Dogs vs. Infants

Dog: Despicable package lapping with a tongue that doubles as some type of nutsack Zamboni. And just an FYI -- that picture does NOT do it justice -- he licks that thing like it owes him money.
Infant: When not chewing on his toys, he often tries to fit his entire hand in his mouth.
Advantage: Infant

Dog: Once per day, relegated to outdoor area so Caroline won’t freak over the mess despite the fact there is none.
Infant: Several times per day, relegated to highchair to minimize mess, over which Caroline never freaks despite the fact it’s legendary.
Advantage: Dog, but only because he helps clean up after the baby by eating whatever falls on the floor.

Dog: Bagging etiquette means that one half of one millimeter of plastic is all that separates you from your dog’s robust effort. (Side note -- hard to look cool on a run when you’re holding bag of dog sh!t, y'all. Though at least it keeps your hand warm on those cold-morning gallops.)
Infant: Easy-to-roll-up diaper. I’ll let y’all argue over whether those should be cloth or disposable. But there’s no arguing over this:
Advantage: Infant

Dog: Despite the fact he’s ten, our dog still derives great entertainment out of chasing (and occasionally chewing) his tail.
Infant: Easily entertained by any number of toys.
Advantage: Dog (Unlike many toys, our dog’s tail doesn't make obnoxious, high-pitched noises.)

Dog: Occasional show-stopping efforts of astonishing repulsion, brought upon by eating human food. Or garbage. Or grass.
Infant: Ever-present, drool-type substance, often shooting forcibly from mouth, brought upon by the Law of Inevitability.
Advantage: Infant for two reasons: 1) it’s never as gross as dog vomit and 2) who could be mad at a face like that?
By the way, I’m totally sorry for that picture. Truly.

Dog: Gets a bath every time my wife threatens to leave me because of “how gross your dog smells.” But he hates baths (yet we can’t keep him out of our pool?), so I have to tether him to the trailer hitch of my vehicle.
Infant: Gets a bath every day, and it’s truly a joy to give him one.
Advantage: Infant. (And, honey, please leave me alone about Briggs. He’s a dog. He smells. Get on with it.)

Dog: Barks at the door incessantly, which forces you to stop what you’re doing and open it.
Infant: Daytime: makes adorable cooing sound which forces you to stop what you’re doing and love on him. Nighttime, makes piercing cry which forces you to stop what you’re doing (sleeping) to see what’s the matter.
Advantage: Dog. (Unless he’s pulling that outdoor-barking sh!t at midnight, then it's a real thinker...)

No. I don’t have a picture handy of either one of their bedtime setups. So this pre-bedtime picture will have to suffice.
Dog: Slumbers in that gross-ass bed that’s super close to mine. Prone to sleep-farting.
Infant: Sleeps in that adorable nursery, all snug and cozy in his crib. Prone to crying intermittently.
Advantage: Tough one, but now that he’s sleeping through the night, I’m going Infant.

Dog: Slobbery efforts conveyed via a tongue that’s as big as a nutsack Zamboni frying pan.
Infant: Doesn’t really kiss yet, but giggles every time you kiss him.
Advantage: Infant. Sorry Briggs, but I actually DO know where that tongue has been. And I'm just not good with it.

Infant! Anyone who knows me knows how much I love dogs. Especially my dog. That said, sorry, Briggs! As much as I love you? In the end it wasn't even close. (The sleep-farting may well have done you in.)