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John Cave Osborne

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John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as Babble, TLC, YahooShine, and the Huffington Post. He was also referenced by Jezebel one time, but he’s pretty sure they were making fun of him. While he’s name dropping, it’s only fair to point out that Ashton Kutcher tweeted one of John’s YouTube videos, but it may have only been because Ashton felt sorry for him. After all, John went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months thanks to marrying a single mom, then quickly conceived triplets. Since then, he and his wife have added one more to the mix, a little boy they named Grand Finale. They all live chaotically in Knoxville, TN with Briggs the dog.

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When Fair Children Use Foul Language

By John Cave Osborne |

Humor. It makes me laugh, you know. Findable in so many scenarios, humor is. Often those which are completely unexpected. But more than just unexpected. Counterintuitive, too. Like when you see or hear something that is in direct opposition to what you would have thought you’d see or hear. Which is why it’s always hard for me to not laugh whenever I hear a little kid channeling his inner Richard Pryor.

I know. Kids shouldn’t cuss. And laughing when a child does might make some consider us bad parents. But it also makes us human. And humans are inherently flawed. So there’s that.

And there’s also this — 15 stories I’ve collected from personal experience or from my fellow parents which I think are highly entertaining. A word to the wise, however: I’d not click through this slideshow if I were the easily offended type. For the rest of you, however, click away. And when you’re done, how about sharing one of your own profane moments in the comments? We’d love to hear from you!

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When Good Kids Utter Bad Words

It's the thought that counts

I thought it might be a good idea if we eased into these by starting with a couple of stories that are ripe with intent, yet not exactly profane by definition. The first one comes from my friend D.
"My daughter, who was seven at the time, was very mad at me for one reason or another. So mad that she called me a 'dumb ask.' I tried to keep from laughing, but I couldn't."
Photo Credit: Flickr

So there you have ‘em. Fifteen pretty funny stories. Now it’s time for you to share. Leave us one of yours in the comments.

Also, be sure to check out these related posts:

You Cursed in Front of the Kids. Sh*t. Now What?
Should We Really Call Them Bad Words to our Kids?
How to Stop Kids Cursing

Photo Credit: Flickr

Read more of JCO Multiplied:
Mission Statements of Parenthood
15 Things Every Stepparent Should Know

The 7 Deadly Sins of Fatherhood
8 Reasons Family Road Trips Kill Your Soul Dead
Raising Pretty Girls
Follow me on Facebook and Twitter
Read me on YahooShine and AimingLow
Check out my personal blog over at JohnCaveOsborne(dot)com

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About John Cave Osborne


John Cave Osborne

John Cave Osborne is a writer whose work has appeared on such sites as Babble, TLC, YahooShine, and the Huffington Post. John went from carefree bachelor to father of four in just 13 months after marrying a single mom, then quickly conceived triplets. Since then, they have added one more to the mix, a little boy they named Grand Finale. Read bio and latest posts → Read John's latest posts →

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7 thoughts on “When Fair Children Use Foul Language

  1. Ellen S. says:

    These are hysterical! Thanks for a great collection of cuss stories, perhaps the first of its kind! Soon to be a major motion picture?!

  2. Kristin says:

    Oh…JCO…can’t decide whether, “Fucking Mommy,” or your own reaction to the truck driver wins the grand prize of those 15.

    I have an incredibly filthy mouth, but I do not slip up in front of my children…don’t know why, but I don’t. So I don’t have a whole lot of stories from my own kids. BUT…when my now 6-year-old was 2, she was talking up a storm, with the expected mispronunciations that come with being a 2-year-old. She also did that typical 2-year-old thing of experimenting with different ways of making requests: quietly and sweetly with plenty of “May I please have”s, but also angry, demanding voices. Her very best was “fork and spoon” which, as you might guess, always came out “fuckin’ spoon.” My favorite moment was when she said in the angry, demanding voice, “MOMMY…I NEED A FUCKIN’ SPOON!” So I said, “D…can you try again please and use your manners?” And then she said in the highest-pitched voice, “Mommy, may I have a fuckin’ spoon pease?” Told a gay couple we’re very close to about it and when they came to dinner shortly thereafter, they did everything they could to get her to say “fork and spoon” over and over again.

    My good friend was driving her 3-year-old and two other 3-year-olds to pre-school. Someone cut her off and she dug down deep (with two kids that weren’t hers in the car) and said, “Watch it, buddy!” Pause…pause…pause. And her daughter says in her sweet, little 3-year-old voice, “Mommy? Was that one of those ASSHOLES who’s always making you mad?”

    My father’s college roommate, living in a high-rise apartment in NY in the late 1960s, riding the elevator down with his kindergartener, holding his hand, getting ready to walk him to school. The elevator was crowded, cold, and silent…until the child shouted out, “CHRIST, Dad, it’s FUCKING COLD IN HERE!”

    I could go on and on…but I’ll stop there! :)

  3. Kristin says:

    And for a clean one…a few years ago, my husband, kids and I were out to dinner in February. The kids were discussing what they had given up for Lent and then asked me what I’d given up. Mine was swearing, but they didn’t know the word “swear” or that I had a filthy mouth, so I said, “I…am giving up…ummm…saying things and words sometimes that aren’t very nice.” My firstborn got really nervous and said, “But…Mommy…you would NEVER say anything that wasn’t nice!” And my middle one (it’s always the middle one) said, “Oh yes she would!” Oldest: “No she wouldn’t! She NEVER would!!” Middle: “Yes she would…and she does. I’ve heard her!” Husband: “Really? What have you heard her say?” Middle: “I can’t say them because they’re bad words…but…I’ve heard her say the B-word, the S-word, and the F-word.” Oldest daughter (then 7) was completely horrified. My husband was now glaring at me and I just shook my head and made a face at him that said, “Really, don’t worry about it.” I explained to him later: B=butt S=stupid F=fart.

  4. Debbie says:

    These are great!! Made my night!!. Here is a clean one too. One day while at the grocery store in the femine need aisle, I spotted a very good looking man at the other end. When my 4 year old boy yells out “Get the Ones with the Wing’s, Mom”).

  5. Cary says:

    I have two, both from my eldest who was about 3 when she said these. 1. The Disney classic, Fox and the Hound, was always “Fuckin Hound”. I still giggle every time I see the DVD case. 2. I came home from a grocery trip and pulled into the garage where she met me when I asked her what she had been doing she told me “daddy fuck car”. Imagine my confusion (and just a bit of worry about what my husband was doing and who he was doing it with, while I was gone) until I realized she meant to say “Daddys fast car”. Oof!

  6. Valerie says:

    At about 10 years old, while sitting in a Kentucky Fried Chicken, my brother and I realized that our baby sister couldn’t say Kentucky Fried Chicken properly. Instead she would say “fucky fied chicken”. My brother and I kept laughing at her when she would say it so she only got louder and louder. My Mom came back from ordering food to my two year old sister yelling “FUCKY FIED CHICKEN” at the top of her lungs while her two elder (supposedly babysitting) children laughed so hard they were crying. People kept staring and giving my Mother looks. We ended up leaving the restaurant because my sister wouldn’t stop, and my brother and I couldn’t eat for laughing so hard. My mother wasn’t quite as enamored with the situation. She was mortified and she let us know it on the way home.

  7. jco says:

    Fucky fied chicken may be the funniest thing i’ve heard in like three months. great work.

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