What I’m Not Telling My Son About Passover
Laszlo with a menorah. Because I couldn't find a photo of him bathing in blood or plagued with boils.
I’m a Jew-phile. This is partly because the Jewish holidays are a lot more fun than the holidays I grew up with. In my family, Easter meant long awkward silences over a ham dinner at my Catholic grandmother’s house. Family members would whisper about who was drinking too much. Out of desperation for something to talk about, someone would bring up politics, which always ended in shouting, since my parents are liberal Democrats and my grandparents are far-right Republicans. The holiday always seemed to end with some family member telling someone else to go fuck themselves. The worst part was that I don’t even like ham.
While my family celebrated Christian holidays like Christmas and Easter, there was no talk about Jesus being born, let alone rising from the dead. We weren’t Christian and we didn’t go to church. There was an Easter Bunny and eggs and candy and that’s about all I knew about it. I grew up with a total lack of religion.
So I was nervous the first time I went to a passover seder with Joel at his Uncle Ron’s house, 14 years ago. Not only was I meeting many of Joel’s extended family members for the first time, but I didn’t know how to act around a holiday that was overtly religious.
Joel insisted that it wasn’t going to be religious and scary. He seemed to be more concerned about his Aunt Reva saying something crass and swearing too much. But when we walked in to the seder, there were a couple of dozen people sitting around two tables with booklets that looked suspiciously religious. They were in the middle of reading the Haggadah. And they were talking in Hebrew. I felt conspicuously out of place.
But within a few minutes, I was put at ease. His family was warm, loud, and a little bit crazy in a good way. There were no awkward silences. They could barely get through the story without Aunt Reva saying something crass or Uncle Ron trying to command attention. Everyone was interrupting each other and joking around. I couldn’t believe these people were actually having fun at a religious holiday – with their family, no less. And while I found out that I’m not a fan of noodle kugel or whitefish salad, I liked them a hell of a lot more than ham.
One of the reasons I enrolled my son Laszlo at a Jewish preschool is that I want him to have the kind of holiday experience that Joel had growing up, not the kind I had. I want Laszlo to be surrounded by friends or family at a seder every year. I want him to be part of a community of people who talk over each other. I don’t really see the point in carrying on the family tradition of Easter ham and awkward silences ending in explosive arguments over whether or not Bill O’Reilly is an asshole.
While I’ve been pretty into the whole “community” and “family” and “loud” aspect of celebrating the Jewish holidays, I kind of forgot about the religious part until last week when I picked up Laszlo from his temple preschool and he started singing a song.
“Bang, bang the hammer low… and work, work, work!” he sang.
“Is that a song you learned in preschool?” I asked. “What’s it about?”
“It goes with a book… There’s an ocean… And you can’t eat and you can’t sleep.”
Laszlo’s interpretation of Passover sounded pretty grim. I have gone to a Passover seder almost every year since that first one with Joel 14 years ago, but beyond the whole exodus of Egypt thing and the importance of matzoh, the details of the story are fuzzy. That may be because I can never hear what anyone is saying when they read the Haggadah because everyone is talking over each other. Or it may be all the red wine I end up drinking, which is pretty much a requirement at a seder. Or it may just be the fact that there’s a lot of Hebrew.
But I realized for the first time that the story of Passover through the eyes of a toddler is kind of surreal and pretty messed up. For starters, the Jewish people were slaves under a mean Pharaoh. Then there’s the part about a wrathful God unleashing ten plagues which included water turning to blood, lice, flies and disease for humans and animals. Also, there’s the killing of children. God decides to pass over the Jewish homes and kill the first born of the gentiles. Which, as a gentile, I take personal offense to. Hey, I didn’t vote for that Pharoah guy. So, why take it out on me, God?
When I dropped Laszlo off at preschool the next day, I asked a teacher about what Laszlo had said. I had figured out that the “ocean” was the parting of the Red Sea. She told me that the other part was about the Pharaoh’s harsh treatment of the Jewish slaves. The version that the teachers had told softened the abuse of the Jews by saying they “couldn’t have a nap or a snack.” But Laszlo saw right through that.
It was only after joining Laszlo and his class in a pre-spring-break Passover seder that I put together a few other strange comments Laszlo had been making lately. For example, he had been insisting that there was a frog in his bed. I now realize that he was referring one of the ten plagues, in which frogs overran Egypt. Luckily, he wasn’t afraid of frogs as a symbol of God’s wrath: When I had asked him if it was a nice frog, he had said yes and that the frog was going to sleep with him.
As much as I love celebrating the Jewish holidays with my friends or with Joel’s family, I think I’m going to have to leave the biblical stories out of it as much as possible for now. Even though there IS something really cute about a three year old singing “Let my people go.” But I wouldn’t tell Laszlo a horror story or let him see a scary movie, and some of these biblical stories are even scarier. Almost as scary as Easter ham and Bill O’Reilly.
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Ha! I love this part: “The version that the teachers had told softened the abuse of the Jews by saying they ‘couldn’t have a nap or a snack.’”…and I love that Laszlo’s B.S. meter is already highly active :).
Mrs. Barry,
You don’t have to worry about telling your son about the ‘wrath of God’–unless you take the Hebrew Bible and the Bible literally. If you do, then I have nothing more to offer.
If you see the Bible as part history and part metaphor, then you can tell him the stories and give him time to figure them out. You can tell him He can talk to God at any time because God always listens.
You can tell him that God does not punish us by making bad things happen to us to to those we love. He won’t understand that God allows such things to happen until he’s much older. The allowing part is a difficult truth.
And there is something else you can tell him.
You can tell him that he is never alone.
Personally, though, and with all due respect, I hope you first find him a better pre-school.
I would say celebrate the sweetness and renewel that the holiday offers.
@Diane Caso Good point!
http://www.chabad.org/kids/default_cdo/jewish/Kids.htm
Many of us can’t sleep or eat after a night of matzah and sugary red wine. Perhaps that’s what the teacher was actually implying.
I find it odd that you hated that your holiday as a child turned ugly when politics came up, and that you ruined your own story by making a political comment yourself. You can’t help yourself can you? Even as someone who hates Riley, I LOVE judgmental people who act in the same way as the people they despise. Glad to see you are raising a child.
I always find it fascinating that liberals, agnostics and atheists always wanna ignore the meaning of religious holidays, yet still reap the benefits of it. For many of us, it is holy. If you don’t believe, you shouldn’t observe it…
The plagues and the slavery are part of the essence of the holiday. The deliverey from slavery to freedom didn’t come instantly, as there was a sequence of events that led to it. Perhaps you should learn more about the holdiay before making such judgements about it. Children have no problem understanding these concepts, nor are they scarred by them in any way. If you don’t like the messages, don’t bother following any of it at all. And by the way, if you knew more about the holiday, we even spill precious wine during the seder as a way to mourn for the loss of lives as a result of the freedom of our people. It wasn’t the “gentile first born” who were killed, but the first born Egyptians. There is a great deal of symbolism behind every aspect of the story and before you judge them superficially, do some research.
@Anonymous Actually, the people of Egypt were not Jewish and therefore they were gentiles. Non-Jew= gentile. (Here is the coy and pasted dictionary definition):
gentile |ˈjentīl|
adjective
1 ( Gentile) not Jewish : Christianity spread from Jewish into Gentile cultures.
• (of a person) not belonging to one’s own religious community..
noun ( Gentile)
a person who is not Jewish
Thanks for your response. I do know the meaning of the word, but thanks, anyways for posting it. However, the story does not refer to ALL GENTILES, rather the population of specific Egyptians who were part of enslaving the Israelite nation. That’s where you are mistaken. Furthermore, the people were not even “Jewish” but Israelites on the way to becomming “Jewish.” So, the contrast you see between Jewish and Gentile is not completely accurate. I repeat what I said before, please do some research on this very important and meaningful Jewish holiday.
What a great post! My daughter is also at a Jewish nursery school and has been talking up the frogs and Pharaoh. She really enjoyed her first Seder this evening, until the end, when Elijah never actually showed up. The kid had an absolute screaming tantrum. The only consolation was that the Easter Bunny would be coming on Sunday and he gives out better treats. :)
It sounds to me like you enjoy the atmosphere his family has celebrating Passover. Instead of awkward silence and political arguments, they are loving and warm. You just need a fun family get together and not a religious holiday.
As a Roman Catholic, please do not equate my holiday (Easter) having any kind of similarity with Bill O’Reilly! Oh, and too bad you didn’t get to experience the “religious” side of Easter growing up…there is a lot more to it than Easter bunnies and eggs and candy.
Boy, that anonymous guy sure does post comments a lot. And he’s always pedantic, and he’s always humorless and he’s always got a couple typos (“deliverey”).
Signed,
John Ross Bowie
I am very happy that you found yourself comfortable celebrating passover with Joel’s family. In my very humble opinion, I think you enjoy the holiday because of his family more than because of its religious relevance. I grew up in Mexico, celebrating Easter completely different from the ways we do in this country. There, we didn’t have Easter bunnies, or chocolate. It was rather estrict and very religious but filled with many oportunities for family and community connectness. I am trying to instill that side of my catholic traditions in my own children, with the help of the easter bunny and the chocolate eggs too. Holidays are great oportunities to teach our children that tradition and a religious formation are healthy when the experiences they leave us make us better people towards others.
I LOVE this. My son is 4-and-a-half and last night was the first seder he paid attention to. He paid just enough attention to hear about how people wanted (and want) to destroy the Jews, how we put blood on our doors, and how God rules with a mighty hand. He kept saying, “They’re destroying us AGAIN?”, “A mighty hand AGAIN?” “What are slaves?”
And he really didn’t like the whole Elijah thing. I had to convince him there was no ghost who was going to drink his apple juice. So, yeah… There’s a fine line between an important holiday and just too damn much for a toddler.
It’s too bad that your childhood religious holidays were filled with silences and bad ham but all that really means is that someone failed to impart the essence and values of the season to you as a child. My family is catholic and yes, we have a solemn Good Friday where we fast and go to church to meditate on Jesus’ great sacrifice for mankind and we refrain from too much joyful activities as a way of uniting ourselves with Him for ONE DAY out of 365 but we all enjoy each other’s company and laugh over the kids and listen to family stories. The kids understand what is going on and happily, even proudly give up sweets for the 40days of lent and then look forward to Christ’s resurrection on Easter and the end of their resolutions. Don’t equate your ex
It’s too bad that your childhood religious holidays were filled with silences and bad ham but all that really means is that someone failed to impart the essence and values of the season to you as a child. My family is catholic and yes, we have a solemn Good Friday where we fast and go to church to meditate and give thanks for Jesus’ great sacrifice for mankind and we refrain from too much joyful activities as a way of uniting ourselves with Him for ONE DAY out of 365 but we all enjoy each other’s company and laugh over the kids and listen to family stories. Yes, we Catholics can be just as loud, festive, loving and warm a community. The kids understand what is going on and happily, even proudly give up sweets as their sacrifice for the 40days of lent and then look forward to celebrating Christ’s resurrection on Easter. Again, too bad you didn’t experience it with your catholic family but you shouldn’t judge Catholic holidays and families just because you had a bad experience.The rest of us are truly very happy and spiritually content with our faith and family.
I was raised Catholic, attended Catholic school for a few years, and our holidays were full of love and noisy talking and different kinds of ethnic food, from many family and friends (who were not all Catholic).I am not Jewish, but I grew up in a neighborhood of many religions and cultures. First, your comment about taking offense to God passing over the homes of the Gentiles and your ‘not having voted for that pharoah guy’ was pretty nutty. This is history, thousands of years ago. You have to stop looking at things that happened, yes, they may have been horrible, but it is in the past,and over with and you can be self rightious but that doesnt change the past. Before you write another story like this, this in depth, I would suggest you at least read the ‘old testament’ or ‘torah’ so you can have better insight as to the whole story, before your son thinks you are a moron.
First you did not like your own religious holidays because your family never taught you any religious information just fairytale application. You became an adult and just like your family neglected to pick up the book and educate your self about religion and human history. Then you got married to someone from a different faith than your own and never had a thought that it would play into the life of your child if you should have any. Then you had a child and is now upset because the family of your husband is actually teaching their faith to your son, their grandson. How did you ever send your son to Jewish school and not think he would receive Jewish education? You are wanting these people to do the same thing your family did to you, not teach anything except fairytales. I hope your light comes on soon or if it is blown you will change the bulb. Cassandra you are too intelligent you have absolutly no clue about relationships but so far seeing that you have your own placenta put in pill form for you to ingest. If there was not a child involved I would laugh till it hurt but I feel for your child. In your present state of mind you can make his life a ball of confusion.
I’m Jewish, grew up with all the holidays ad nauseam. My final conclusion: you don’t need religion to have community, get togethers, fun. love, family.
Humanistic values will provide the moral guidance that religion has (on a good day).
God will be fine without us.
TDD
One more thing, Cassandra: I just read the comment by Mary (APR 08 4:29PM). Don’t let it upset you. It is condescending and patronizing in the way that only religious people can be, with their light bulbs metaphors, attempts to appear as if they have any reason backing up their fairy-tale claims and beliefs.
The Dudes’ Daddy
http://www.daddingdudes.com
I feel sorry for the kids of moms who feel sorry for my kid because I’m his mom.
For the record, I am NOT upset that his preschool told a softened version of the story of Passover. I think they did the right thing. I’m happy with the way the teachers at his preschool talk to the kids. I’m just not ready, personally, to tell him about it. He was fine with it: It’s not like he was scarred or anything. For me (as someone who did not grow up Jewish), I’m grateful to be able to expose him to teachers who know more about Judaism than I do and are trained in delicately talking to 3 year olds about this stuff.
Hi Cassandra. Pleasure to hear from Mr. Stein’s other half. (Confession: the back of Time is the first, and often only, thing I go for.) This article definitely bears rereading, being thick in the middle of Passover cooking. This last comment of yours is touching on something VERY important, and that is parents trying to catch up to where their kids are.
Your questions are excellent, and not uncharted territory. Hope you find answers that reach the soul.
In response: http://jewishmom.com/2012/04/08/is-passover-too-scary-for-kids/
@Sarah~ ROFLMAO- I am pagan, but we still celebrate Christmas and Easter. I say, when Christianity gives back ALL of the symbols and rituals (which basically leaves them nothing- not even the birth of a god’s son, nor his resurrection)- you guys won’t have anything left, LOL!
“…kill the first born of the gentiles. Which, as a gentile, I take personal offense to.”
I’m sorry you’re offended, but the purpose of the retelling of the Jewish journey from slavery to freedom isn’t worry about whether or not a gentile is offended or not, it’s to remind the Jews where they came from, so they can know where they are going; and so they can see that G-d loves them and no matter what happens, he is looking out for them and try to help them make the best choices.
“The version that the teachers had told softened the abuse of the Jews by saying they ‘couldn’t have a nap or a snack.”’ But Laszlo saw right through that.”
If his school isn’t going to tell the truth about what happened, why bother to tell the story at all. Why not just make some new story that won’t hurt anyone’s feelings (your’s included) or won’t be too scary for little Johnny.
“I think I’m going to have to leave the biblical stories out of it as much as possible for now.”
To give him to the tools to live his Jewish life, he needs the proper tools. Each tool in its proper time. Just like with math: first addition/subtraction, then multiplication/division, etc… Each tool in its proper time to give the kids time to contemplate on and build on the previous set of tools. But nonetheless accurate and truthful tools.
Don’t be afraid of telling the accurate events as depicted in the Texts, otherwise your intelligent son will, “[see] right through that.”