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John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as Babble, TLC, YahooShine, and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. While he’s name dropping, it’s only fair to point out that Ashton Kutcher tweeted one of John’s YouTube videos, but it may have only been because Ashton felt sorry for him. After all, John went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months thanks to marrying a single mom, then quickly conceived triplets. Since then, he and his wife have added one more to the mix, a little boy they named Grand Finale. They all live chaotically in Knoxville, TN with Briggs the dog.

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Waiting for the Vasectomy: What Did You Expect of Me?

By John Cave Osborne |

Even a camel needs an occasional sip of water.


You know what I vowed to never write? A vasectomy post. No offense to those of you who’ve done it, but they’re all the same. Oooh. Can you believe it? I’m getting a vasectomy. That’s when they mess with your boys, man. Just think how bad that’s gonna hurt! Followed, of course, by an assortment of jokes about frozen peas. Nope. Not gonna write that post. Instead, I’m just gonna mind my own business over here and wait patiently for my vasectomy which is scheduled for December 1.

But Grand Finale was born in July. Why wait so long, you might wonder? 

Well, Caroline was hoping to have a V-BAC, but we both knew there was a great chance she’d require a C-section. And if the hood was already gonna be up, might as well have the mechanic do a little multi-tasking a la some good ol’ fashioned tube tying, no? So waiting made sense. But on the day of Grand Finale’s birth, Caroline came through with flying colors – no C-section was needed. Which meant that a vasectomy would be needed.

But a vasectomy carries with it a four-week recovery time and I couldn’t get one scheduled until mid September. And on October 19, I had a 62-mile backpacking trip on the books. No way could I stop working out for the four weeks leading up to it. And Caroline didn’t want the procedure to affect Thanksgiving. So when you add it all up, you get December 1.

Which, again, is a long time to wait. Plus it’s not like we were rocking some outrageous rabbit habit during the pregnancy. So suffice it to say that it’s been an extremely long time with no…no… you know. And I’m sorry, y’all, but even a camel needs a sip of water every now and again.

I know what you’re thinking: there are plenty of preventative measures that could help one with such a quandary. And indeed, there are. But it should also be pointed out that we have five kids, including triplet four-year-olds and an infant. Life is incredibly difficult right now – we’re about to lose our minds. And while we’re thrilled that Grand Finale is on board (he’s such a delight, y’all), one thing’s for certain.

If we have any more children, they should put us in jail.

It’s for that reason that I refuse to employ any preventative measure aside from a permanent preventative measure. Because, let’s face it, I’ve already proven myself to be a man of astonishing virility, and with my luck, I’d knock Caroline up with quads which would suddenly make Kate Gosselin look like an empty nester.

SO, long story short, this camel doesn’t dare sip from the waters of amore out of morbid fear of the ripples he might accidentally create.

And that’s basically where I am right now. Waiting not-so-patiently for time to pass so that we can get back to business as usual, if you will. Which wouldn’t be that big of a problem were I not a writerly type. Because when a writerly type gets something stuck in his mind, like this entire thirsty-camel situation, it’s hard to carry on without obsessing over it. Or at least without putting some type of spin on it. Which, regrettably (if not deplorably), is exactly what I’ve done.

So, you see, this really isn’t a vasectomy post. It’s a post about the top 10 things that are strictly forbidden in our house until I get my vasectomy. Which means under no circumstances will the following be permitted:

1. The Upper Deck
2. Sigourney-ing the Weaver
3. Over Easy
4. The Man in the Canoe
5. Painting the Fence (also known as the Tom Sawyer)
6. The Egg Toss
7. Seattle Slew
8. The Halftime Hustle
9. Room with a View
and (my personal favorite)
10. Fiddler’s Cove

Wow. No Fiddler’s Cove. So harsh, y’all. Certainly leaves me in an awkward, um, position, no? And this thirsty camel analogy isn’t exactly helping, either. At least a thirsty camel still has a hump or two, for crying out loud.

Oh well. Such is the fate of the overly virile, I suppose.

*This post was sponsered by our couch, upon which I’ll likely be sleeping for the foreseeable future thanks to this tongue-in-cheek effort.

Image courtesy of Meneer Zjeroen via Creative Commons

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About John Cave Osborne

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John Cave Osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as Babble, TLC, YahooShine, and the Huffington Post. John went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months after marrying a single mom, then quickly conceived triplets. Since then, they have added one more to the mix, a little boy they named Grand Finale. Read bio and latest posts → Read John's latest posts →

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17 thoughts on “Waiting for the Vasectomy: What Did You Expect of Me?

  1. PJ Mullen says:

    I only have two and volunteered to get snipped, but the wife said no. She’s having some new non-invasive, non-surgical procedure done in January that will put the baby factory into permanent receivership. Good luck in December. Until then, enjoy the couch, JCO. At least you can “rough up the suspect” :)

  2. Graham says:

    “If we have any more children, they should put us in jail.”"
    Great line, bro. As for the rest, TMI for family–knew I shouldn’t have clicked.

    1. @graham — HA! yeah, not a post i really wanted my big sister to read. don’t worry though, all the “names” are totally made up and do not really stand for any specific act. (except, possibly, fiddler’s cove. tough to say, really…)
      @PJ — love it!

  3. Life As Wife says:

    Fiddler’s cove? At least I’ll know what to call it next time the hubby asks hahah.

    Oh and sorry about your -um- peas?

  4. the muskrat says:

    4 weeks? you kidding? i got it done on friday, went to the lake and chilled for the weekend, and was back at work and normal life on monday!

    also, writing a vasectomy post is a rite of passage for a dad blogger. although, i opted for live tweeting mine instead, because i’m an over achiever.

  5. Elizabeth says:

    I’m thinking that weekend away would’ve been hard 2 accomplish without a few of the top 10 named. Maybe its best it was scheduled for February to get all things back in working order. P.S. December date wouldn’t have worked either because preventative measures need 2 b taken for a little bit after procedure!

  6. Annette says:

    If you were my husband, I would shoot you right now and there is no jury that would not have mercy on me.

  7. LooLoosMommy says:

    4 Weeks my ass! Milk it much! More like 4 days.

  8. @looloosmommy have your husband get a vasectomy, then see if he’s ready to resume the kind of workouts it takes to train for a 62-mile backpacking trip up and down mountainsides, carrying 40 pound backpack and trekking 17 miles per day.

    i’ll be off the couch in a matter of days, but i would not have been ready to train for a 62 mile backpacking trip and that was my point.

  9. LooLoosMommy says:

    My husband has gotten one, and I’ve worked in a urology office. Haven’t ever given aftercare instructions that extended that long, even for the personal trainers I’ve seen. Guess it just depends on the man.

  10. @loosloosmommy — if that’s the case, i should be good in 24 hours. 48 tops. thanks for the comment.

  11. danyel says:

    lol thanks for the laugh… my husband got a kick out of this too ;)

  12. Kira says:

    Thanks sooo much for the laugh! My husband’s due to have one here in Jaunary, and we both found this hilarious. Thank you so much for an entertaining post!

  13. [...] told myself that I’d never write a vasectomy post. But apparently I lied, which I’m totally comfortable with given this whole Santa Claus scam [...]

  14. [...] told myself that I’d never write a vasectomy post. But apparently I lied, which I’m totally comfortable with given this whole Santa Claus scam [...]

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