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Movie Clips I’d Like to See at the 2013 Oscars

You know how throughout the Oscars ceremony they show clips from the Best Picture nominees to build up the tension and excitement, so people will hang around until the end to see who won? Since I rarely go to all the nominated pictures, sometimes those clips are as much as I’ll ever see. There are a lot of reasons for this, starting with the fact that I’m a parent, I work a lot, I’m usually too tired/angry/cheap to go out, my husband would rather wait until everything is on DVD, and we just moved and we don’t know any babysitters in the neighborhood.

Also, movies are ridiculously long. Two hours is a lot of time (three if you count parking, popcorn, and previews). There aren’t enough hours in the day as it is, and I’m supposed to watch a nuanced reflection of man’s inhumanity to man unfold through a series of visual metaphors? I balk at watching anything on YouTube that lasts more than three minutes.

So it is that as a blessing to the time-challenged, whoever edits the Oscars broadcast picks 30 perfect seconds from each Best Picture nominee, 30 seconds that capture the dominant conflict and mood of the story. But what if you took your $100 million budget and blew it all on the Oscars clip? Set the tone, established a crisis, and resolved a story logically and emotionally in the time it took to finish a bowl of cereal. What would that look like? I have no idea, you’d have to be a genius to make something like that. But if it’s non-genius you’re looking for, I’ve come up with a few ideas.


  • Products I Love 1 of 13
    Products I Love
    George Clooney lays half-naked in a tangle of white sheets, quietly smiling while he works on a Pinterest board. Not to lay a trap for a murderer or make his girlfriend think he loves mahogany bookshelves as much as she does. He's just really into Pinterest.
  • Hot Dog 2 of 13
    Hot Dog
    Louis CK walks out of the ocean, stripping off snorkeling gear and a short-legged wetsuit to reveal a tuxedo underneath, except it's a tuxedo with shorts. He then disarms a knife-wielding penguin (Selena Gomez) and rides away triumphantly on a sleepy walrus.
  • Hot Dog 3 of 13
    Hot Dog
    Louis CK walks out of the ocean, stripping off snorkeling gear and a short-legged wetsuit to reveal a tuxedo underneath, except it's a tuxedo with shorts. He then disarms a knife-wielding penguin (Selena Gomez) and rides away triumphantly on a sleepy walrus.
  • The Unicorn Mugger 4 of 13
    The Unicorn Mugger
    Drew Barrymore has lunch with a basket full of puppies in a nice restaurant and starts laughing so hard she pees herself.
  • F@ck You 5 of 13
    F@ck You
    Paul Rudd, drunk and dressed like a genie, refuses to grant Robert Downey, Jr. any of his wishes, all of which are improvised and involve making out with Taylor Kitsch.
  • My Style 6 of 13
    My Style
    Taylor Kitsch, half-naked in bed with a laptop, speed dials George Clooney to make fun of him for having a Pinterest board devoted to tuxedo lapels, but then becomes tearful when George reveals to him the secret truth of all existence.
  • I, Laurence Fishburne 7 of 13
    I, Laurence Fishburne
    Laurence Fishburne stands on a rainy, windswept hilltop reciting positive affirmations. Slowly, birds and animals come to surround him, the sun comes out, and a rainbow arcs perfectly over his head.
  • I, Laurence Fishburne 8 of 13
    I, Laurence Fishburne
    Laurence Fishburne stands on a rainy, windswept hilltop reciting positive affirmations. Slowly, birds and animals come to surround him, the sun comes out, and a rainbow arcs perfectly over his head.
  • The Omnivores Dilemma 9 of 13
    The Omnivores Dilemma
    Gwyneth Paltrow grills a steak for Bill Murray while giving him a speech about sustainability. Bill then deadpans a karaoke version of Coldplay's Yellow.
  • Love, American Style 10 of 13
    Love, American Style
    Alec Baldwin and Samuel L. Jackson shake hands and reaffirm their agreement to co-rule the United States. Baldwin gets the Eastern Seaboard, Jackson gets the West Coast, and Chloe Sevigny gets everything between Pittsburgh and Las Vegas. Chloe, wrapped in a mink blanket, weeps in gratitude.
  • Love, American Style 11 of 13
    Love, American Style
    Alec Baldwin and Samuel L. Jackson shake hands and reaffirm their agreement to co-rule the United States. Baldwin gets the Eastern Seaboard, Jackson gets the West Coast, and Chloe Sevigny gets everything between Pittsburgh and Las Vegas. Chloe, wrapped in a mink blanket, weeps in gratitude.
  • The Incredibles 2: Family Vacation 12 of 13
    The Incredibles 2: Family Vacation
    Mr. and Mrs. Incredible take Violet, Dash, and Jack-Jack on vacation to Yellowstone Park. Wanting to give their parents some "alone time," the kids go for a hike just as the Yellowstone Caldera explodes. Violet contains the explosion with a force field while Dash pulls her hair and teases her about her over-sized head and Jack-Jack sets a stand of ancient redwoods on fire with his mind.
  • 10 13 of 13
    10
    A remake of Blake Edwards's classic comedy, this time starring Tina Fey as the composer with a mid-life crisis, Jack McBrayer as her long-suffering wife, and Steve Martin as the perfect woman.

 

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More from The Popcorn Whisperer:
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Downton Abbey, Season 2, Episode 5: NEW MAID LYING
Cullins vs. Collins Vampyre Smackdowne!

Photo of Taylor Kitsch: Frank Connor/Walt Disney Co.

Gallery Photos: PacificCoastNews.com and PRPhotos

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