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In previous lives, former Babble Deputy Editor Mira Jacob was the parenting editor at Yahoo! Shine, a writer for VH1's Pop-Up Video, the author of Kenneth Cole's Footnotes and Dan Savage's research monkey. These days, she runs Pete's Reading Series in Brooklyn, gets way too competitive in Scrabble, and likes fiction to the point where she doesn't mind being lied to, as long as it's entertaining. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband (a filmmaker), and their toddler son (a tyrant).

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Everyone’s Got Junk: Funny things kids say about their genitals (and yours)

By Mira Jacob |

"I AM TOTALLY READY TO HAVE THIS CONVERSATION."

Last week I wrote a piece about my kid and how he likes wonder aloud about licking things. For example, his penis. And I thought I was alone in this kind of incident, stranded out at sea with a shipmate who has plenty of unintentionally raunchy things to say and no shame whatsoever.

But it turns out (thank you, Lord)  that quite a few of you other parents are in this boat with me. And honestly, it has restored my faith in humanity. Or, well, humanity’s interest in their junk. Below is a little slideshow of some of the best — er — worst things our kids have said to us.

 

 

(Note: None of the children in the slideshow are the actual children who said any of these things, although I’m pretty sure they’ve said SOMETHING that’s made their parents want to die a little.)

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Everyone’s Got Junk: Funny things kids say about their genitals (and yours)

But we didn’t get any more specific than that

My daughter asked if I had a “giant vagina”. Naturally I answered, “yes”. — Allana

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About Mira Jacob

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Mira Jacob

In previous lives, former Babble Deputy Editor Mira Jacob was the parenting editor at Yahoo! Shine, a writer for VH1's Pop-Up Video, the author of Kenneth Cole's Footnotes and Dan Savage's research monkey. These days, she runs Pete's Reading Series in Brooklyn, gets way too competitive in Scrabble, and likes fiction to the point where she doesn't mind being lied to, as long as it's entertaining. She lives in Brooklyn with her husband (a filmmaker), and their toddler son (a tyrant).

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20 thoughts on “Everyone’s Got Junk: Funny things kids say about their genitals (and yours)

  1. Candyce says:

    My daughter when she started talk called her socks, cocks….. We where in the store one day she she screamed put the cocks on! EMBARRASING!

  2. Jenny says:

    My 4 year old son saw me coming out of the shower. He asked me why I had fur on my penis. No, son. Mommy doesn’t have a penis and she needs a new razor blade. LOL!

  3. Heidi says:

    One day with my then three year old son we were using a crowded public restroom. I let him go first, then sat to use it myself. And in a nice loud voice he comments, ” Wow mommy you have fur down there!”. Thanks kid!

  4. Meghan says:

    My 4 year old niece walked in on my 3 year old son using the potty. She says :What’s that?” pointing to his penis. “He responds “My penis. You don’t have a penis because you are a girl and everyone has a butt.” There was nothing left for me to say haha!

  5. Korinthia Klein says:

    I never thought our ‘vagina cabinet’ would restore anyone’s faith in humanity, but I’m glad it has!

  6. Catherine Connors says:

    For a very long time, Emilia refused to wear underpants, because, as she explained it, with underpants on, her ‘PACHINA CAN’T BREATHE.’

    Which, fair enough.

  7. Kerry says:

    When my daughter was 3 she was obsessed with peaking in on us in the shower if the door was unlocked. One day she caught my husband in there and pointed at him and said “Eww Daddy, you have a poopy but!” He said no, i don’t, go away! lol. Not long after she walked in on him peeing and told him again that he had a poopy but again.. lol he’s learned to lock the door now.

  8. Amanda Selenke says:

    my friends 2 year old son asked her one day what are those “squishy brain things that make your stomach hurt when you squeeze them” She answered “squishy brain things that make your stomach hurt when you squeeze them” lol

  9. Mr Lady says:

    Yesterday, my 13 year old accidentally told me that I have a giant, smelly vagina. That was awkward.

  10. Mira Jacob says:

    Good Lord, Mr Lady! That’s quite an accident!

  11. [...] Mira Jacob wrote a post recently about her son wanting to lick everything, including his own penis, readers responded with some pretty funny stories of the mortifying things that their kids had said and done in [...]

  12. Kate says:

    My 2-year-old daughter loves to point out my boobs and say “I see mommy’s boobies right there!” Anticipating an embarrassing public moment, we try to teach her that we don’t talk about boobies. They are private. So now she’ll say “I see mommy’s boobies! It’s private.” She also calls other random things private.

  13. Melissa Sher says:

    These are hilarious. Bravo on being candid and for inspiring others to share their awkward tales of children and genitalia. I’ve actually been laughing out loud as I scroll through the slideshow. And this is after a week of two children with stomach bugs.

    Now, is it “there’s humor in truth” or “truth in humor”? Either way, it fits.

  14. Beth says:

    My 3 year old daughter noticed when her friend (a boy) was using
    the potty seat at our house that, “He has a tail that he has to hold down
    when he pees so he won’t wet the whole house!”
    As for the girl parts, since her brother was born, she asks often how the baby gets out. I tried to explain using the proper terms but she then announced that
    her “baby hole” is to small still for a baby to come out! Whew!

  15. Lindsey says:

    Just this morning my son, who is almost 3 saw me getting dressed. He reached up as far as he could with both hands, rubbed on my bra and said, “what’re those?” I said they’re Mama’s breasts. He told me, “No, they’re boobs…. I like em”

  16. Kimberly says:

    One evening my now 3yr. old daughter pinched my husband’s nipples and he promptly responded with “OWW, OWW!”…well, now that’s what she calls everyone’s breasts. Male and female. She is slowly becoming obsessed, which is probably normal…I don’t remember my first one having this issue, but they’re all different! Just last night we were lying in bed and she started to pat my boob, when I asked her to stop she got mad and told me that she wanted to “pet it”.
    Geeezzz!

  17. [...] The Kid Has A Licker Problem Random Things I Found in My Purse (and Yours) Everyone’s Got Junk (Funny Things Kids Say About Their Genitals) [...]

  18. Maggie says:

    LOL, when my son was 3 he walked in on me while I was getting out of the shower. I used the awkward moment as a teaching moment, explaining that while people were not dressed they needed privacy, etc, and he obviously also learned that boys’ and girls’ bodies were indeed different b/c he matter of factly mentioned “and girls have different parts, I have a regular pee-pee and girls just have ‘fuzz’ pee-pees”. Yeah, that’s what they are.

  19. leslie says:

    My 6 year old son was breast-fed until he was about 18 months old and still can’t stop talking about it. Last month when he had the flu, I explained that when he was smaller he rarely got sick in part because ‘mommy-milk’ was so good for his immune system. He, very seriously asked “could I have some now?” Also, recently, he absentmindedly patted my breast and when I said ‘that’s mine’ he reminded me with a big grin that they used to be his. God bless his future (buxom,I’m sure) girlfriends!

  20. Whozat says:

    Maybe it’s different at our house, because we’re all girls, but when I read these stories about 3 and 4 year olds “accidentally” seeing their parents naked and “learning” new things, I have two questions:

    1 – Why are people so worried about privacy with such young kids?

    2 – How on earth have they manged to shower and pee in private for 3 or 4 years?!?

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