I engage with.
So, if you’ve ever felt something’s wrong with you, stop thinking that. And just begin reflecting on what it has enabled you to do. On how it enriches your life. On how unique you are. On the people it has allowed you to meet. Celebrate it.
But never forget that there’s nothing wrong with those that do find their own place in ways and areas you don’t. We can all co-exist and bring joy into each other’s lives, if we just stop wanting others to be like us.
Read Jeannette´s blog in Spanish and find more of her writing on Todobebé. You can also watch her on the Viva la Familia TV show Saturdays on Univision.
And reach out to her on Twitter and Facebook. She loves it!
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I can relate so much to what you wrote, Jeannette! I, for many years, felt I didn’t fit in being from Latin America and living here in the US for so long. I can say I have finally found a wonderful way to blend it all in and to appreciate it for what it is. Like you say in your article, it has enriched my life.
¡Gracias por este excelente artículo, amiga!
Amiga, gracias por leerlo y comentarlo. Que sigamos enriqueciendo nuestras vidas con la diversidad y nuestra amistad!
Great article and perspective! As I raise my biracial/bicultural children, I will heed your advice and focus on how not fitting into a box can actually benefit them. Gracias!
Thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment! I really think it can work to your advantage but as a mom it’s important to give them perspective and confidence in who they are.
That is what makes you unique Jeannette! Every time I step out of my own box gives me the opportunity to meet more people that enrich my life , like you;) I would love that my teen son would take some internship in South America to awaken his dormant spanish which he understands, but doesn’t speak. Do you think it is too late at 19 ? I spoke only Spanish to him for the first 2 years of his life.
I don’t think it’s ever too late, Blanca. Understanding the language and the culture is the first step. Fluency comes by practicing a second language on a daily basis. And you’ve done an amazing job as a mom already, so I’m sure he will be inspired if you motivate him to spend some time in South America or Colombia.
I spent a year in Santiago in my 20s as a young journalist and was so incredibly inspired! I’d love to hear more about your childhood there as an American and how that transformed you. As someone who was always travelling before babies, I can’t believe how steady and sendentary our lives are now. With little money for exotic adventures, we have lived in the same place for a decade and my kids have limited experience with being thrown into the fire of difference. I think that’s a huge and important rite of passage that I hope to give them someday. Thanks for the great story!
Cori, so great to hear you were in Santiago! And I’m a journalist, too. I used to work as a TV news reporter on Channel 13 (Canal 13). I won’t lie to you, when I moved there it was extremely hard to adjust. The Chile of 1980 was very different from the Chile of today. Maybe I’ll share that perspective at a later time, because it really did open up my mind to live in such a different country and culture, although my parents tried to have us travel to the US on a yearly basis. Regarding your children, I’m sure that you can open their minds a bit by exposing them to diverse cultures even if you cannot travel with them for now. It’s hard to travel when it’s so expensive. I think that by at least teaching our children that there is more to the world than where we live in, when they grow up they will feel the need to explore other cultures. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment and share your own experience!
Catalina, so glad to be able to remind you that. It’s just hard to not fit into a typical mold, but I really believe it makes you who you are. Besos y abrazos!
And this is what makes you the amazing, caring, beautiful, unique mujer you are.
It is so great that you were able to do that. I was able to experience it too, not as much time as you and I don’t remember the bad parts of not fitting in. I guess I was too little, but not little to be able to learn to read and write and think also in English so when I came back to Venezuela the English was “in” my system! Thanks for sharing Jeannette!
As usual, I admire you. I don’t fit in anywhere and I finally decided it’s the best way to be!
Thank you for this blog, Jeannette! I relate to a lot of what you wrote. I grew up speaking Spanish in Miami and when I was 14 we moved to an English-speaking anglo neighborhood in suburban New Hampshire. Initially, I resented being the “outsider” but now I cherish the ability to fit in almost anywhere and to be of two cultures. I like the word you use to describe us — chameleons! So true.
Sabes que te admiro y quiero mucho Jeannette, tu haces la diferencia en muchos sentidos y siempre traes algo positivo a la vida de todos
I was raised by parents who were English as a second language, and me and my siblings spoke German before English. Over the years we lost most of it, but after high school I lived a year in Germany and it all came back! I teach my children both languages and both cultures too, and spending a year in my homeland was one of the best experiences of my life. I will definitely encourage my kids to do the same.
Very well written Jeanette! I never post any comments after I read the articles, but I must share with you that I loved what you wrote here. I completely agree with you that not fitting in is the point!
I landed in Santiago, Chile, a little older than your age then, when I was nine and lived there for seven years. Being from Taiwan, it made me very exotic to the locals as there were very few Asians in Santiago back in the 80′s. I have since then moved to Los Angeles, New York, and now living in Shanghai.
It has been difficult being multi-cultural and I really don’t like the very simple question “where are you from?”. As people always want to categorize you and expect a simple answer, I now just tell them “everywhere!” and they just become amazed that I can speak fluent Mandarin, Taiwanese, English and Spanish!
Just like you, I always feel very inspired by diversity and I loved the fact that I
grew up in different countries. Although it’s difficult at times to feel that people really can’t understand my background well, I wouldn’t have it any other way! I strongly encourage all mothers out there to expose their kids to different cultures and languages and I myself plan to do so with my own.
I recall during one of the visits back to Santiago, the custom officer asked me “por que hablas español?” (why do you speak spanish?) After I explained to him why, it was very heart-warming to hear him say “entonces eres mitad
Chilena!” (so you are half Chilean!)
Natalie, thanks so much for sharing your story! And yes, I agree: eres medio chilena! And for the record, I’m in awe of how many languages you speak.
Sorry Jeannette! I typed your name wrong with only one “n” above.
Jeannette – great post! Imagine my confusion growing up with a Brazilian mom, a Ukrainian dad (who grew up in Brazil – so we spoke Portuguese at home) and my Ukrainian grandparents (who after years of living in Brazil, really only spoke Ukrainian). Like you, eventually learned that this thing that set me apart as a kid was actually what made me interesting to people when I became an adult, and I’ve embraced it!
Martha, thanks so much for taking the time to read and comment. It’s really confusing when you’re young but it’s great how we have learned to make the most out of it. Hugs!
It’s always such a pleasure reading you especially when it comes to your personal story. I find so interesting the fact that you feel that way ’cause even though I was born and raised in Venezuela I feel the same way now that I live here…
Thank you for being so authentic, so down to earth and authentic!
Hugs,
Maybelline
Well, you know this is how I feel because I said it today at the retreat!
I never quite fit in anywhere and it has taken me years to come to grips with it. Actually, I’m STILL working on it. I had a great two days soaking up more information than I thought I would ever have thrown at me (in a good way) and it was great to meet you! Nos veremos denuevo! Beso grande, Ma.José
WHOA. Now THAT’S a credo, chica! Thank you for putting into such beautiful prose what I have felt my entire life, not just with being an American Latina, but also with having spina bifida and navigating between the special needs community and the “mainstream” community.
I’ve never quite fit in. But you, mi hermana, are so beautiful, witty and talented and do just fine not fitting in. Tu me inspiras.
Laurita, thanks so much for your beautiful words. De verdad. You have such a special place in my heart, ever since that first hug at BlogHer. At this point, why fit in? Let´s just stand out!
Wow this is GREAT Jeannette! So many kids who are bullied need to read this! Its a good reminder that what makes us so different ultimately makes us more special later in life.
I remember not fitting in growing up in El Paso. I felt like I was the only “guera” in school but luckily I embraced it and was happy to stand out from the crowd. Wish I would have known you in El Paso — us gueras would have had a great time together. LOL!
It was a pleasure meeting you! You are an amazing public speaker and I look forward to seeing you in the near future!
Best wishes!
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