The Name
Yesterday one of my Facebook friends had a baby girl, and she named her daughter the name I’d always wanted to use for a girl.
When I saw the name, I got a little tug in the pit of my stomach. Just a little hiccup, not a pain. It surprised me that I didn’t feel worse, that I didn’t feel the sad seep of loss.
There was a time, when I first realized I had to leave my marriage, when I felt loss sharply. I’d always wanted three children, and leaving before I had a third meant turning my back on that life I thought I was going to have. I knew I didn’t have the marriage I’d always wanted, or even a marriage that could limp along any longer, so that family I’d thought I’d have wasn’t even possible. Even though I knew it wasn’t possible, though, it still hurt to turn away from the facade of that life. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to leave a situation that hurt me every day, even to go toward freedom.
But I was. I took my lumps and didn’t cry (much) and kept going. As I went through the process of ripping my wrong life apart and slowly building up my right life, I stopped mourning that missing child. I started being grateful just to wake up, to hug my two boys, to make decisions for myself, to own me. A line from a poem became my mantra: “Bloody, but unbowed.”
Yes, it sounds dramatic. It was dramatic. Anyone who’s not living the life they always thought they were going to lead can tell you how it feels.
This is not the life I thought I’d have, but this is the life I create. And part of that life is letting go of what I thought was good for me and turning toward what I really need. I thought I’d have a third child, but I don’t know if that’s what I really needed.
Now I would have another child, if I met someone who wanted one. But if I did, and it was a girl, I wouldn’t name her that name that gave me a tug last night. That name belongs to my friend’s daughter, born yesterday (and — shhh — to my other friend’s daughter, to be born in a few weeks).
And if I don’t have another child, I will be just fine being the mother of my two sweet, fierce boys, and it will all be good.
How do you feel about the secret name you’ve never used?
Magda Pecsenye writes about parenting at AskMoxie.org and about co-parenting after divorce with her ex-husband at When The Flames Go Up.
Follow her on Twitter at @AskMoxie and join the AskMoxie Facebook page.
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For me I feel very blessed that I had the three kids we had planned for and I got to name two boys and a girl. With my third I was certain he was anothe girl as soon as I knew I was pregnant. So certain that the name was totally decided on when I went to that 20 week ultrasound. I felt that I never paid proper due to my mother when we named our first two. Our two older children both had names either from my husband’s side or from my dad’s side of the family. So I knew with this baby who would be our last that I would name her after my mom who I love so fiercely and to whom I owe so much. I was so sure up until the u/s tech put that probe on my belly and the very first thing we saw was a little baby penis. We had a really hard time naming him and ended up using my maternal grandfather’s name as his middle name. He was the only grandpa I had and he died when I was a teen. My mom loved her dad so much so I know it made her happy that we paid him that tribute. But I still have that pang sometimes. That my little girl won’t grow up with a sister like I did. That I’ll never have that little girl to name after my mom. That said, I’m a big believer that you have the kids you were meant to have no matter how they get to you. My youngest who I was so sure was a girl is now this radiant little two year old boy and I would be lost without him. I couldn’t imagine our family any other way and I think that’s true for most people no matter how many kids you have.
My eldest son was ambiguous during his ultrasounds but I was sooo sure he was a girl. I had a female name all picked out for him and though of him with that name. Then he turned out to be a boy, a boy with a severe heart defect that had been previously undiagnosed. The girl name to me represented the child that I had thought I would have and not the one I was surprised with (kind of like that poem where you end up in Holland instead of where you had intended on vacationing.) When we did go on to have a girl I gave her a new name, one that was all her own with out all the baggage of the previous girl name that I loved so much. I still think of the old name with some wistfulness.
I always thought we’d have a boy and a girl. We had such a struggle with subfertility having our little boy it may be too late to have another. But yes, I know her name and yes, it stings even to hear it on the radio or tv.
I actually gave mine away to a friend who was having trouble finding a name for her son last fall. It felt right and now I love seeing his smiley goober face in photos.
I don’t have a heart-wrenching story – just a selfish desire to have had a girl. We’re done making babies with our two boys. But I’ve had a girl name picked out since before the first was born. I didn’t know what I was having with the first, was sure in my heart of hearts he would be a she, and got the surprise of my life with my first boy. He remained nameless for a good 24 hours until we agreed on a name as I’d let the boy names slip into uncertainty during the process. With my 2nd son, I knew he was a boy from as early as possible so my girl name has tucked herself into the corners of my mind. She peeks out every now and then when her name is called by another person but otherwise, she just remains on the fringes of my memory and I am wistful for what might have been if the dice had rolled differently.
I miscarried my second pregnancy at 5 months. We had found out a week before that it was supposed to be our second daughter. Her name would have been Kenna Rae. I’m pregnant again and if it’s a girl she will have a completely separate name, because in my mind we already had our Kenna Rae, we just had to bury her.
My OTHER girl’s name was going to be Albertine, and I hope many of you take it!! Go ahead. If you like it, then you get what I got about it. Please use it! Our first girl is Beatrix and we get to call her Trixie which is what I really wanted. With the second, we hoped for a girl because we liked how it was to be parents of a girl already, so much, but our boy is a delight and I wouldn’t change a thing. It was hard finding a name for him, but once we agreed, we stuck to it: Dashiell! And we both agreed, my husband and I, when I asked him recently, that we liked our boy’s name today as much as we had liked Albertine when we hoped we were having a second girl. Now I ask myself, can we call our future cat Albertine? Will my daughter agree? I just love the “-ine” names so much!! Justine, Severine, Ondine, Einin (which means ‘little bird’.) If I meet you and your daughter is any of these names, I will smile widely.
I have assigned my unused name to the baby I lost. It was too early to tell the gender, but I always think of her as Marin.
We have a beautifully vibrant son, and another baby due very soon. We don’t know the gender, but I often think it’s a boy, perhaps simply because I cannot imagine anything else. So much for tapping into what I always held so dear to me – my strong intuition! It took 38 weeks to come up with my son’s name, and this time is proving no different; in fact we are at 38 weeks and may have a boy’s first name (may is the operative word here) but middle names are proving elusive. There is a girl name that I love, that sings to me, and that happens to not be the one we picked the first time round in the gender guessing game. It’s hard to detach from feelings of “What would the experience be to raise a daughter?”, or “How would it feel to have more feminine energy in our home?”, however I’m working on letting go of that and accepting whatever comes our way as a gift from the universe on what our family needs to grow and enjoy this life together. My son has been the greatest challenge and greatest source of growth for me on emotional and spiritual levels, and I am overflowing with gratitude for his snuggly little super-energized soul. Maybe “that” girl name is really the name I wish for myself – I was never very attached to my own, so if we have another boy, I think that special name will become a secret name for mothering myself.
I had a miscarriage a few years ago fairly early on. My husband and I were sure that if it was a girl her name would have been Madeleine Hannah. I had dreamed for a long time of naming a daughter Madeleine. Hannah was the tropical storm that happened during our wedding(!) When I miscarried, we were devastated, and even though there was no gender to determine I still think it was her and she just wasn’t meant to be with us. I’m so grateful to have a healthy child (my 20 month old son) and my pregnancy was very very difficult. We are not going to have any more children unless we adopt.