When you’ve got kids, they’re always doing the most outrageously funny and cute things. Humans seem to have some kind of picture-taking gene that rears its obnoxious genetic head when we spawn a little human and become parents.
I’m not basing this on a shred of scientific data or study, but if you’ve got any doubts, just fire up Facebook or Instagram and then come back here and congratulate me on my statement’s total correctness.
There is a problem, though.
Kids are like a small version of adult stuck on fast-forward. The moments happen so fast! The facial expressions, the interpretive dance with a couple of spatulas, the castle of soap suds they built on their head. Gone before you can blink. Unless you’re really fast, you get pictures of a flat stare, a set of discarded kitchen implements on the floor, or foamy deflated ruins on their wet hair.
It’s over before it seemed like it ever even began. Adorableness happens so fast. It’s hard to get the damned smartphone out, unlocked and centered steadily enough on your subject to capture the gold. Like me, you can get to thinking if you’re ever get to get the really good stuff, you have to have a camera mounted at the ready on your forehead 24/7.
Sitting down at my computer and reviewing my photo collection, I see that, since I had kids, I’ve been steadily cataloging the moments just after amazing things have happened. I’ve gotten some great shots, sure; through the shear application of the Law of Averages. I figure at least ONE of the truckload of pics might turn out well.
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This picture-panic is a degenerative cycle. The more adorableness and hilarity I miss and the more I accumulate these terrible shots, the more neurotic I get about capturing at least one good shot by taking a series of a hundred. I’ll crazily fire off my camera like a wildly sprayed machine gun.
Then, having amassed a landfill worth or terrible pictures, I get too lazy to sit down and clean out the 99% of bad shots. So, now it’s nealy impossible to find the ones that belong on the fireplace mantle.
It’s getting really bad. I may or may not have motion sensors mounted in all the rooms of my house now. These sensors may or may not trigger HD video cameras to start recording when one of my kids enters the room…
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