Blame Stay-at-Home Moms for the War on Women
Image via Library of Congress
I’m to blame for the coming demise of feminism.
That’s right. According to one cranky woman with a soapbox, I’m the kind of gal who’s killing female equality.
Elizabeth Wurtzel, author of the book Prozac Nation, is taking on a new topic — she says women who can afford to be stay-at-home mothers are killing feminism, while at the same time inciting the newest round of the Mommy Wars!
Who knew that someone like me could single-handedly end a movement that’s been around since the days of Mary Wollstonecraft (the mother of the woman who penned Frankenstein) and fan the flame under a new skirmish in a war that I hate! Here I thought I was just taking care of my family and working from my home office to add to our bottom line!
However do I find the time for all that and manage to dismantle centuries of women’s equality efforts?
According to Wurtzel, mothers like me can’t be feminists if we step off the career ladder even for a moment to take on full-time parenting duties. Feminists, she says, earn their own money and don’t rely on men. And since motherhood isn’t a paying job, it’s not a real job in her book; therefore, she claims it logically follows that stay-at-home moms can’t be feminists.
I’ll give you a moment to collect yourselves and let that sink in.
But Wurtzel goes further in stoking her own brand of mommy wars, contending that stay-at-home mothers are just Chanel-shopping, mani/pedi-getting burdens on society who are sending pure feminists like her back to the stone ages. Wurtzel suggests that mothers who can afford to raise their own children and not work outside the home for money are little more than trophy wives who claim they’re caring for their children, when they’re really just lunching at the club with the girls while the nannies are home doing the heavy lifting.
So it seems that my 20+ pre-motherhood years as a working professional with two degrees and some pretty nice titles mean nothing. For Wurtzel, as soon as I stepped off what she deems an appropriate feminist track, all my accomplishments, education and, I’m guessing, brains were erased, leaving “champions” like her to move women forward. In Wurtzel’s world, my feminist bona fides were wiped out by one little girl. And she wants the world to believe that my role in parenting that one little girl is a traitorous act to the sisterhood.
Now I know I don’t technically fall into her category of not doing any paying work, since I’m fortunate that I can work from a home office to manage various parenting duties, instead of having a 60+-hour-a-week office position using my law degree that would require me to either hire full-time help or have a laundry list of excuses when I’d need to take my daughter to a doctor’s appointment, soccer practice or if I wanted some time off to attend one of her school performances. But because I have the financial flexibility to split my time between working at my computer and managing the carpool, I know I am just as much in Wurtzel’s cross-hairs as are traditional stay-at-home mothers.
What is Wurtzel’s proof for her diatribe against moms? Why her own personal experience, of course! The unmarried and childless Wurtzel claims that most of the stay-at-home mothers she’s met do nothing around the house that would qualify as work. Her inference that these women are a lazy, good-for-nothing mommy wannabes isn’t subtle. As someone with a degree in political science, I’m a bit of a polling junkie, and I dare say that her sample and data collection efforts are seriously flawed and don’t come close to supporting her conclusion.
But her uber-judgmental view of professional women who become stay-at-home mothers is nothing new. We’ve heard this nonsense before — that any woman with a college degree who “opts out” of their career sets us all back (even though that so-called theory of opt-out motherhood has been soundly debunked by actual evidence). Now Wurtzel is taking up the mantle of mother-bashing for her generation.
What I find just as disturbing as Wurtzel’s premise is that a publication as well-respected as The Atlantic would publish such a rant. I suppose I shouldn’t be all that surprised that she found an outlet for her unsupported theory since we live in an era of traditional and online media competing for eyeballs and ad revenues. I know full well that much of the time, well-reasoned analysis loses out to the the written equivalent of whirling dervishes sending us into a pop culture spin.
So will Wurtzel’s argument pick up where the “Ann Romney never worked a day in her life” meme left off? Sadly, at least among women who self-identify as feminists, it will. Some I know are already jumping on that bandwagon – ones without children who have yet to come to the realization that the mere act of becoming a mother can make you more of an activist, feminist, or advocate because of the new lens through which you view the world. Sadly, I expect that her unfounded musings will gain much more attention than any commentary calling her out for her inflammatory remarks.
And if Wurtzel’s own mother is living, I hope she sends her daughter to her room without dinner for believing it was a good idea to throw so many hard working women under the bus.
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Honestly, both of these points are incredibly privileged. Statistically, stay at home mothers are young, latinas. Not well-off white women with degrees. I am beyond exhausted from hearing from the same women writing about the same issue. Which is a non-issue. Where are the working poor women, where are the women of color, where are the queer stay at home mothers? What do THEY think? What is THEIR position? That’s who I want to hear from.
For years, I attempted to find myself in the pages of books about feminism and mothering and all I found was a bunch of academic, stay at home mothers complaining that their husbands didn’t do their fair share and how do they still make tenure. It was beyond frustrating. Because, at the end of the day, I WISH that was my one and only concern.
And the Atlantic should know better: Wurtzel’s career died back in the 90′s. When, within the past decade, has anyone talked about her? Now she’s relevant? Nicely played, Wurtzel.
I’d like to send her somewhere- and it’s not the stone age.
I would have taken the time to think up a more cohesive and clever reply, but drone’s like this who keep fanning the flames of these ridiculous so-called “Mommy Wars”, don’t deserve more than the 10 seconds it took me to write this reply.
If she is indicative of the people helping advance the cause of feminism, heaven help us all.
I am sad that we still are having this conversation some thirty years after I graduated from college. Women need to stick together.
I would write a more nuanced comment to this, but the nanny tells me it’s time for my daily Pilates class. Ta ta!
Thank you for writing this, Joanne. That article sent me into a rage that rendered me speechless. You’ve articulated a lot of what I wanted to say about this.
How insulting to women to demean what they do. Feminism isn’t about working outside of the home. It’s about being given equal opportunity to make choices and not be treated unfairly based on gender. Her viewpoint strikes me as being as narrow and unbalanced as the sexist ones she proclaims to dislike.
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http://the-quiet-corner.blogspot.com/
Liz, I agree this is a topic that only women with means can engage in — most other people are too busy to engage in thinking about who is or is not to “blame” for certain culture wars. Interestingly, Wurtzel goes easy on low income mothers, choosing to focus on the middle and upper class women she believes are betraying feminism. Sadly, I’m sure this is more about Wurtzel trying to stay relevant more than anything else. As for The Atlantic, I understand this is just the warm-up act — I heard through the grapevine that the July/August cover will really set a bonfire under the “mommy wars” meme. Why? Because it sells. :(
My husband is going to be shocked to learn he married a trophy wife.
Yeah well when that lady is in her golden years maybe she’ll realize that stupid opinions based on inexperience aren’t as fulfilling as family. I’d love to see that bitch come to my house, handle all my responsibilities (including my 8 year, 6 year, and 8 month old), and still find time to be all stuck up and self righteous. A lot of women went through quite a bit to give us the right to vote and be recognized among the population as just as important. They also fought for our CHOICE. What if raising my kids the right way so the next generation isn’t made up of a bunch of damn criminals is more important to me than burning my bra? Screw that lady.
Well, actually, you mischaracterized the claim. Her claim is that SAHMs damage economic equality which is statistically true. While all of the diatraibic vitriole of the author is certainly unecessary, perhaps you should examine her claim a little more closely before putting an incredibly simplistic and misunderstood version of the argument on a public blog.
Chloe, That is merely one of her claims and not even a fair one. There is clear economic benefit for some couples to have a stay-at- home parent, or to share those duties, because it is financially unfeasible to hire child care. Wurtzel’s theory is a clear attempt to bash a certain sector of society for her own personal gain. And, given the tone, I have to wonder if she herself is sorry about her own position.
Nothing is gained in the feminist movement by attacking — perhaps if Wurtzel had actually done some research, rather than relying only on stay-at-home moms she know personally, she would have had a piece worthy of actual discussion.
My choice to stay home is just exactly what it is my choice, We fought for those rights…..or so I thought. Economically, it is not even a realistic idea for me to work outside the home. I have 3 children who are 7, 4 and 1 years of age. Who works just to pay daycare? While I run the kids to school, pay bills, clean the home, do the shopping(whether its food or clothes), running the kids to sports and taking care of our 2 dogs. I have no time for Tea! I am a military wife, who is constantly being moved around, supporting my husband. I do have a degree in the medical field. I chose to care for my children for free, which is priceless in itself. Sickening that men like my husband fight for this country so these close-minded, so-called “feminists” can bash other women..
So glad that’s what my children and I sacrifice the head of our family for.
WOW…I am flattered to know that I fall into trophy wife status…who knew?
Feminism is about choice…as “incredibly simplistic” and “misunderstood” as it may be. I chose my path….because it is MY right to do so…It is about MY body, MY mind, and MY family.
Ah this topic always remains a hot one. These are such personal choices and I don’t think really have to do with femininism. Sometimes people are afraid of who they are and what they want to do so they have to make stuff up to feel better.
Patty Gatter, Owner
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isnt the right to be able to choose what you want to do what the point of feminism is not to be pushed into a life that you do not want
Real feminists don’t rely on men? The only way us working moms can make things work is by relying on our husbands and partners to help out around the house, with the kids, etc. By her logic, it stands to reason, then, that we’re not feminists either. Ridiculous. The woman knows not of what she speaks and her claims really don’t merit debate. And I say let’s start a ban on the Atlantic and any other stupid media coverage that fans the mommy wars flames.
I’m a pregnant working mom. I have to work to help support my family and to keep myself sane. I have the utmost respect for stay at home moms. Although I work I also do the housekeeping, the errands, take my daughter to softball games, I’m her assistant girl scout troop leader and I’m the program manager for our local girl scout daycamp. I’m often exhausted and feel overwhelmed, I actually use work as an escape. Sometimes I feel like a super mom (who of us doesn’t?), but I would never disparage a mom that does all that excluding working a day job. Women have to stick together to create a better future for the next generation. The mere fact that we choose to procreate and actually be present in our families lives doesn’t make us lesser women. In fact, in my humble opinion it makes us super women!
[...] Joanne Bamberger at PunditMom has a different take on Wurtzel’s piece. I don’t agree with much of what she writes, but she writes it so well that I’m linking anyway. Share this:StumbleUponDiggRedditLike this:LikeBe the first to like this. [...]
i agree with amy s. Ignore all the mommy war b.s. Don’t buy the atlantic, ignore wurtzel. when fabricated mommy wars stop selling, media outlets will stop their coverage.
Whatever. I just keep doing what I do, and know its the best for me and my own. My husband “works” for pay, I don’t. I really couldn’t give a rats you-know-what what any side thinks. We make it work.
[...] The Atlantic has decided to publish a story to stoke the faux mommy wars. Joanne “PunditMom” Bamberger took it on gracefully for a column at Babble. [...]
Sadly, I think more publications and outlets that have traditionally been about hard news or serious news now understand the kind of readership they can get with stories like Wurtzel’s. I go back and forth between whether we should just ignore them or whether it’s important to call them out, because there doesn’t seem to be a demand for stories that say there really isn’t a mommy war. That said, I was truly disappointed in some of my feminist sisters who thought that the underlying theme of Wurtzel’s piece was true. :(
http://www.punditmom.com/2012/05/the-conflict-there-isnt-any-for-most-moms
so im a trophy wife? with a nanny? so why am I doing all the housework,cooking, and childcare? lunches at the club? does the vending machiene a the YMCA count? LOL. I thought feminism was about making our own choices not following what people tell us we should do. I guess to her its about making the same choices she did not being my own person. well sounds like to me shes a judgemental person that needs to mind her own business. Im proud to be a stay at home mom but Im also proud of women who choose to work a paying job. Its about choice!!!!!!
I am a full time stay at home mom. I do not have an at home business, or anything that makes money. However, if I were to go to work, I would end up paying more in childcare than I would make from my paychecks. It is an economic necessity that I stay home with my son. My husband works a job that is his career, as in he wakes up excited to go to it. I can’t even begin to think of a job that would make me feel like that, besides the economic benefit we get from me staying at home to work on housework and cooking so we go out to eat less. We save money that we desperately need by me staying at home, and I am more happy getting to play with my son everyday than I ever was at my former day job. If I were to find a job I enjoyed, I would have to weigh out the cost of childcare for my son and soon to be born daughter versus the paycheck, and most of the jobs around here would come up extremely lacking, plus I would have less flexibility to deal with illness or household/family matters. Why doesn’t she comment on the expensive daycare costs that FORCE many women to stay at home, even if they didn’t want to? Luckily, I did want to, besides it being a huge economic benefit to my family.
Based on Prozac Nation, EW is a spoiled, entitled little brat.
She’s just trying to make sure people are paying some attention to her. My mother was at home with my sister and I until were in kindergarten and worked on her Masters at the same time. Then she got started her career. I am thankful that she was able to have that time with us.
Stop the hating, Lizzie.
There are a lot of problems with Wurtzel’s article, but I just wanted to point out that the premise was meant to be that WEALTHY stay-at-home moms in the top 1% were hurting feminism. That said, she did a pretty terrible job of following through on that premise, and ended up making a ton of statements that seem to generalize to all SAHMs instead of the ones she says she has mostly experienced – wealthy urban women who don’t work for a paycheck, but also don’t really do the work of caring for their kids and managing their home. I can see how her article would offend SAHMs in general, but I don’t think she intended to include SAHMs that really are doing the work of raising kids and managing their homes, and for whom it doesn’t make sense to work because the cost of daycare is too high. Regardless, I think her analysis was pretty poorly thought-out and not well presented, and it’s probably better to just ignore her rather than spending a lot of energy getting upset and offended about it.
I thought the feminist movement was to give women equal rights as men and the right to choose. If a woman such as Wurtzel prefers to be a childless workaholic or if she does have children and chooses to still work outside of her home then that is her CHOICE.
By criticizing, judging, and putting down women who CHOOSE to stay home and raise their children, care for their home, and do the millions of things that stay at home mothers do, Wurtzel her self is being anti-feminist. As my mother used to say “thank you Gloria Steinem now I have to work a full-time job and still do everything around the house and raise the kids.” While it is totally wrong to say a woman’s place is in the home it is equally wrong to say she is of no value unless she works.
If Wurtzel really wanted to help the feminist movement then she should work towards wage equality and why fields typically dominated by women (teaching, nursing etc) are always lower paying than fields dominated by men, instead of going after other women for choosing to stay home and raise their children.
What if you work for an NGO, in a pretty-much-full-time capacity BUT don’t actually get paid to do so? Are you a feminist then? Or is it ONLY unremunerated-thus-unworthy SAHM’s that are anti-feminist? What if you are a nanny or mother’s help and therefore do most of the things a SAHM would do BUT receive your salary from doing this?
Gosh.
I really don’t think it’s fair grouping the whole Ann Romney stay at home thing with the plight of most working or non-working mothers. I’m sure she did a fine job but let’s face it, someone with that kind of familial income doesn’t face the same set of obstacles that that most mom’s do. I doubt she was ever concerned about bill management or putting food on the table.
I’m totally bored by this subject and think that, similar to how I parent misbehaving children, the “behaviour” should not be given attention.
I work outside the home, and guess what: I do everything a stay-at-home mom does AND I work outside the home. Laundry and dishes still need to be done, kids still need to be taken to activities, and meals need to be made. Those things don’t evaporate miraculously when I go to work every morning. I’m tired of hearing how “hard” SAHMs have it. Try working full-time and balancing everything. Staying home is a privilege.
Yeah, because all feminism is about is careers. What a nut job. And I always find it so charming when a single childless woman has all kinds of opinions on what married mothers do or don’t do. As far as sitting on my ass all day, when I’m not shopping for designer goods that is, HAH! I WISH. No, actually I don’t wish, because that would make me lazy and shallow. Which I’m not. Even though I’m a stay-at-home mom. Guess what. I got laid off when my son was 6 months old. And I had trouble finding gainful employment that could pay for good childcare and still leave me with some money in the end. Pardon me, but I won’t work for peanuts so someone else can raise my children. And that doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist. Wurtzel is nothing more than a judgmental, self-righteous joke of a woman.
I work outside the home due to economic necessity (and yes, it is a NECESSITY – I pay the mortgage on an average-sized house, not just for the niceities of dinners-out and vacation. My husband has major student loans.). However, I don’t feel I am advancing equality very much from my beige cubicle. Unfortunately I have a job, not a career. Most of the people (not just women – men too) I know work because they have to. If I won the lottery I would walk out the door instantly and never look back. So would my husband.
I’m really tired of the Atlantic stoking the war between women. The breastfeeding stuff was annoying, and now this. Anyway, the way I see it is unless you are very wealthy it is HARD no matter if you stay at home or work outside the home. And maybe even with wealth it is hard. I wouldn’t know.
The only problem a feminist should have with women staying at home is when women are WANTING to work and not able to find work that would be available were they men. That’s it. Furthermore, real feminists are promoting family-friendly policies that will help women out – longer maternity leaves, subsidized breastpumps, subsidized daycare, expanded preschool programs, etc.
I am pregnant mother of a two and a half year old. We live in a rural area and have made lifestyle choices, and some might say sacrifices so that when our first child was born I would be able to devote myself to the task of rearing a child. I was just thinking the other day, about the way most women view themselves and there bodies with respect to childbirth, and how I believe that the femisit movement (which has done a world of good) has done a huge disservice to the female psychy. Feminism should be about promoting the freedom of women to express themselves and choose for themselves the life they want. Unfortunately many proclaimed feminists seem to have the same loathing and fear of the female body and mind as those who have oppressed us. Why do so many women belive that they are somehow inadiquate and therefore unable to consider having a natural childbirth for instance. Or whay do we feel we have to be a stay at home mom who works from the computer and is involved in local politics…Being a feminist should not require you to live “like a man”…why are the tasks that were identified as “mens work” the most desireable? Why dont we spend more time placing renewed value on “womens work”? Dont get me wrong if you are an independent woman who is driven to excell in a chosen field…well done! I am merely offering that the choice to honor do what you are biologically designed to do (have babies, nurse babies and rear babies) should be something we celebrate, not something we feel we have to justify. I will also say that staying at home with my baby is by far more chalenging than anything else I have ever done.
“So will Wurtzel’s argument pick up where the “Ann Romney never worked a day in her life” meme left off? Sadly, at least among women who self-identify as feminists, it will. Some I know are already jumping on that bandwagon – ones without children who have yet to come to the realization that the mere act of becoming a mother can make you more of an activist, feminist, or advocate because of the new lens through which you view the world.”
Sounds like you are painting with a brush as broad as Wurtzel’s. Self-identified feminists will all be on board with this? And you are certain of this, because “some you know” are seeming to find merit in the arguments?
I wish we could all be more curious, and less sensitive. I am really interested in the affect working, or taking time off to raise children, has on the status of women. But where is an unbiased discussion of this topic?
Most women (and men) try to do what is best for themselves and their families. That’s a given. But there are always unknown affects. From the summary of the article you mentioned, it sounds pretty useless, but I’ll check it out and see if that is a mischaracterization. I do know that my own wonderful SAHM is trapped in an abusive marriage because a lifetime without financial value left her helpless. At the very least, it DOES seem like an issue of feminism to me to address how we can fairly monetize the work of motherhood.
I completely agree that Wurtzel’s assessment of the issue is less than nuanced. As some mentioned many moms stay home because of the affordable childcare issue. I am a SAHM and recently my best friend went back to work because her husband was laid off and hasn’t been able to find a permanent job. He’s trying to start his own business and picks up contract work when he can but it’s not enough. She works as many shifts as she can but she isn’t always able to find affordable childcare. I offer to watch her 3 daughters for free as often as I am able so she can pick up extra hours but I wouldn’t be able to if I wasn’t a SAHM. She usually makes dinner for her daughters and my family for the nights she works which is way cheaper than day care or a sitter.
One thing unaddressed by so many articles about the “mommy wars” is the unpaid volunteer work many SAHMs give to the community while their kids are in school. Many nonprofits and schools are struggling and SAHMs often fill in gaps left by budget cutbacks. I know my local library and schools really depend on it. Working parents really work hard to help out and provide valuable services too the reality is that they don’t have as many hours available as SAHMs.
I’m taking down an entire movement with every diaper change? I’ve never been so proud of my (apparent) multi-tasking skills!
“20+ pre-motherhood years as a working professional with two degrees and some pretty nice titles mean nothing” If you have all those accolates plus the luck to be able to work from home while raising your kids, why will a statement from an ignorant woman make you feel like you have to explain what you are doing. She does not have a nickel in your pot, so her words only denote on of the benefits of living in a democracy :)
Wow MBaker, kudos to you. You are kind of like the “village” to you friend and believe me, as a working mom that cannot afford to stay home with kids, I can tell you that your work really means a lot.
I agree the Wurtzel article is garbage but I am really disappointed in this rebuttal. This post seems to blame the “unmarried and childless.” This author actually uses this phrase a few times, all with derogatory intentions.
If it’s not an article about SAHM vs working mom it’s an article about childless women vs. moms. Please, can we stop the stupid mommy wars.
did you see article in today’s Atlantic about work life balance by Anne-marie Slaughter? much more professional tone, much less divisive, much more thoughtful than wurtzel’s. http://tinyurl.com/7k5lmh2
I don’t give two you know whats what that woman has to say. I stay home b/c I WANT TO. I’m fortunate enough that I have the choice and that’s the choice I made for MY FAMILY, no one else’s. The fact that there is still a debate over working vrs SAHMs is shameful to me. Experts need to stop fueling this debate. The “Mommy Wars” only hurt all mothers in the end. We need to be supportive and stick together!
I have a career and I work 65-85 hours a week… and though my husband works a little, his income is negligible. I had this career when we met, and thus I am the default breadwinner in the family. He does more childcare than I do. I wish I could work less, but economic necessity dictates otherwise. I admit, like Wurtzel, I get a little fed up with the 1%-er SAHMs. They seem so self-righteous and eager to tell the rest of us how to live, what to value, what to buy, how to structure our lives as moms. I’m an avid reader (20 magazines a month, a book a month, the NYT daily), and so I have enough of a taste of these elite SAHMs that they do leave a bad taste in my mouth. There was a time (before I had a career) that I was engaged to a man who was going to provide for me. I got pregnant when we were engaged. And then he left me when he found out I was pregnant. At the time I had no checking account, no money of my own, no place to live, no health insurance, and I’d left graduate school to marry him. I was a feminists’ nightmare…. and I think I was the woman that Wurtzel wants to warn against. Sadly, she didn’t articulate this in her article, but I get that she wants to make sure that no woman ends up like I ended up. Scared, alone, powerless and penniless. Needless to say, I went back to post-bacc pre-med and became a doctor. I GET what she was trying to say, and there IS an important lesson her essay…. she just didn’t do a good job of articulating it.
I hate it when SAHPs say that they are SAH so they can raise their own children. This crap seems to turn into tit for tat. One side or the other can’t just express disagreement with an extreme view without taking a pot shot. This article is no exception. Even the author, who claims to despise the “mommy wars” makes reference to it. “Wurtzel suggests that mothers who can afford to raise their own children and not work outside the home for money are little more than trophy wives…” If you WOH, you’re not raising your own kids. Saying this is as burning to a WOHP as crap like, “You have never worked a day in your life” is to a SAHM. Or, what would be more comparable to the comment this article, a passing acidic comment referencing how it must be nice not to have to work. Rude. Unnecessary. Wrong. And by that logic, the day a SAHP’s children start kindergarten (unless homeschooled) and are at school all day, that parent has ceased to raise them, because they’re not in his/her presence every second.
I don’t appreciate these biting comments coming from WOHPs or SAHPs.
I agree with several of the commenters above–feminism is about having the choice to do what you want. Right now, that choice is working as a full-time tax accountant. When my baby comes, I’ll go part-time. And when we decide to add on to our family, I’d eventually like to stay at home, maybe one day returning to the workforce. I have that choice, and it doesn’t make me any less of a woman for doing so.
I will hold my feminist title fast in my fist until my dying breath,thank you very much, even though I choose to stay at home and raise my daughter (for now). Being a feminist should have shit all to do with a man’s world. And, my friends, my 70′s feminist friends, that is all you are aspiring to do: fit in and do better in a man’s world. Women are not killing feminism. Blaming women for misogyny is hilarious. On the other hand, teenaged girls will quickly tell you that feminism is over. That we have won our equality by merely being allowed to be a part of it all. Bullshit. ‘Women who aspire to be equal to men lack ambition’. So, telling us we are the reason for the war against us is, yet again, so anti feminist I just can’t even. I JUST CAN’T WITH THIS.