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Mayor Bans Child Whining: Breaking News

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

MAYOR BLOOMBERG RECONSIDERS SODA BAN AND ANNOUNCES PLAN TO BAN WHINING BY CHILDREN IN CITIES ACROSS AMERICA

Parents and bystanders everywhere are said to be excited; children gearing up for a fight

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg today announced a proposal that would ban whining by children in New York City, which he hopes cities across America will adopt. The proposal comes on the heels of the Million Big Gulp March and increasing protest to the proposed soda ban in New York. There are approximately 941,313 children between the ages of 5 and 14 living in New York, the latest census figures show, and a total of 74 million under the age of 17 in America.

A document outlining the proposal, “Whine-Free Cities,” said it was aimed at fighting an epidemic of whining. Mayor Blooomberg backs making whining illegal because of statistics that show approximately 99.9 percent of of all children and teens engage in whining, and that it is driving both their parents, caregivers and innocent passersby batty.

Regularly, reports say, children can be heard to exclaim “MOMMY, there’s NO WIFI for MY IPAD in this coffee bar, DO SOMETHING!” and “Are we there yet?” and “Daddy, I know that I have twenty- two American Girl dolls but I neeeeeeeeeed another!” and “I am not gonna walk another block, I’m so tiiiiiiiiiiiiired, pleeeeeeeeeeease, can we get a taxi? Pleeeeeeeeeeease, ” and “Mama! I hungry! I need goldfish NOOOOOOOOW!” The phrase said to be the most irksome: “I’m booooooooooooored. There’s nothing to dooooooooooooooo.”

The proposal defines “whining” as “any act of complaint involving a raised and/or nagging voice” uttered by anyone under age 18. It is not yet clear whether violators will incur fines and/or incarceration. Officers are to be equipped with a Whine-O-Meter, which will be able to detect whines from as far as 3000 feet away. Any child caught whining about wanting a soda will be at risk for double penalties.

Mayor Bloomberg is said to be favoring the no-whining ban over the one on oversize sugar-sweetened drinks because of the clear quality-of-life impact such a ban would have. If the government’s purpose isn’t to put children in their place and make sure they don’t drive us all insane, I don’t know what its purpose is, Bloomberg could have said.

“We’re excited about the possibility of significantly reduced noise pollution,” a spokesperson might have said. Already, the Environmental Protection Agency is said to be onboard. The Mayor is said to be reaching out to restaurant staff, park staff, store staff, meter maids, sanitation workers, doormen and the homeless to enforce the potential ban.

Pro-choice children from both political parties are said to be gearing up for a fight, including staging protests at whine epicenters FAO Schwarz, the Apple store and random malls, but it is unknown yet whether their parents will let them out of the house to participate.

Mayor Bloomberg will hold a pre-submission conference in upcoming weeks to discuss the proposal.

 

Disclaimer: No sodas or children were harmed in the writing of this “release.”

Photo source: Flicker/AndrewEick

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