I’ll Embarrass My Son All I Want
Do NOT show this to anyone, Dad!
I have committed unimaginable crimes against my son. I have published stories in which I call him a pussy and a wimp. I have sat with him for a Today Show segment where I talked about his circumcised penis. I have mocked his nut allergy and his asthma. I have written that he tries to French kiss me, that he asked me to pour water on his penis in the bath and that he likes the feeling of his own feces in his diaper. That last one I revealed just now.
Because I used his real name and because some of this was written for Time magazine, it will likely blot out his own Google imprint. Every date he goes on will metaphorically start with his dad showing a naked photo of him in the bath. A bath where he wants water poured on his penis.
So when Lisa Belkin wrote on the Huffington Post that she thought it was wrong for Dara Lynn-Weiss to reveal how she forced her daughter to lose weight in Vogue, and wrong of Jennifer Coburn to write in Salon how upset she was about her daughter’s first breakup, and wrong of Ayelet Waldman to write in The New York Times about how she was more in love with her husband than her kids, and wrong of Amy Chua to write in the Wall Street Journal about trying to quash her daughter’s independent streak – I felt hurt that she didn’t rail against me.
I repeatedly call my son a pussy in a book that comes out on May 15 and is called Man Made: A Stupid Quest for Masculinity. (And can be bought here!) Books last a long time. They’re the kind of things, as reality television has taught us, that your frenemies find decades later and use against you. I should be locked up.
But I’ve been writing about people in my life for more than 20 years. And I have learned what pisses people off and what doesn’t. It’s this: It’s impossible to predict. I write glowing things about celebrities and they get infuriated about one word. I write harsh things about people who wind up finding it hysterical and affectionate. Those people I marry.
But our identity is so divorced from our lives as small children that it’s usually just a minor annoyance to have your parents tell embarrassing stories about you as a baby. And – what I have learned from writing a column about my parents, my wife, my friends and my coworkers – is that you can avoid much of the trouble if you run things by the people you write beforehand and give them veto power, which I will do with my son. Hopefully, unlike my mom, my son won’t be a therapist who uses this vetting process as an excuse to make me talk for hours about non-existent issues I have with him.
It’s unclear who owns information. If you do something to me, is it mine to write about, or do we own it jointly? I believe we both own our own version of what happened. But even if that’s just, there are still repercussions. And I’ve felt those – with my college girlfriend, my mom and my friends. I don’t want to cause those problems with my son, but I know there are going to be repercussions for all kinds of things I do – even decisions that don’t directly involve him. We live public lives in our communities, and print – despite its scary permanence and access – isn’t necessarily worse than something I say at a kid’s birthday party or an iPhone photo I text to everyone I know. I have a very Anthony Weiner body.
There’s stuff I won’t put in print because of him: Problems Cassandra and I have in our marriage, which are merely hypothetical and do not exist at all, Laszlo. Anything, in short, that will keep from feeling safe in the world.
People like to judge others. I get that. I do it for a living. Still, it seems too easy for Gawker to write, about Jennifer Coburn’s Salon piece: “Teenage daughter having a hard time in her personal life? Write an essay about it for the entire internet to read! It’s Parenting 101.” This is a website so dedicated to privacy and decorum they have a daily section in which they print where people claim to have seen celebrities in public, often accompanied by photos.
We don’t know what the relationship each writer that Lisa Belkin called out has with her kid. Or if each mom ran the story by her kid first. I met Amy Chua’s daughters and they’re funny, confident and can dish it out to their mom; my guess is that her daughter was fine with that Wall Street Journal essay. And if she did complain, I’m sure she was forced to play ten hours of the Goldberg Variations as punishment for talking back.
At CaféMom.com, April Peveteaux wrote “Mommy Blogging Should Have An Age Limit” in which she said she’s going to stop writing about her daughter Esme when she is old enough to read her mom’s posts. But she’ll always be able to search Time magazine for the story about when Jonah Hill babysat my son and tried to get him to reveal his feelings about the mysterious Esme whose drawings were taped to the wall next to his bed. You can only protect your kids so much.
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Read more from me at More Stories About Some Kid:
Pour Water on My Penis
5 Answers to When Your Kid Asks Why
I try to look at it from the kids’ perspective. In reality, my kids’ friends will think anything I wrote about them would be so *boring* they would have no interest in reading it. Really- when you were a teenager would you want to read something your friends’ parents wrote about them? Um, no. That would be totally uncool. As far as pictures, in a few years, everyone is going to have so many pictures online, that kids *without* baby pictures on the internet might be the ones made fun of. “What, your mom doesn’t love you enough to put your baby pictures on her blog?”
I think you are going about it the right way, and your son and your relationship with him will be fine.
I know he’s my husband and all, but I think Joel makes a great point about how everything we do, even if it’s an unrecorded comment between two people, is part of history and it’s “logged” one way or another, whether it’s via impression or printed word or blogosphere. Life is fluid and changing and nobody can hold true forever some small thing that happened last year or yesterday or 20 years ago. Also, it’s pretty messed up of us all to say who’s writing something right or wrong (and acting like we’re the moral police) regarding their children when you don’t even know these people or their children. Besides, if we can’t talk somewhat honestly about real stuff that’s happening (for fear of offending someone, somewhere), we’re going to just end up with a lot of boring parenting blog posts about how cute kids are and how hard it is to be a parent? Then again, maybe that’s what people want?
This is something to think about. I recently started blogging myself. I haven’t spent too much time on this given that my son doesn’t read yet. So far he has no idea I’m putting his business on the Internet. One day he will, though. Hmmm….what will I do if he objects?
“The child psychologist who thought she had all the answers to parenting until she became one herself.” http://www.themommypsychologist.com
All of the things you’ve described including the water in the penis have been traits of both of my boys at some point….i love my kids greatly but there are days i think man it woukd be great to have no kids…or i feel guilty that i have s closer bond with my younger child … or how i hate mt older sons over emotional petsonality even though he is exactly as i was at his age…point being we all love our lids but they have personalities of their own and there is NOBODY not even our children whos personalities will line up with ours 100% of the time!! Probably not 70%to of the time!
thats just wong ur calling ur on a pussy ur sick in the head
A parent has to prepare there child in every way possible even a little picking on so they are prepared to handle it when they are older and the parents are not there ……i just hope this child isn’t damaged by what was wrote about him….calling him a wimp and furthering the misconception a pussy is weak….Betty white says it best http://www.google.com/imgres?um=1&hl=en&biw=1024&bih=667&tbm=isch&tbnid=KMtvpmgBAMgupM:&imgrefurl=http://subtlekate.wordpress.com/tag/balls/&docid=zOvquXEfq3r9NM&imgurl=http://subtlekate.files.wordpress.com/2012/03/betty-white-vagina.jpg&w=600&h=400&ei=02N5T96WMsKU2wWo_fS1Bg&zoom=1&iact=hc&vpx=213&vpy=29&dur=5073&hovh=183&hovw=275&tx=155&ty=91&sig=118344993265139649386&page=1&tbnh=134&tbnw=167&start=0&ndsp=16&ved=1t:429,r:7,s:0 I get the points, that who are we to say what is right or what is wrong as what may be right for one person will totally be wrong for another. most parents know there children though and what they can handle or not handle . and words are words after all .
I think its ok share the experiences you have as a parent with others, so long as the children dont mind. But calling your child names like the ones you mention is wrong and being fully aware that this is basically being done in public is even worse. does your child have an understanding of the meaning of the words you call him? Do you tell your child off for him calling others names?
Love this ! And to bethanys comment, stop being such a cry baby he’s not abusing him.. It doesn’t impact your life in any way so get your panties out of your ass.
Writing the word “pussy” for shock value..yawn…boring…
wow you sound like a real dickhead.
You have no business being a parent. I feel so bad for any child born to you. Kids have to face billy’s so often outside of the home. It is horrible to think your son has to face his bully every day of his life.
You have no business being a parent. I feel so bad for any child born to you. Kids have to faces bully’s so often outside of the home. It is horrible to think your son has to face his bully every day of his life.
i read a lot of your columns. sometimes i don’t believe them. as in, i believe that you give us moments in time but if you really act the way you portray yourself 100 percent of the time then cassandra would have left you long ago. (hi, cassandra.) what i’ve learned over time is similar to what you said. people get caught up in their own junk and you never know what will trigger a sensitivity. since your son isn’t old enough to know what to edit/veto, then i suppose you could either use basic common sense (callng your son a pussy…) or pass it by casandra as long as she’s not so numb to your shock value or getting paid off to approve things. Also, don’t think you’ve fooled us. One reason you get away w/some of this stuff is how you pay it off. The in-law article? joel’s a decent guy. The alarm column? we can all relate in some form. Vs. that lady who gave her daughter an eating disorder? didn’t pay it off with any sensitivity. self-serving neurotic B. You — self-serving, neurotic with a sensitive side.
It’s interesting that the parents who have been called out by other outlets for embarrassing their children are all women. Is there a double standard that Moms have to be perfect while Dads can often get away with being less so?
Don’t worry about embarrassing him. When he gets to be a teenager, he will get you back in spades. As soon as my kids hit Middle School, I couldn’t breathe in the presence of their friends without them telling me to quit it…”We’re in public, Mom! You’re embarrassing me!’(Though I have to admit, attempting to sing along with “Hollaback Girl” was probably not a good idea). Of course, I just told them that embarrassing them was part of my job as their mother…
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