I was talking with a friend recently, lamenting what I always lament this time of year:
I’m a geek in need of a great Halloween costume. I’m also a Bald Guy. What to do?
I know. You had no idea I was bald. How could you? If you look at the top of this blog, you’ll see a picture of yours truly, with a thick, lustrous head of.. baseball cap.
I’m not completely domed out in real life. I’ve got some hair on the sides, and a little colorless fuzz on top but I’ve faced reality: bald is bald.
Every Halloween, I want to dress up as something super cool. Like, Han Solo Cool. Sadly, being bald limits my options. I’m sorry, but even if you wear a Han Solo costume that’s authentic down to the last detail, you just can’t sell it without Harrison Ford’s tawny shag.
“Big deal,” my friend said. “Just get a costume that comes with a hat. Be a cowboy or whatever.”
“But I want to go as something awesome,” I complained. “I want to go as something that would make people at Comic-Con stop and take my picture.”
“Why not do what you did last year?”
Last year I wore regular clothes, and slapped on a nametag that read Hi! My name is Stanley Tucci. It won no accolades.
I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve figured out the best Halloween options for bald dudes. If I shave my head down to Gleaming, these are some directions I could conceivably go. The first eight are the inspirations I’d like to use and the last one is what I’ll probably have to do.
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Lex Luthor 1 of 9This one is actually doable. You don't need the purple and green spandex costume that Lex wore as Head Dude for the Legion of Doom. Just put on a sharp three-piece suit, and make sure the ol' pate is completely smooth. If you want to add a geek flourish, make a campaign button that says "Lex for President." Any self-respecting geek will tell you about the point in the Superman mythology when Lex was the leader of the free world. (Footnote: he had an intriguing stance on tax cuts for the upper class just like... someone. And he was a supervillain. Just sayin'.)
Darth Maul 2 of 9I'd seriously love to do this one… if I could handle the commitment required. That's a LOT of red and black face pain, y'all. Because if you're gonna do it, you gotta do it right. You can't go amateur with the makeup. Smeary, thin coverage will only look bad. You really need to get the right face paint, like professional quality, and good adhesive for the horns… and the ability to not scratch your face for eight hours.
Riddick 3 of 9Sure. I could totally pull this off. All I need is a tank top, combat boots, some swim goggles, and a time machine so I can go back to 1998 and start doing the four million push-ups it would take to actually to look like this.
Captain Picard 4 of 9I don't know... it would feel almost disrespectful to attempt this one. Sure, I could rock the bald head, and I could easily find a red and black polyester Trek uniform. But there's a certain something that goes with Captain Picard. A gravitas, if you will. You can't just shave your head, fake a British accent, and expect people to jump on that plasma coil malfunction when you say "Make it so."
Lobot 5 of 9Any self-respecting geek will know exactly who this is. Not sure how to make those ear things maybe cut up an egg carton, spray it black, and tape them over my ears? No?
Voldemort 6 of 9I'd love to sweep into my Freshman Composition class looking like this. They're the generation that grew up with Harry Potter, and I'm pretty sure if I looked convincing enough, I could scar them for life. Sadly, the fact that I have an actual nose makes this one tricky to do well. Maybe a carefully applied layer of Silly Putty over my face.
Charles Xavier 7 of 9I think we're getting somewhere. Shave the melon, put on a suit, and rent a wheelchair. AND take advantage of some sweet Handicapped parking spots for a few days.
Uncle Fester 8 of 9A shapeless brown robe, some dark rings around my eyes, and a lightbulb between my teeth. Bam. I'm Festerized.
Charlie Brown 9 of 9Let's face it. This is probably the most realistic choice. I can just take a Sharpie and draw a curlicue on my forehead, and I'm there. Happy Halloween.