Poor Samantha Bee. She wrote a post this week expressing her fear that her breasts will dwindle down to nothingness when she stops breastfeeding. Well dear Sam, I am here to tell you that wasn’t the case with me.
Before I had kids, my bra size was a perky 36B. After my oldest daughter was no longer breast feeding, I squeezed myself back into my old 36B. Not long after that, one of my nicer friends said to me, “Heather…I don’t think your bra fits. Have you tried a different size?” She took me bra shopping and the bra that fit the best was a 36C. A light shone down on me from heaven – or maybe it was the dressing room spotlight – my boobs had gotten BIGGER!
When it came time to switch back to an under-wire bra after my second pregnancy, I made an appointment at one of those fancy-schmancy department stores where a person measures you. I played it cool on the outside, but secretly I was hoping my cup-size had gone up again. I was lead into a fitting room by a lady named Mildred. She looked old enough to have been around when the bra was invented.
She whipped out her measuring tape and spent the next few minutes silently measuring my chest. Suddenly, she said, “You’re a 34D. Stay here while I get you some brassieres.”
THIRTY FOUR D. I whipped out my phone and sent off a quick group text message to every woman I’d ever met in my entire life. “Hi! Hope you’re well. Just wanted to let you know my boobs are amazing! xoxo” Then I called my husband.
“Hey! Guess what? My bra size went down to a 34 but my cup size went up to a D! I am magnificent!”
“Wait…your bra size went down…but you’re happy? I’m confused.”
“No…my, um, circumference went down, but my cup size went up.”
“Circumference? Of your boobs? What is that? Boob geometry?”
“I’m not explaining this well. It’s like that rap song! You know, ‘Her measurements were 36-25-34.'”
“Oh. So, those are your measurements? Are they supposed to be good?”
“Mike, just say, ‘YAY! YOU’RE AWESOME!'”
“Yay, you’re awesome. Are you coming home soon?”
Mildred came back in, so I hung up. I figured she’d be excited for me. “Mildred, I used to be a 36B. This is an exciting day for me.”
“Yes, lots of women’s brassiere sizes change with age and weight gain. Put this brassiere on now.”
Mildred was all business. She saw boobs all day, she was practically a doctor. I wiggled into the first bra she handed me. I struck a pose and said, “Ta-da!”
Mildred did not smile. She circled around me, then stuck her hands into the cups and rearranged each breast.
“This brassiere isn’t going to work. You need something with much more padding.”
“Oh Mildred, I don’t need padding, I’m married. I just need something for support.”
Mildred looked at me like I was a very small child. “Dear, you need padding because your breasts are flat.”
“I’ll have to go search for some different brassieres. I don’t know if I have any for breasts like yours. ”
“But you just said my cup size went up! How can they be bigger, but flatter?”
“Gravity. Pregnancy. Age. Genetics. Did you know you can have surgery to fix those inverted nipples?”
“WHAT?! My nipples aren’t inverted! They’re…just scared!”
She stuck her face right in my chest. “Ah yes, you’re right. I see you breast-fed.”
It was like getting my palm read, except I’m not usually topless when that happens.
One hour and much groping later, I walked out of that store with a padded push up bra that cost as much as my first car. Mildred convinced me my flat breasts were worth it, damn it!
So you see Sam, your worries may not come true. Sometimes your breasts get bigger after pregnancy! YAY! (But sometimes they also get flatter…try not to focus on that part.)