Categories

Journey to the Center Of the Mall Santa Universe

Since I last posted here, my mother has informed me that I am, in fact, a total liar. “You never threw a tantrum on Santa’s lap,” she insisted, “NEVER.”

Well! We’ll just have to see about that, I thought, and started digging through my mountain of completely unsorted, unorganized photographic evidence.

And darn it, she was right. I was lying. Or perhaps mixing myself up with a photo of one of my siblings. Or drunk. AGAIN.

Other than one three-year-old crankpotface, I am remarkably chill and unfazed in most of my Santa photos, despite the fact that these were some of the worst-looking Mall Santas this side of Billy Bob Thornton. I mean, wow.

Let’s take a look, shall we?

nggallery template=’carousel’ id=’2′
  • 1978 1 of 6
    1978
    I am almost a year old. I like how Santa's beard is approximately eight times the size of his face.
  • 1979 2 of 6
    1979
    What the Budget Mall Santa hell is going on with the eyebrows?
  • 1980 3 of 6
    1980
    Yep. That's a three year old, right there. That's every three year old in the history of the planet, in fact.
  • 1981 4 of 6
    1981
    This picture has always bugged the crap out of me because I have no recollection of that toy I'm holding. I clearly felt it was worthy of dragging along to see Santa at the time but lost or abandoned it soon after. Even in elementary school I was disappointed in my own apparent disloyalty to that ratty-looking...monkey...thing.
  • 1982 5 of 6
    1982
    My last photo with Mall Santa, and appropriately the most busted, budget-looking one yet. What's with the moving boxes next to the chair? What, was there a wrapping paper shortage at the North Pole or something? Honestly, Santa.
  • And now for something completely terrifying… 6 of 6
    And now for something completely terrifying...
    OH MY GOD WHAT THE HELL IS THAT WHY AM I SITTING ON THE DEMONIC RABBIT FROM DONNIE DARKO'S LAP WHO IN THE WORLD THOUGHT THIS WAS A NORMAL, GOOD IDEA RUUUUUUN!!!!
Tagged as:

Use a Facebook account to add a comment, subject to Facebook's Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. Your Facebook name, profile photo and other personal information you make public on Facebook (e.g., school, work, current city, age) will appear with your comment. Learn More.