No More Tattoos and No More Bacon!!!: 10 Surprising Things That the Bible ForbidsSerge Bielanko
What if the Bible had little tests in it, put there by God himself, to see how smart we were?
Think about it.
I mean, if you were the CEO of one of the biggest publishing houses in the galaxy, and you were putting out a book that you just KNEW was gonna make a lot of waves and convince a lot of people to live by the words between it’s covers, isn’t it possible that you might throw in a few zingers just to make sure that your readers were also doing a bit of thinking for themselves, and not just blindly obeying the text?
Take for example, well, much of the Old Testament. Yes, there is a heap of ancient wisdom to be found there, and a whole mountain of more-or-less common sense reminders about decency and whatnot, but you have to admit, there are also some questionable mandates in there as well, no?
I mean…have you enjoyed a BLT or some shrimp fried rice in the last 2000 years?
Are you one of the growing number of Earthlings with a tattoo on your body somewhere?
Are you divorced?
If you answered ‘yes’ to any of the above questions, you have, in a contextual sense (and what other sense is there when it comes to such things?) gone against the strict word of the Good Book.
So, sometimes I find myself wondering whether or not there might just be a bunch of little ‘tests’ threaded throughout the Bible.
Maybe someone upstairs wanted to make quite certain that when it came time for us, as a planet of loosely unified people, to make big decisions on our own, like treating everyone equally, as our brothers and sisters, no matter what color they are or what God they choose to worship, or whom they choose to love, regardless of their gender, we would be up to the task.
Perhaps they wanted to make sure that when faces with heavy choices, we would recognize that, in the end, it was up to our own hearts and not just the ancient written word, to help us collectively move the world forward.
Hey, it’s just a theory, but it damn sure ain’t worst one you’ve heard, right?
Here, then, is a list of some pretty surprising stuff outlawed in the Bible.
Read it and weep.
Or listen to your heart.
It’s up to you.
Bacon 1 of 10...and ham, pork chops. According to Leviticus 11:7-8: " And the swine, though he divide the hoof, and be clovenfooted, yet he cheweth not the cud; he is unclean to you. Of their flesh shall ye not eat, and their carcase shall ye not touch; they are unclean to you." Damn, and I just joined that Bacon of the Month Club,too!
Most Of Your Clothes 2 of 10If you wear cotton/polyester or any of the other clothing blends out there, you are out of luck according to Leviticus 19:19. "You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together." So break out your suit of armor, you're gonna need it.
Talking To Menstruating Women 3 of 10Ummm...even if you think this might sound like a half-decent idea on the surface, you have to admit: it would REALLY make life even more damn complicated than it already is, don't you think. Still, according to Ezekiel 18:5, "But if a man be just, and do that which is lawful and right, and hath not ... come near to a menstruous woman...." So, that's that, I guess.
Cussing At Your Parents 4 of 10Yeah, it's probably not very nice to use foul language towards mom and dad, but let's be honest...it does happen. And I'm not so sure that the punishment here in Exodus 21:17 actually FITS the crime. "And he that curseth his father, or his mother, shall surely be put to death." Yowza. I'm not proud of it, but I should have been dead a looong time ago if this one sticks.
Women Speaking In Church 5 of 10Well, this one has a bit of old time sexism written all over it, no? First Corinthians 14:34-35 says,"Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church." Hmph. There goes the choir.
Hair Cuts & Shaving 6 of 10If you are into the whole metro-sexual clean cut look, or if you happen to be Ringo Starr, I suppose that Leviticus 19:27 is telling you that you're doomed when it states clearly that, "You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard."
Tattoos! 7 of 10Uh-oh. This one might just fill Hell up to the gills, if you know what I'm saying. But there it is, plain as day, when Leviticus 19:28 says, "You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord." That last part is followed by a thunder bolt, in case you were wondering.
Divorce 8 of 10Stay married, whatever you do. Otherwise there will be some trouble and I am not talking about a nasty ex-husband or wife here. Just look at Mark 10:11-12 if you don't believe me; it says, "And He said to them, 'Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.'" So, if you're already moved on...you might want to get back together, right?
Shellfish 9 of 10Dammit again! This one is tough to take. especially if you're a fan of those bacon wrapped shrimp they have in some Chinese joints. I could eat like fifty of those suckers. But it's all wrong, according to Leviticus 11:10 which states, "But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you." Man, no clam dip in Heaven then? That sucks.
Sex Before Marriage For The Ladies 10 of 10Sorry gals. Hope you didn't fool around with that college quarterback back in the day. Cause if you DID, well...I'll just let Deuteronomy 22:20-21 do the talking: "But if this thing be true, and the tokens of virginity be not found for the damsel...Then they shall bring out the damsel to the door of her father's house, and the men of her city shall stone her with stones that she die: because she hath wrought folly in Israel, to play the whore in her father's house: so shalt thou put evil away from among you." Harsh. Real real harsh. But there you go...
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