“Where’s Your Mother?” … and 13 Other Things I Think When My Kid’s Having a Tantrum
Listen, I understand the need for compassion when it comes to raising toddlers. I get that I need to be conscious of my son’s perspective and remember that he’s just going through all the normal developmental stuff. But honestly, when the kid decides to travel through Dante’s nine circles of hell and bring anyone within earshot with him, it’s hard for me to find my inner Gandhi. Here’s what really goes through my mind:
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Is your face supposed to be that color?
Because I’m not sure it is, and I’m not sure what I can do about it, but it sure scares the hell out of me.
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Can this cause brain damage?
For either of us? And furthermore, why is it that when you hold your breath, I’m the one that feels dizzy?
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What if I just leave?
I mean, everyone else is fleeing. Will anyone really notice?
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I need a glass of wine
Yes, it’s 11 a.m. and yes, I’ve got the tolerance of a baby mouse, but surely that’s a reasonable solution.
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Should I spank you?
I don’t, because I tried once and it felt so moronic that I decided I would only do it in Level 10 situations, like if you run in front of a car, or intentionally burn the house down, or poop in my purse again. But I question my policy every time you melt down. Every. Single. Time.
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Where's your father?
This is all his fault. And speaking of which …
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You've taken sexy back
Seriously kid, if I had known that making you would result in this, I might have been a little more reluctant to part with the Pill.
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Maybe a six-pack?
Aren't toddlers just tiny, alcohol-free frat boys anyways? Maybe if I catch up, this could be a bonding moment.
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God is watching
I know, I know, I don’t even really believe that kind of a God most of the time, but something has to scare me into being a better human right now.
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Johnny Depp is watching
That works.
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EVERYONE is watching
Are those parent-looking people judging me? What about those non-parent-looking people? What about those sasquatch-looking people? And that nice looking old lady, giving me the sympathetic nod? YEAH, RIGHT, SEEMINGLY-NICE-OLD-LADY. I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE REALLY THINKING, AND I BET YOUR CHILDREN WERE JERKS ONCE, TOO.
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You are an Alien
The other aliens have sent you down to test me! They are deciding whether or not our species is worthy of saving. THE ENTIRE FATE OF MANKIND DEPENDS ON ME.
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Whiskey
Neat.
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I can't wait until you have a kid
... and that kid has a tantrum.
Oh these made me LOL. Thanks for the visuals too!
yeah, just be thankful that yours is a “typically” or as you say “normally” developing child. tantrums can happen many times a day for my kid with aspbergers.
[...] “Where’s your mother?” … and 13 other things I think when my kid’s having a tantrum [...]
@Christine: We all deal with different trials in life. Having a typical “normal” child doesn’t mean people can’t have their days where they wish they were somewhere else. I have a severely disabled daughter. I don’t go around telling people to suck it up and feel lucky just because their kid, who CAN walk, is running around like a nutcase, meanwhile I can barely walk because that morning I pulled 3 different muscles just putting mine into her wheelchair. Or the fact that I’ve lost a child doesn’t give me the right to belittle a new mother’s lack of sleep. You take what you’re dealt with and you live with it. You either live with it well, or you live with it poorly. Also, it’s Asperger’s.