Good Dads and Bad Moms
When Joel isn't taking Laszlo out to bars, he's letting him test-drive luxury cars.
When Laszlo was six months old, my husband, Joel, took him out to a bar at 9pm to meet up with a friend. He took a seat by the fireplace at the bar and was swarmed by women cooing over Laszlo and calling Joel a “good dad.” That’s right. A GOOD DAD! For taking his infant son to a bar at 9pm. If I had been the one taking Laszlo to a bar at 9pm, someone would have called Child Services.
Not only does it take soooo little for a man to be seen as a good dad, but it takes everything for a woman to not be seen as a bad mom. The flaws and the failures of moms come to light more often than those of dads because we’re usually the ones who are more involved with the details of our kids’ lives.
But pretty much any guy with a baby strapped into an Ergo seems like a good dad for spending a couple of hours with his kid. I even find myself falling for it. I imagine that this guy must love his wife very, very much. In my fantasy, he said to his wife earlier that day, “Honey, I’m going to take some time off from work today. You look like you need a break. Why don’t I take the kids while you spend the day at the spa? And do something about that ragged looking manicure, babe.” (It’s right around the part where the husband actually notices his wife’s nails that I snap out of it.)
We fault moms more than dads for mistakes that parents make. If a dad lets a kid fall out of a stroller, we feel bad for him because he obviously doesn’t know how a stroller works. If a mom lets something like that happen, she’s negligent. He’s a hapless guy who’s just trying to take care of his kid. But she’s a bad mom who’s worthy of scorn and we should pity her child.
Good dads are sexier than good moms, too. You can take any dude who’s balding and a little too short and has some stupid-looking facial hair and easily dismiss him as unattractive. However, put a kid by his side and… Voila! Hottie! Total DILF. Just having a kid with him makes any guy about twice as hot. But there’s nothing sexy about being a good mom. In fact, in order to be a MILF, you should probably not be a “good mom.” MILFs should party, dress like a 20-year-old and not be seen wiping their kid’s nose. It’s so not fair, but being seen as a “good dad” is hot. I have no doubt that those women at the bar saw Joel’s amazing ability to bar-hop whilst toting a baby as sexy. Because any dad who spends an hour with his kid, even if it’s at a bar, is a DILF.
All a guy seems to have to do to be considered a good dad is not leave his wife, keep a job, and have a photo-op with the kid in public now and then. It hasn’t changed much since the ‘50s: He’s a guy who provides for his family and tosses the ball around with the kids on the weekend. He makes occasional appearances as the dignified representative of the family who’s not disheveled and un-showered. He’s a king-like figurehead who shows up at kid events and picks up the kid from preschool once a week.
But nobody knows how to define a “good mom” anymore. It used to be that a good mom cooked dinner, stayed at home with the kids, and popped a few Valiums to get her through the day without killing somebody. The complexity of the roles that moms play today means that everybody on the other side seems to be willing to attack you for the slightest digression.
The more you’re in the game, the more you’re going to foul, lose the ball, and fall on your face. And moms are in the game more. It’s easier for a dad on the bench to score the winning point. He’s not tired out when he gets put in during the last quarter after his wife fainted from exhaustion on the court.
Moms do most of the kid-related work: grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, driving them around, parties and play dates, packing lunches, making baby food, keeping up with supplies and clothes, and finding the preschool and day care and sitters. (Did I bore you yet? Cause I’m bored just thinking about it.) We do it mostly without messing up too badly. But because we do more of that stuff, we mess up more often. And sadly, those few mistakes hang over us and prevent us from thinking of ourselves and each other as good moms.
Maybe I’ll never earn the title of “good mom.” But I’m going to do whatever it takes to prevent young, drunk, slutty women from thinking that Joel is a “good dad” just for showing up. I’m going to start by not letting Joel take Laszlo out to bars anymore.
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Well said Cassandra! Same as it always was. Can’t believe these double standards haven’t changed in recent years. Arggh.
You’re a great mom, Cassandra! Just sayin’
Totally agree.
I also want to say that my husband plays into this and makes a point of changing a poop diaper when we have company (cuz you know, he wouldn’t want people to think that I always do it, which I almost always do).
Couldn’t have said it better!
I agree I wonder if its because moms really have no choice its either get an abortion or adoption or raise your child dads have the option to leave and if they stay its “GOOD DAD” award for them. Moms so you didn’t get an abortion ok bonus points so your raising your kid ok bonus points but you should know how your a mom but yet you just messed up because you let your kid fall over his/her own foot while your juggling the diaper bag a cart full of groceries and his/her brother/sister while trying not to run over other customers at the grocery store and arranging a babysitter so you can go to work and trying not to forget anything on the list. Moms your supposed to have eight arms and a golden lasso wear a wonder bra and tights and be called wonder woman don’t you know? your not allowed to make mistakes because your perfect in every way at least that’s how people think but news flash we aren’t perfect nobody is perfect and mistakes are allowed despite popular belief just know your a good mom as long as you don’t beat your children or let them starve and you keep them clean end of story.
I completely NEEDED this article today! THANK YOU!!! Double standard is right! An hour or two with Dad does NOT make a good father!
There is no one way to be a perfect mother, but there are a million ways to be a good one. Unfortunately, everyone seems to think that there are only 2 choices when it comes to motherhood- Perfect, or call Child Services. Its so damaging to women! And so unfair. The double standard just stinks.
Thank you. I want to put a printed copy of this EVERYWHERE.
I could not disagree more. First, your examples about taking a kid to a bar and tipping over a stroller are ridiculous and inaccurate. No one thinks taking a kid to a bar is a good idea… no one with any sense anyway. The women who are telling your husband that he’s a good dad are idiots. Second, you underestimate what “good dads” do. They also have to discipline their kids, teach them, and make the same decisions that moms do. They do not have to just throw a ball on the weekends, and keep a job, and show up at photo ops. Any double standard you feel is probably a reflection of your own insecurities as a parent. I can assure you, dads feel the same insecurity. Instead of dividing dads and moms, consider just being good parents… that’s two people, making one unit to raise a kid that they had together. And in the grand scheme of things, what do the criticisms of others matter? It doesn’t affect how well you raise your child.
The movie courageous is a prime example of what good husbands & fathers should be & do. I do agree with this very much!
I followed a link on Twitter to find this article, and I’m glad I did. First, I always enjoy your husband’s column in Time. I had no idea his wife was a writer, too. Finally, I’m getting the other side of the story! Second, I wholeheartedly agree with you. I just wrote a blog post about the absurdity of an employee at my husband’s gym thinking he’s a single dad because he takes our sons there for an hour a week: http://bit.ly/abbyOTRdads Ridiculous!
The double standard works both ways, just ask any dad in a child custody battle. Judges tend to give custody to the mom by default.
You’re right on the mark. A baby doesn’t have any business being in a bar, I know because I pretty much grew up in one. Most men should help more with raising the kids. My gripe is when I see a kid that is dirty, snot running down it’s nose, clothes dirty, droopy diaper because it needs changed, and mom and dad are all decked out. My kids always came first, then we took care of our needs. lso these parents who let their kids scream all the time in stores and restaurants need to learn how to be a parent. Sometimes kids are going to get dirty, have runny noses and pitch a fit, but a good parent takes care of the problem, they don’t ignore it. I think sometimes there should be a test you have to pass before you can be a parent.
So true.
What also cracks me up is that anytime my husband takes our son anywhere, he comes home and reports that the boy is a “rockstar” and people (women) were fawning all over him. I go to the SAME STORES and this never happens to me. Never! Gotta love my husband for not picking up on the DILF factor, but yeah.
Please let me know the address of this bar that’s packed full of young, drunk, slutty women at 9pm and me and my DILF mates will be there. Baby Bjorn’s and all :)
Couldn’t stop laughing. This is so true, globally. Loved it.
John, I don’t think she is saying that these minimum standards are “what good dads do.” She is saying that all it takes for society to think a man is a good dad is for him to spend a couple of hours with the kid. Sure, a truly good dad will do way more than that. And there are a lot of them.
And believe me, those of us who are married to them never stop being reminded by everyone we come across of how very, very, very, very lucky we are to have them.
When I change the diaper, or take our daughter to the park while he relaxes, does anyone run to tell my husband how lucky he is that I am such a good mom? That I spend time doing these things? Absolutely not. But if he changes a diaper (or now, takes her to the potty) while I stay behind, I have 10 people waiting in line to oooh and ahhh and tell me how lucky I am that he is such a great dad.
And yes, he is a great dad. But the point of this article, and the truth of it, is that dads have to do very little to be credited as great. And moms have to do everything perfectly, or they’re considered lazy or neglectful.
Girl, you are so right. Right now, it’s just me raising my daughter. Ex-husband/baby-daddy (lol at the term) split from the scene a few years ago. And since he’s a lot like my dad, I kinda figure what might happen in the future, once my daughter goes from being her sweet little girl self to a graceful teenager (well ya know, sometimes they’re decent kids when they’re older) – he’s going to just magically appear, and introduce her into whatever he’s got going into his life at the moment, and the broad in his life will laud how lovely his daughter has turned out, while at the same time forgetting that the MAMA is how the young woman is as she is. But that’s ok, because I’m ready to fight it out. lol.
I agree with John – as someone who’s expecting her first, I have never assumed that a woman has to be perfect to be a good mom, and I have always assumed that it’s every bit as much the man’s responsibility to take care of children (including diapers, bathroom trips, doctor visits, etc) as it is the woman’s. I happen to be married to a man who feels the same way – she’s going to be our child, so she’s our responsibility and we’re going to work it out together. Maybe you need to rethink whose opinion you’re paying attention to.
After I had my baby girl people would ask me, “is your husband a hands-on dad?”. My husband is an amazing father and truly my partner in parenting….but do you think anybody asked him if I am a “hands-on mom?”. Does that term even exist? I sincerely appreciate and love my husband for all that he does in this family. My frustration is that society gives my husband a gold star for being “hands-on” when it is simply what my expectation is. My husband gets offended by that term because he doesn’t want to be treated as inferior simply because he is a dad. Cheers to all of the hands-on moms out there! You all get a gold star from me.
@Erin: Right on.
@Paul Smith: Thanks for bringing a sense of humor to this conversation.
There’s no winning as a mom, is there? We have to wear our heart externally for the rest of our lives, and there are oh-so-many reasons to be bashed. I wouldn’t trade the experience for anything in the world, though…
http://www.tunheimfamily.blogspot.com
oh boy, can i relate to this! When my daughter started school this September I ordered her an amazing custom backpack to ease her anxiety. Two month later I lost said backpack. We lost it somehow on a walk to the library and stop at the candy store. I really don’t know how I left it behind but I did. I retraced my steps went into each nearby store and asked if anyone had seen it. Most people where short with glares of judgment, and less then helpful. When my husband came home my daughter was in tears about her lost backpack. When my daughter went to bed I was in tears about her lost backpack. So being the Amazing hubby that he is, the following day he retraced my steps with our daughter in tow. They visited the same stores I had and described all the merchants as “super helpful”. Most even took down his name and number in case it turned up! Really? Because all I received were evil glances.
O totally agree with your article. To further illustrate this point, people keep asking me if my husband helps out with the kids. I think that’s demeaning for the both of us. It implies that it is primarily the mother’s job to take care of the kids, while the Dad gets shoved to the corner as the “helper”, i.e. someone to whom that job does not belong to begin with. I have to gently let three people know that he does not “help”, but actually “takes part” in caring for and educating the kids. (BTW, he’s a great dad by all standards.)
IT’s a stupid double-standard and one I’m somewhat familiar with, raising my 11-year old stepson with my husband. I’m ALSO familiar with the other side of that double-standard – when my husband had his son alone as an infant, it was generally assumed (by the courts, the old lady in the bus, pretty much everybody) that there was NO WAY he could take adequately care of his baby. The downside of the patronizing “Good Dad!” pat on the head for taking the kid out for an hour or two is that you’re also not seen as a “real” parent who can truly handle raising a child on his own. Shouldn’t there be a lady somewhere? To make sure the child isn’t cold?
This might mean less if you’re in a committed relationship where you can work something out with the mother, but if you happen to be a man raising his kid alone (even if you’re not fighting for custody – don’t even get me STARTED on the family court system), it sucks hugely. It essentially strips you of your rights as a parent, legally and culturally. I’m a, by American standards, pretty strident feminist and I’ve been surprised by this – and of course it’s only strengthened my commitment to gender equality in child rearing, and elsewhere. Parenting is a helluva lot of work – but it’s also a helluva lot of power and both women and men benefit when we share both more equally.
We’re having a baby soon and I’m excited about parenting with him – especially because I don’t assume that I am going to know more about babies and gear and first colds and diaper changes than he does – because I won’t! And he’s already proven that there really is only one thing he can’t do, which is to breastfeed (and gestate of course..). Of course I’ll go to my grave thinking I’m better at picking out outfits..
Oh man. When we were in the hospital after I had my c-section and was throwing up all over the place from the anesthesia (sorry TMI) my poor husband had to field me, my unhelpful parents as well as a newborn. When he changed his first diaper amidst the chaos, he asked my sister if it looked right. She said perfect. Then a nurse comes in and looks at said diaper. “it’s on backwards” she loudly guffawed “CLASSIC dad move!!!”
My poor hubby was kind of offended. To be honest I would have probably done the same thing in a room dealing with a new baby and a post surgical spouse throwing up every 30 seconds. He’s an amazing partner and an amazing Dad but if he were not those things I would not have chosen to have a child with him. I keep getting bitter comments from my mother about how lucky I am that he is such a good dad. As if i am spoiled or something because he wants to be involved in our daughters activities. I am very lucky but he is lucky too. Both of us want our daughter to grow up understanding that relationships should be fair, loving and respectful both ways with both partners sharing responsibilities.
Love this post! I noticed it recently in the comments on the “Helicopter Dad” post – anyone else think if a woman wrote it she would have been villified?? I recently caught myself judging a mom of an 8 month old for training for an epic ski race (how could a nursing mom take away so much time from her family to train and compete??) while giving her partner—a father of two, one of whom is 3 months old, and whose wife is a FT nurse—a free pass. I got mad at myself.
sarahh and John I couldn’t agree more. The people who are fawning over a dad bringing his child into a bar aren’t the sharpest tools in the shed. Why anyone would take their opinion seriously is beyond me. Look no further than the court system who presumes the mother should have primary custody over the father. Double standards are everywhere.
I think it’s more a reflection on your own views more than anything. No one in our household is the “primary” caregiver; we’re both parents, we both work full-time. If your stance is that the woman “still has to do most of the kid related work,” perhaps therein lies the problem. Split the duties and alone time with your kids equally and relinquish some control to your husband.
Holding on to this antiquated view that a mother is better suited to be a primary caregiver helps to further promote the “dads don’t know better” attitude. Example: my MIL feels my BIL is incapable of taking care of his kids without the help of his wife or her. If he went to change a diaper, she’d step in and tell him he was doing it wrong. As such, he learned to take a backseat. So when he does take them to the grocery store or park, heaps of praise are given to him because he somehow kept the kids alive. It’s completely silly because…he’s their father, not a bumbling buffoon. He may not do things identical to the way his wife does, but that doesnt mean he’s wrong. If we allow fathers to do a share of the kid related work, the less we’ll think of their helping as a “treat” and more of actually parenting. Fathers are totally capable of handling kids, but I think we as mothers sometimes have to adjust our views to believe it.
I agree with this article and I have a totally awesome husband. One thing that always gets to me, though, is when EVERYONE says “you’re so lucky you married him”. Uhm, no – I may have been “lucky” to meet him, I was SMART to marry him. :)
So DH is a great dad, and HE thinks I’m a great mom. My kids do, too. That’s what matters. F*** the rest. :)
Paul SMith, you are funny. John, you seem to have a stick up your butt. My husband actually acknowledges this whole concept but still thinks it is hilarious and plays into it. anytime we have guests, He rushes to bathe the kids and care for them, etc. It used to bug me but now I decided I don’t give a toot and I’ll just enjoy our company and soak up the compliments from my friends about what an awsome job I have done creating balanced roles in our household. Only once did I blow up at my mother and say “he is NOT ‘babysitting’ them they are his own F****** children”.
i totally disagree. With how fathers get shafted in custody cases and single dads get looked down upon morevthan single moms in my experience, you cant use sone lonely women looking for any chance of a good guy as the norm. Single dads go through alot of bs we dont deserve that i dont think you realuze. Shit happens on both sides with double standards sadly abd always will.
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