Raising Pretty Girls
A few Friday’s ago, my wife and I were channel surfing when we stumbled upon a rare treat. Grease is the word, my friends. And it’s also a classic, one that I first saw at a very young age.
Which is how I started watching the movie. With the wide-eyed wonder of the ten-year-old whose tummy felt all funny inside the first time he saw Sandy, her fair complexion, cardigan sweater, full-length skirt and prudent yet playful ponytail.
But by the end of the movie, my perspective had changed to that of a 42-year old parent.
One who was disappointed that Sandy had altered who she was to land Danny. Especially given that Danny was willing to become more wholesome to win her over, as evidenced by his letter sweater and all it took to earn it. (Funny how all that never hit my radar as a child…)
What kind of message is that? I wondered. Being yourself isn’t good enough, girls. To get the guy, it’s best wear super-tight spandex. And, if you’re feeling it, call Romeo a stud as you stomp out the cigarette you don’t even know how to smoke with your four-inch, hooker pumps.
I’m in that phase of life where it’s impossible for me ponder such situations without thinking about the two beautiful little girls I’m raising the best way I know how. Which begs the question:
What can I do to help assure that my girls don’t make the same mistake Sandy did?
In a piece Pat Archbold wrote for the National Catholic Register, he touches on the matter when he laments the death of “pretty,” a term he defines as “a mutually enriching balanced combination of beauty and projected innocence.”
He contends that nowadays, women prefer to be regarded as hot and that while “pretty inspires men to protect and defend it…hotness…is a commodity. A consumable.”
In my opinion, Archbold’s interpretation of pretty, what with the protect-and-defend bit, comes awfully close to a dated concept of delicate defenselessness (which, ironically, is the type of subjugation which the Sandys of the world were probably trying to escape). Still, I understood what he was getting at.
Especially when I read the following:
Who can forget how pretty Olivia Newton John was at the beginning of Grease? Beautiful and innocent. But her desire to be desired leads her to throw away all that is valuable in herself in…hopes of getting the attention of a boy. In the process, she destroys her innocence and thus destroys the pretty. What we are left with is hotness.
Again, my definition of pretty differs from Archbold’s. To be pretty in my book, all you have to be is yourself. Too often, people morph into personas, projecting the very image they suspect others want them to be rather than simply being whoever they are.
Take a close look around and I promise you’ll see as many personas as you will people. Probably more. And when Sandy switched gears from wholesome do-gooder to sultry sex kitten, Archbold says she went from pretty to hot, and she may have. But I’d be more inclined to say she that went from a person to a persona.
Regardless of terms, Archbold and I are on the same page in that we both found Sandy’s transformation to be a disappointing one. Which leads me back to my question: what can I possibly do to help assure that my daughters don’t make the same disappointing mistake that Sandy did?
While Archbold’s piece didn’t help me find the answer, four words therein have helped me to narrow the search – the “desire to be desired.” Because that’s where so many of us lose ourselves. In that lonely and insecure space that “desires to be desired.” That’s where the little voice lives that tells us we’re not good enough. That to be better, more desirable, we have to become something else entirely.
So as I continue to raise my girls, I’ll try to keep that space in mind. Infiltrate it, even, and drown out the voice of insecurity and replace it with one of confidence.
I’m not sure what the best way to do that is, but my gut tells me it starts by being more concerned with how things feel than with how they look. And by being emotionally available. And actively involved. And a trusted confidant. And, perhaps most importantly, by encouraging the capacity for depth.
Because that’s where you find self-confidence. Deep down inside.
On top of the treasure that is each of us.
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So many questions…
Did Sandy actually change into the end of movie character, or did she merely evolve into a woman from a girl during the movie. I don’t think she changed more than Danny did, I think they both evolved into more than they were.
If Sandy had stayed the same and Danny had been the only one who had evolved during the course of the movie, would you have felt as bad for Danny and/or felt that he had given up too much of himself to please Sandy and change into who she wanted him to be?
Lets face it, the changes between the ages of 15 and 25 can be extreme. It’s all a part of growing and adapting. The hardest, and most important, part for a parent is trying to help guide the development of one’s children carefully in ways that won’t make them instinctively rebel and go to extremes. We have no idea about any of the parents in the movie, we can only judge by the children.
Was Sandy or Danny any different in the end? They didn’t seem to be. They still seemed to be the same happy-go-lucky types that they were before. They had just expanded their experiences and hopefully developed a better understanding for each other. Things that are essential for any relationship I think.
But to the heart of your worry; the loss of pretty in the pursuit of hot. In this day and age, the pursuit of hot starts young, with shorts that say “Hottie” or “Sexy Girl” on the ass in sizes as low as 4T. Pretty is a more desirable goal in my opinion too, especially up through the early teen years. Once the mid-teens hit, the desire for pretty is replaced. It can hurt to see a young woman start with the insecurities and self-judgement that comes with not feeling beautiful. At some point, pretty feels more like an insult than a compliment. A horrible state of affairs.
For a parent, trying to keep a child at the stage where ‘pretty’ is and should be good enough is the hard part. Your girls are both pretty and adorable. You and Caroline do well at giving all your kids the love and self-respect that kids need. I’m sure that they will do well. :-)
Coincidentally, my husband feels like you do about the ending of Grease. He feels that a girl shouldn’t have to change herself, to become as you call it, a persona. We have two girls, soon to be 18 and 21. I believe, because of my husband’s influence, they way he raised them and treated me, they took that message to heart. I’m seeing the results. They are “pretty” girls, both. I thank God that our girls have him as a father and I have him as a husband. I’m not taking anything away from myself when I say this, yes I raised them, too, but a father has a powerful influence over his girls. Maybe more powerful than he or they realize.
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This is why I was not given a daughter! Lol oh brother, gives me an ulcer just thinking about it.
Excellent post. I can remember stifling myself as a teenager because I didn’t think the boys would like it if I were too outspoken, or whatever. It was such a revelation to me, after stifling some parts of myself in a far-too-long two-year relationship in my early 20s, to find that the man I met at 25 liked me — and came to love me — for exactly the woman I was and am. It was so liberating and made life so much easier and better! Fortunately I recognized that for the gift it is and we’ve now been happily married for nearly 15 years.
I think the best thing a father can do for his daughters’ self-esteem is to make sure they know that he loves their mother exactly the way she is. A mother also needs to make sure her daughters know how incredible it was to find a man who accepts and loves her for herself — no need to hide anything or change anything. I hope my husband and I can convey that to our three daughters, now 10, 9, and 6.
I disagree. Sandy and Danny thought they needed to change themselves to be together but in the end, Sandy loosened up a bit and Danny straightened up a bit and they remembered that they love eachother the way they are and how they fell in love during summer vacation, away from all of the peer pressure. I think the real problem with this movie is the promiscuity and how Rizzo was so relieved that she was not pregnant in the end but when we see her last, she and Kenicki are sucking face again.
I saw the movie, probably at the same time, and with new, parent eyes. (30 year old first time mom to a 18om daughter). And I thought the exact same thing. Danny always had it in him to be a good person. (the boy she met at the beach) and he fell for Sandy the way she was. And he wanted to be a better person for her, because she was worth it. Yeah, maybe she needed to loosen up and be a bit more spontaneous for him, but not be the person she became. Ug. Changing is part of growing up but is should be for the better. Especially when its “for” someone else.
My brother, father of 6 girls, told me once that they would not be watching “Pretty Woman” until they were adults. He said that the idea that it is a “Cinderella” story was ludicrous and that the chances of someone coming off the streets “whole” were nil. I have to say – I did not disagree with his assessment and it made me rethink the whole movie. I also will not be letting my daughter watch this movie until she is old enough to have a reasonable conversation about it (and maybe that was my OLDER brothers point in bringing it up to me, his MUCH younger sister, in the first place!).
[...] (typeof(addthis_share) == "undefined"){ addthis_share = [];}I love this new piece from my pal John Cave Osborne on raising girls to value what’s truly “pretty” [...]
I think people are under more pressure than ever to be a persona and not a person (ie “branding”). I really appreciated your pointing out this distinction.
Great read! I, too, saw Grease at a very young age (actually, I saw it six times). To be honest, the message of the movie has always bothered me – even then! And now, raising my own three girls – ages 12-18 (please say a silent prayer for me) – as we watch it together, I try to point out the flawed end to them.
So true. Grease came out when I was 13 and I remember saving my allowance money to go to see it with a good friend. She loved it, but I remember saying, “What a stupid ending!” Fast forward nearly 30 years later, when I took my 12-year-old to see a high school production of it because she was interested in trying drama in middle school. Blessedly, her reaction to the ending was the same as mine. “I thought Sandy was just fine the way she was,” she said. “Why did she have to tramp it up at the end?” This opened the door for some great conversation. Now my daughters are 16 and 13, and so far, so good. But *yikes* to such much of what’s out there! “Pretty Woman” recently aired on the ABC Family channel. Worst message for girls. Ever.
I read a good essay about paying more attention to how we talk to young girls. They’re adorable, so what do we always tell them first? That they’re pretty or cute or beautiful. Doesn’t that teach them to crave that response? We should first ask them about their interests, their favorite book or movie. Teach them that the things about them are interesting, not just how they look. It made a lot of sense to me.
Loved reading this! As a mommy of a 5 year old… I often worry about telling her she’s “pretty” or “beautiful.” I have read so many people’s opinions about this topic and often people feel like you are raising a child to care too much about how they look if you tell them they are “pretty.”
I do tell my child how beautiful she is every day. What I like to do is ask her if she feels pretty….I want her to feel beautiful and confident and not just be told it.
We talk about the packages people come in and how someone can look one way on the outside and because of their inside be a totally different person. We try to stress how God made everyone the exact way he wanted us and that beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
We have just moved in sizes to the “big girls” department and it’s a big challenge to navigate through all the tight/short/slutty clothes and explain why we don’t wear those to a 5 year old.
I truly enjoyed your perspective this morning… by biggest fear is all these images out there that are trying to turn my “pretty” girl into a vixen at 5!
Hear, hear, JCO!
I agree that Sandy did not have to vamp it up, and shouldn’t have, especially given that she was (supposedly) about 17. I agree that the spandex and cigarette and attitude are terrible, terrible images for teens and younger girls. BUT I disagree that once you’ve made a conversion to “hot” at some point, that you’ve lost your “pretty.” I think the two can coexist (at different times) in adult women — and should.
Call me old fashioned, but in no way did I ever want to be regarded as “hot,” and I don’t care to be what some now call a “hot mama.” And yes, I do look nice in my jeans, which are not “mom-jeans.” But don’t even call me “hot.” I much prefer pretty, and I absolutely melt when my 9 and 16 year old boys say, “Wow, Mom. You look really nice today.” As for Barbara’s comment about “Pretty Woman” being on the so-called “Family” channel: Well, that should say something about what networks consider to be “family.” It used to be The Waltons, Little House on the Prairie, or a good Disney movie. . . . And that’s why we don’t have cable, only movies or Netflix that we can approve or disapprove as “family.”
I have a 20 month old daughter and on an emotional level completely get where you are coming from. The only thing that keeps nagging me is the character of Sandy. I think at the beginning of the movie she is a “persona” too. Women shouldn’t have to choose between being a good girl or a vixen. We are humans made up of complex and often competing traits. Nobody really fits into one category or the other and surely there is more than two ways to be female. I just hope I can provide my daughter with an environment that allows her to build a foundation of confidence in herself so that she has the space to develop into a mature woman. One that may sometimes be a good girl and sometimes be a bit of a vixen and to be smart, independent and happy with herself.
I think that you should consider that the roots lie earlier in childhood. Consider the effects that the whole Disney princess machine has on young girls. It introduces them to a mass consumer society with females as pretty objects of a male-derived version of femininity. Yes they try to put in some pc version of contemporary concern in the storylines, but look at the proportions of these princesses. They have more in common with soft porn models than natural women without implants. This is not empowering for young girls to embrace. Turn off the machine and get your girls and boys out there actively learning, creating, and discovering their own strengths. Now that is empowerment!
I think every father of girls should read Mary Pipher’s Reviving Ophelia: Saving the Selves of Adolescent Girls. I read it as a teen girl and thought it was so spot-on and wished that my parents would read it. That’s about the best endorsement you can get, is that of a teen girl. It addresses the vital importance of a father’s role in a girl’s upbringing, and focuses on that loss of self that many girls succumb to in order to be Hot and fit into society’s expectations. It helps us to save the person from the persona.
I agree with Liz. That is a good read. Raising kids to “be themselves”, yet to learn to conform to society to some degree has always been a balancing act and remains so. I’ve seen, as an adult, 30 years of high school, college kids, other young adults evolve from the piercings, strange hair dos, wild clothes, and lifestyles to responsible adulthood. Usually it’s a phase young people undergo, and as long as they don’t get too far into the more seedy and dangerous aspects of those crazy years, it’s something that parents often have to endure. Those kids who get too obsessed with the “Classical” picture of beauty and definitions of success at those ages are often even more unattractive.
Parents should constantly remind kids that all movies have the “Roadrunner” aspect to them. No, you cannot fall off a high cliff and have a truck run you over and just pop back up for another day. It’s not real life, it’s TV or a movie or a book or a magazine or a story.
As one of those girls who couldn’t/wouldn’t not be herself in high school, and therefore was certainly not very popular with the boys, I am happy to read this, and wish you the best of luck in letting your daughters know that being exactly who they are is just fine, fine indeed. The whole “hot” thing is just silly, hated it when my kids used to say it, still do. and i hear middle aged woman saying and using it too, some are even so “cool” they write it out as “hawt” (what the heck?). first time i read that I thought someone had misspelled hawk. “my man is so hawt!” (what, your man is so hawk, does that mean he soars around in the sky?). when my kids would say it, i would also ask immediately after, but are they kind, are they intelligent, any other word to describe a person than something as superficial and subjective as hot/hawt. They knew the point I was trying to make, I’m sure. and I’ll third the motion about reading “reviving ophelia” (maybe you already have). it is a great book. one more thing. i was never interested in the “hot/hawt” boys, always went for the kind, thoughtful ones (and no, i’m not saying all attractive men aren’t kind and thoughtful). Hubby and I are celebrating our 30th anniversary this summer. just saying……
I think you are a great father and send a good message to your daughters. I do have to comment on the mentions of “Pretty Woman”. THat is a rated R movie and is not meant to be viewed by anyone under the age of 18.
You might want to read “How to be a Hepburn in a Hilton World” by Jordan Christy.
FWIW, I liked bad Sandy’s big hair. Also, wasn’t it the last day of school that she showed up as a Pink Lady. I never believed it was a permanent transformation. Just having a little fun with the boy she liked prior to graduation.
Wait, wait, wait…. Sandy “altered who she was to land Danny”, but Danny was “willing to become” someone different “to win (Sandy) over”??? Do you not see the contradiction, and, if I do say so, the blatant sexism towards men and boys, here? Somehow Sandy is doing something morally unfortunate, sacrificing herself, just to get the guy, while Danny is becoming, transforming himself, into something “better” to get the girl. This idea is outdated as well, so outdated that it dumbfounds me that someone who is writing out of supposed concern for young girl’s self-esteem, so blatantly brushes past and glosses over the boy’s experience. Sadly, I find this typical. Most people seem so worried about the supposed fragile and easily influenced young girl’s esteem, but are not at all concerned with the young boy’s. Young boys are still told to “toughen up” and quit being such a cry baby, or quit being so sensitive, blah, blah, blah. This kind of non-concern for the young boys really troubles me, and I find it appalling that half of our young children are somehow forgotten in the discussion of children’s esteem. And don’t even try to argue with me that young boys are not negatively influenced buy the very same things that you say negatively influence so many young girls. If that is your response, then you truly are ignorant and obviously have no young sons yourself, or do not spend much time around young boys.
@diane — you say “don’t even try to argue with me that young boys are not negatively influenced by the very same things that you say negatively influence so many young girls.”
okay. i won’t. but can i thank you for making my case? because Danny was going away from some of the negative influences and willing to become more wholesome to land Sandy, yet Sandy was gravitating toward those same negative influences when she decided to dress in form-fitting latex and choke back her first smoke. so, yeah, i find that Danny’s potential change would have been more positive, and yeah, i think it’s a shame that Sandy “altered who she was” to land Danny when Danny was willing to alter who he was for the better. i’m not exactly sure how that makes me “truly ignorant,” or exhibiting “sexism towards men and boys.”
PS — i have three sons.
Thanks for the dad’s viewpoint. I haven’t studied Grease in this way yet. However, it will be interesting reviewing the movie along with a study called Barbara Mouser’s Five Aspects of Woman. It touches on prettiness versus seductive
As a teenager girl reading this (and only recently having seen Grease) I find this post touching and sweet. However, being in a high school surrounded by girls with moral standards that are to say the least “different” than my own, it is not that easy to remember that being full of self worth is always the way to be. I wish it was as easy as remembering that my dad telling me being pretty is all about being myself, but in day to day situations I find that one of the best thing you can do is make close friends with the same values as you. I believe we all know the weight of peer pressure, especially as a teenager, is daunting. Sometimes all teenagers want is to be accepted and noticed, especially by the cute boy in school. But the best way I find to deal with this is to stick around others who support me for being me, that way I can continue to feel “pretty” and to make my parents proud.
Also, the unique bond of a daddy-daughter relationship goes a long way, there is nothing as sad as disappointing my dad than any one else in the world because I know he loves me so much & he reminds me all the time, which is the best thing you can do for your daughters.
I loved this post (:
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[...] Know, The 7 Deadly Sins of Fatherhood, 8 Reasons Family Road Trips Kill Your Soul Dead, or Raising Pretty GirlsFollow me on Facebook and TwitterRead me on YahooShine and AimingLowCheck out my personal blog [...]
[...] Should Know The 7 Deadly Sins of Fatherhood 8 Reasons Family Road Trips Kill Your Soul Dead Raising Pretty Girls Follow me on Facebook and Twitter Read me on YahooShine and AimingLow Check out my personal [...]
[...] Should Know The 7 Deadly Sins of Fatherhood 8 Reasons Family Road Trips Kill Your Soul Dead Raising Pretty Girls Follow me on Facebook and Twitter Read me on YahooShine and AimingLow Check out my personal [...]
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