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Mother’s Day is Coming Up, Dammit!

 

 

 

Oh dear Lord, it’s almost Mother’s Day. This is one of those “holidays” that’s fraught with unrealistic expectation and pressure on everyone. Maybe it’s me, maybe I’m the holiday Scrooge but it feels like so many of these forced commercial holidays like Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day and obviously Tu B’ Shevat  only benefit Hallmark but leave everyone else feeling like it’s just another opportunity to screw up.

Okay, it’s really adorable when my kids make me something in school and present it to me on Mother’s Day morning all smiles and love and making me feel like the kind of mom who always makes fresh baked cookies and never ever raises her voice. As far as that goes, keep it coming. What I’m talking about the pressure that men feel to make Mother’s Day special or risk being thought of as unfeeling, insensitive and ungrateful of all their wives do.

Most husbands, even if they do remember the day, just give you a card and move on. It’s not that they don’t love us, ladies, they do! It’s that they don’t have gift giving in their DNA. That’s why so many TV commercials are aimed at men who don’t know how to shop for women. And that’s why so many women are sporting stupid drop heart diamond pendants around their neck- because their husband only understands that every kiss begins with Kay.

So, let’s forget about waiting for the fellows to give us our gifts and give them the gift of not having to shop for us. Men love it when you express your needs clearly. Help them help you have a great Mother’s Day.

  1. Have your husband keep the kids in the other room while you watch two Lifetime movies in a row. Try The Baby Dance with Laura Dern and Stockard Channing. It’s all about a woman trying to adopt and getting taken advantage of at every turn. Happy Mother’s Day! Or you can escape from parenting and go with my person fave “Another Woman’s Husband” starring Lifetime movie great Lisa Rinna!
  2. Get your husband’s credit card (yes I know it’s yours too but for the sake of “treating yourself” use his copy) and order in every meal. Yes, including breakfast. Or go out for breakfast but order in lunch and dinner. How about pizza for lunch and Chinese for dinner? No? Well get whatever you want then. Jesus, I’m trying to help you.
  3. By yourself that cute white Michael Kors watch you’ve had your eye on for two years. You know the one with the diamonds and the clear band. You deserve it. Go on and do it. Or just order it for yourself on eBay. Don’t worry about the cost, he’d want you to have it.
  4. Lay on the couch and play Angry Birds on your phone while the kids fight. Refuse to budge until you’ve made it at least six levels. Or does this only sound fun to me?
  5. Opposite of spa day: eat a ton of candy and potato chips. In fact, do not even eat a single morsel of   anything that’s “grilled” “poached” “fresh” or in any way healthy sounding. It’s your day. And don’t share any of it with your children. They may have broccoli and they’d better be happy about it because God damn it, it’s Mother’s Day!
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