Toddler Intervention
"Kids not nice at the park. They grab my toys."
A few months ago, Laszlo was at the playground playing with his toy trucks. Another boy about his age swooped up, grabbed one of Laz’s toys from him and kept running.
The mom actually noticed (for once) and said to her kid, “Hey, that boy was playing with that. That’s his toy.”
The boy ignored his mom.
The mom came over to Laz, who was starting to cry, and said, “You can share, right? You have other toys.”
What. The. Fuck.
Taking toys from a kid is not “sharing.” Swiping another kid’s toy from him is unacceptable behavior. To add the positive spin of “sharing” is deranged. Yet, I see it happen all the time. Most parents who have kids who like to bully Laz deal with it in the way that works best for their kid. Which usually means apologizing, justifying their kid’s behavior and then doing nothing about it.
Some of these parents believe that you’re supposed to “let the kids work it out.” This hands-off philosophy sounds great if you’re the parent of the kid who likes to grab toys from other kids. It also might work great for a couple of kids who are equally assertive. But Laszlo always loses the “kids work it out” game. It’s not a fair fight when Laz is the opponent. He rarely even tries to fight back and he usually ends up in tears. Of course these parents think the kids can work it out: Their kid always wins!
I know it’s a crazy, old fashioned idea, but I think two year olds need adult intervention sometimes. They’re just not old enough to work it out on their own. Besides, how exactly do you expect a couple of two year olds to “work it out”? Do you think this is going to end with handshakes and contracts drawn up? No. It’s going to end in tears. “Using your words” only goes so far with a two year olds. They don’t have the confidence or often the language or understanding to comprehend and communicate their feelings. They don’t say, “Hey, you’re not supposed to just grab that away from me! I was playing with that, and when I’m done, you can check it out if you’re still interested.”
I’ve been told that with some kids, the grabbing of a toy isn’t about wanting the toy. It’s about wanting interaction with another kid. It’s about testing reactions. Well, that’s all well and good for your kid, but my kid doesn’t like being the guinea pig in that clinical study. You want to test for a reaction? My kid is crying. Big surprise. Study over. I’m sure you’ll get accepted in the Journal of American Psychology. Now give my kid his toy back.
I get that your kid needs to explore and is curious about consequences. While pushing, grabbing, and hitting in a fight over a toy qualifies as “interaction”, that doesn’t mean it’s okay. Parents also defend their little toy-grabber by saying it’s just a phase he’ll grow out of. I wonder how the kid is going to magically stop doing it, when the parent isn’t doing anything about it. The problem will probably just worsen, since the parent isn’t putting an end to it. I know it’s hard to believe for parents who want their kids to “explore,” but kids need and actually want some boundaries and discipline.
We can’t blame kids for testing each other or wanting to play with other kids’ toys. We can’t make them share. But we can set a good example. Your kid took something from another kid. The other kid is upset about it. If your kid is not old enough or empathetic enough to realize that it needs to be given back because there’s a sad kid who wasn’t done playing with it, then it’s your responsibility to step in. By doing nothing (Woops… I mean, “letting the kids work it out”), you’re giving the message to both kids that it’s okay to walk up to other kids and take stuff away from them, that being aggressive and taking things from other kids is acceptable behavior.
The mom at the playground did nothing about the fact that Laz was crying and her son grabbed Laz’s toy away. I tried to get Laszlo to “use his words.” I told him, “I know you’re sad that he took your toy away. Why don’t you go tell him you want it back?” However, not only was Laszlo too upset to talk, but the kid was on the other side of the playground with Laz’s toy.
Laszlo looked in the distance towards the other boy and whispered through his tears, “Give it back. I don’t like this.” But of course, the kid didn’t hear him. He was too far away. Besides, I could barely hear Laszlo, he was whispering so quietly. I eventually managed to successfully distract Laz, but I didn’t feel good about it. To hell with this, I thought. The next time somebody snatches something from my kids hands, I’m going to ask that kid to give it back to Laszlo. And if he refuses, I will pry it from his dirty little stealing hands.
It’s not that complicated. If your kid takes something away from another kid, and the other kid is upset about it, tell your kid to give it back! If your kid refuses to give it back, take it out of your kids hands and give it back. How does that not make sense? It’s pretty basic. It’s not “over-parenting” or being a “helicopter mom.” What right does one kid have to snatch something from someone else?
Adults who do that go to jail.
Just reading that article makes me rather angry that another parent would NOT interfere and take the toy from their child to give it back. Also, I wouldn’t have been able to show as much restraint as you did. If the other parent didn’t interfere, sure as heck I would! I wouldn’t stand for anyone to treat my child that way and if another parent came up to my child and said what she said, I would’ve been all over her saying, “NO, it’s not sharing! Give my child the toy back!” What that child did is stealing, not sharing. He didn’t stay and play with your child. I would never let my child to that to another child and I certainly wouldn’t stand for it if someone did it to her. I hope you got the toy back from that child before you left the park.
I can’t imagine who these parents are at the playground with you! I have a 3 year old boy and we go to the playground regularly and this has never happened. We’ve had to work with our son to get him to share his toys with other kids, but the other parents always get involved and help mediate along with us, and if a kid tries to take a toy the parents ALWAYS stop the behavior. Poor Laszlo, it sounds like LA kids are mean (or really, LA parents are mean)!
@Janet and @Jessica Yeah, there’s a real “let the kids work it out” movement around here. A lot of parents feel like not getting involved validates their kids needs… Their “spirited” child gets to “explore.” (Explore being an entitled brat.)
My heart shattered into a million pieces when I read this:
“Laszlo looked in the distance towards the other boy and whispered through his tears, ‘Give it back. I don’t like this.’”
As someone who was routinely kicked, poked, ostracized, and bullied when they were a little kid, I totally get Laszlo’s at that moment. We need an “it gets better” for two-year olds.
This makes me think the Montessori approach makes a lot of sense. From what I understand the kids take the toys off the shelf and get to play with them as long as they want without fear of someone else coming to snatch it from them. When they are done playing with the toy, they put it back on the shelf. Have you had any experience with Laz in that type of environment? I wonder if he would enjoy it?
this made smoke come out of my ears. i can’t believe another mom would do that! one of my boys is ALWAYS taking toys from the other, and i’m fully aware that when i take it back it’s going to make him cry, but i do it, anyway, because it was wrong of him to take it in the first place. poor laszlo.
I absolutely agree. I also have one son who tends to lose those “work it out for yourself moments.” And I know he sees the injustice, too. I usually go up to the other kid and take back the toy and return it to my son myself, since he would never do it. Depending on my mood and the situation, I sometimes just say “Next time ask to share and see what happens, kid” or sometimes I say “We’re leaving soon, so we need that back,” and then we just don’t leave. I am frequently annoyed by RIE parents who just let their kids walk all over others. Just because your kid lives that way doesn’t mean mine has to when they interact. Just use some common decency.
I can hear the conversation we had about this in my head :) I do agree. Sure- sometimes we need to let them ‘work it out’…but if a child is acting out or not playing nice I cannot STAND when the parent just sits there. If some kid hits or bites or takes something from my kid I always explain to her that that’s not nice and the other child should not have done that…which is so frustrating when that other kids mom is just sitting there or even worse simply states out loud what just happened. ‘you took that kids toy didn’t you’….yes- they did- and if you don’t get off your lazy butt and tell them that’s not good they’ll just keep doing it! Ugh…:)
Your column never fails to make me laugh and to hit on these topics with pin-point accuracy. I like how you see the world.
next time ask the mom if she would like to share her car and snatch her keys from her
I couldn’t agree with you more. And, that line that Megan brought up in her comment brought me to tears.
It reminds me of a moment I had with Declan recently. We were at a holiday party with 60 kids and 40 parents. At 2 1/2, Declan was the youngest of all the kids. At one point, one girl around 6 years old was playing with Jenga blocks and Declan scooted over to her and picked up a block, making a gesture as if he wanted to play with her. She gave him a dirty look and ripped the block out of his hand, and pushed his hands away. Her parents were nowhere in site. I was at the ready to console him and redirect, as I saw his bottom lip quiver and protrude outward. Luckily, he sucked that lip back in, took a deep breath, wiped his eye where a tear had been forming and turned his attention to another toy. But, the tears welled up in my own eyes. That one moment brought back every instance where I had a toy ripped from my little hands and every time I was pushed up against a locker, or called a hurtful name.
And, the evening didn’t get any better. When we walked into another room where some boys were playing, a 10 year old said to his friends, “Oh no, the BABY’s here. No more fun,” and they all stomped off as if Declan’s very presence was disgusting. Again, no parents around but me, and all I wanted to do was tell that kid to have some respect for the little ones (the thought of smacking him upside the head also came to mind, but of course I would never). Instead, I was frozen, just like I was in grade school when I was picked on.
I think Declan was so enthralled with all the completely age inappropriate toys in the room that he didn’t care about the comment, but it stung me, and started me thinking about the road Declan has before him. Sounds cliche, but kids can be cruel, and the best thing we can do is guide them toward compassion. Unfortunately selfishness and aggression often comes more naturally to humans than compassion and cooperation. The “let them work it out” camp needs to understand that parenting involves making sure we raise civilized human beings, and those qualities are nurtured over a lifetime and require guidance and active involvement by those more experienced.
I hope I’m better prepared to handle the next time this happens. I should have said something so that these kids would know that what they did was hurtful and completely unnecessary. Maybe it would make them pause and react differently the next time a littler one crosses their paths, because in this instance, they were old enough to know better.
Great blog! It all comes down to teaching kids not to be bullies and I think snatching other kids’ toys is a form of bullying.
Why you’re not the author of Parenting For Dummies is beyond me.
Couldn’t agree more. I had a friend’s kid literally pick Fia up (he was 5 and she was 18 months) and throw her across the floor. I was so furious…if we hadn’t been friends I would have ripped into her. Instead, we left there house never to have a playdate again. These RIE parents are just being lazy, ignorant or both. Kids needs adults to help protect–that’s why we’re the parents. They can’t speak or stick up for themselves. Shame on the parents who take the laissez-faire approach.
This kind of behavior is UNACCEPTABLE! If children are not taught whats right and wrong at a young age and how to say “Im sorry” they will never be able to do or say whats right. When I was a child we never had this bullshit thing called “working it out” Because it simply doesnt work! This kind of method in my opinion is for those parents who dont want to be parents. If that were my kid who snatched that toy away from another kid He would have been made to apologize and he Wouldnt have gotten to play with anyone elses toys. Its called “Crime and Punnishment” small lessons like these as a child make u least likely to rob a store when ur an adult.
I agree that parents need to let children learn some things on their own, but as parents it is still necessary to teach them theright way to do things. My son (2) is often bullied by his friend (she is almost 3), we as parents quickly learned that telling her to be nice does not work. But what has helped when she takes his toy away we make her give it back then politely ask if she can use it. He’s still pretty good at sharing so when she does this he almost always hands her the toy with a smile. She is realizing now that if she asks for it she has a better chance of getting it and does not get in trouble. So although I do not believe that parents should step in everytime, there is times they need to so they can teach their kids.
I couldn’t agree with you more.You shouldn’t let the other kid run off with the toy.If they don’t give the toy back,grab it out their hands.Either way they’re gonna cry,but there’s still no reason they should just grab another kid’s toy.More than that,they need to be taught to ask first,which is something many fail to do or understand.I always try to ask first,and I’m teaching my little cousin Cole too,which seems to be working out nicely.Bottom line,you have to teach your kids right from wrong,and you have to be tough about it,no matter how much it pisses them off.
Why does this seem so much like a no-brainer to me? I can totally relate to encountering the “hands-off” parent. After three kids (all of whom are still pretty young), if a parent doesn’t intervene when they obviously should, I do. I tell the other parent’s kid that snatching is wrong and demand he return the toy. Most kids usually do and no tears are shed and if their parents don’t like it, then next time they’ll intervene before I have to– or they’ll find a different park filled with parents that like them who don’t give a hoot as long as THEIR kid is happy.
http://practicingparenting.blogspot.com/
You know this reminds me.I should just mention that I’m a senior in High School,and my a couple of little cousins ride the bus with me.I was on the bus this morning with my little cousins Eli and Noah.I was sitting there playing my 3DS,as Eli watched me play like he always does :D,and this little girl about 5 years old named Remi,kept laughing and her putting her hands on Eli’s shoulder.It was obviously distracting him because he was trying to watch me play.Noah tried to get to her to stop,but she wouldn’t quit.I finally grabbed her hand off Eli’s shoulder and pushed it away.At that point she stopped.I think she realized I’m stronger than her,and that’s what made her quit.She won’t leave Eli & Noah alone,and I almost wanna smack the shit out her(even though I really wouldn’t do that).Fact is she was distracting both of us.I was trying to play a game,and Eli was trying watch me play.Next time she does something like that,I’m gonna get after her for it,and if I have to,use a little bit of my own strength to get her to stop.I mean all I’m saying is when someone is playing a video game,try not to distract them.
Cassandra, you should get a raise! Brilliant column.
I am seething with anger. I want to go park my car outside that playground and wait for that kid to mess with Laz again.
As a RIE parent I too am shocked by the behaviour of this mum. So sorry for Laszlo! If my child did something like that I would most certainly tell her how her behaviour impacts another child. She would not upset another child or disrespect them in front of me. I too am hands off, for a certain aspect, but watch her interaction constantly; how else will she learn her values and boundaries unless I advise. I think it is unfair to say RIE parents act this way, more like parents without values of respect or empathy. Thank you for this thoughtful blog, Laszlo is a lucky child.
That mom was a bitch. I think I ran into her once at Travel Town. At the train table. Grrrrrrrrr!
Good Post, at least the parent had a chance to interact, and the child did it in front of her. I am faced with someone who is bullying me and my children and we do not have a clue to who it is? They come in and vandalize my son’s shirts and my clothes when we are not at home. I have found several shirt’s with holes punched in them. My son’s new shirt he got for his birthday on Dec 13, someone punched a hole in it. This is the worst kind of coward, bully, the ones that work behind a person’s back when they are not at home. At least we have confidence in knowing that God Almighty sees who and he will stop them. I have called the authorities and they said it is a sick person and they need help. Thanks for the opportunity to share. Any suggestions that will help me and my family, don’t hesitate to let me know. Thanks again. Wanda Griffith
Heartbreaking. Poor Laz.
I also want to say, I can’t stand parents who let their kid bring like 1,000 really nice toys to the park and then don’t share them (even if a kid asks nicely). Leave them in your backyard then, K?
I think it’s funny how we spend so much time trying to get barely-verbal two year olds to “work it out with each other” but then we turn around and discipline our complicated grade-schoolers with “go to your room, we’re done talking about this!”– or at least I did. I learned a valuable lesson from a pre-school teacher who didn’t believe that one child should stop playing with something after a set amount of time, “taking turns,” but that the first child got to keep the object as long as they wanted, without comment. This often (though not always) kept things from escalating into an ugly possessiveness contest. But at the playground, if we brought toys, I always felt like I should give the ogling stranger kid a turn after a certain amount of time, and would make my kid share. I eventually figured out that bringing my own toys to the park was just a bad idea and that was the end of that. That said, I totally think going over and asking for the toy back is the appropriate thing to do. They’re too little for you to worry about “doing their fighting for them.”
I am not a helicopter parent except in situations like these. If another kid grabs a toy from one of mine and the other parent doesn’t correct the behavior, I will correct it for them in a kind, but firm, manner. I really don’t care if the other parent likes it or not. As far as I’m concerned, I am doing them a favor by teaching their kids how to properly interact with other humans.
I tell my children that they can take a toy to the park and as long as they are playing with it is theirs. If they put it down and go do something else and another child picks it up, then they have to let the other child play with it, but they do not have to tolerate a kid grabbing something out of their hands and demanding a turn. Makes my blood boil just thinking about it.
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!
My heart broke for your kid, the same way it breaks for mine when it happens. However, I disagree, we parents cannot interfere in this kind of situations because I believe it is the foundation to learn how to defend themselves later in school. No, my kid does not snatch toys from other kids but if I interfere when other kid does, he will get used to me being his “lawyer” and how will he deal with the same situations when I am not around? Your son’s tears (although painful to you, I know) are not from him being in pain or being harmed. So, you should teach him how to deal with it, until that kind of situation does not bring him to tears and he is able to stand up for himself. I always tell my kid that when another kid does something he does not like, he can tell him to stop and that he does not like it and not to play with that kid. It has worked for him, he is 4 now but when he was 2 he dealt with a girl a little older than him that was trying to push him off a kid’s size rocking chair. He grabbed the hand she was using to push him and removed it from the rocking chair. The girl started crying and then I told her “don’t cry, you are ok”. I was very proud of my little boy and made me feel more confident to let him play with other kids.
Amen!
there is a difference between letting kids work out something for themselves, and not parenting. When they can work buckles and buttons, let them work them out for themselves, let them work their toys out for themselves. But socially, we have to model their behavior, and we need to show them how to be polite, respectful, and all around good people. They can learn how to do things without you, but I doubt many kids would learn good social behavior without having good parents who teach and show them how to be good people to those around them. Few people model proper behavior in our society, except for their own children, and even then sometimes not. How are kids going to know it is wrong if you don’t tell them? you don’t have to be mean, you just have to tell them.
Interesting that the other Mom felt comfortable ‘parenting’ your child by telling him that it’s good to share. I’d say that more than gives you permission to ‘parent’ her child by getting the toy back.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in this situation, but I thought I would share a strategy from the long past days I spent at the playground with my son. My kid happens to be an only child, which many assume means he wasn’t that great at sharing, but he was. We had a big bin of sand toys that we would take to the play ground with the explict purpose of sharing, if the kids wanted to join him. It worked like a charm-kids always wanted to play with Kev, and only once did we have a case where a bunch of big kids took all the toys across the playground and didn’t want to give them back.
Until Momma bear got up in their face and made them.
What amazes me is that a stranger allowed this to happen. I’d be scared these people would take off with my child’s toy which I or someone I know paid for for my daughter. If we were at a playdate with friends or school it wouldn’t bother me nearly as much, but I’m one to remind my daughter it’s not nice to take away or keep away toys, and to apologize, ask nicely, and share. And she’s four. They get so excited sometimes. I still praise her everytime she shares without prompting or asks to have something before swiping it.
I completely agree with you.
My daughter’s preschool (they had 2 year olds too) would handle it by having any adult kneel down at the kids level and say, “Laszlo wasn’t done with that.” They would tell Laszlo to put his hands out so that the other kid can give it back. The amazing thing is that when another 2 year old sees open hands it’s like they are progammed that they need to put something in them and so they almost always hand the item back themselves.
This is too young to expect them to just work it out, but you can start preparing them on the steps it takes to get their things back…. and no one is just snatching it back from the offender…
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