* I will not read my child the same book at bedtime for the fourteenth night in a row, because he will be far worse off if I die of boredom.
* I will not stop feeding my kids Chef Boyardee Soooooo-Not-Organic Beefaroni.
* I will not go nuts trying to attend every single school event scheduled in the middle of my workday. The kids won’t require therapy for that. At least, I don’t think they will?
* I will not hold back from saying “BECAUSE I’M YOUR MOTHER AND I SAID SO!” Although, come to think of it, I already say it plenty.
* I will also not hold back from saying “GO ASK YOUR FATHER!”
* I will not switch the radio to the kiddie music station.
* I will not give the kids daily baths. Because it’s good for their skin!
* I will not enroll my 6-year-old in 15 different kinds of lessons so she will someday get into a good college. I mean, come on, she’s taking hip-hop dance! How impressive is that?
* I will teach the kids how to mop and dust. Because it is a really, really fun activity for them that will nourish their minds and their spirits!
* I will not be sweet to my MIL for the sake of my kids. Tolerant, maybe.
* I will not stop pilfering my children’s Cheez Doodles at night when I desperately need a snack and the only alternative is baby carrots. And when the kids ask where the Cheez Doodles went, I will plead ignorance.
* I will not stay cool, calm and collected when the kids screech because their screeches can shatter glass, not to mention my sanity. Although I guess it’s kinda my fault if they’re screeching about AWOL Cheez Doodles.
* I will not mind if my kid wants to wear the same clothes for two days in a row. Less laundry! Also: good for the environment!
* I will not feel one bit guilty about any of the above.