When we think of Batman a number of things come to mind, namely his issues with anger and intimacy, as well as a seemingly endless stack of Batbucks. Then there is the sad story of his origin, the loneliness of his lifestyle, and 99 problems that want to kill him. The list goes on and on.
Lately, according to this very same Internet, Batman’s biggest problem is also his newest: Ben Affleck.
No, Ben Affleck hasn’t become a super-villain, and considering the Gigli reviews that’s pretty amazing. However, Mr. Affleck is playing the caped crusader in the next Batman reboot, which is set to happen 15 minutes ago, and your outrage is delicious.
We have mixed emotions on the casting of Affleck. He is not a bad actor by any means, and he can grow stubble (sorry, Michael Keaton), but he is already a superhero in popular movie lore (Daredevil) and we are against people doubling up (sorry, Ryan Reynolds and Chris Evans). It’s confusing, and it messes with the time-space continuum. We like our time-space continuum unmessed.
The story of Batman is a dark one, what with the death of Bruce Wayne’s parents, and the walking to the secret training spot, uphill, in the snow, both ways! Plus, the bats and stuff. That’s the kind of adversity that builds character.
Ben Affleck seems like a nice guy, but can he handle a role so full of not nice? Playing Batman nearly destroyed Clooney, and nobody has seen Val Kilmer since. And just look (listen?) at what it did to Christian Bale’s voice. Let’s call this the “Batman Curse.” Tell a friend!
Then there are those wonderful toys, which would imply that Batman is making up for something. We’re going to go with “childhood.” Why? What were you thinking?
The thing that really has us scratching our heads, besides our unsightly dandruff problem, isn’t the casting of Ben Affleck as Batman, but what hasn’t been confirmed. We’re talking about Robin. Frankly, we think Matt Damon might be a little old for the part, but we still like them apples. See what we did there? Admit it, Affleck and Damon as the dynamic duo just feels right. It’s chemistry, and you can’t teach that.
However, Robin is supposed to be a kid, and sometimes a girl. That means the possibilities are endless-ish, but not especially Damon-friendly. Luckily there are a number of great options out there, and we are leaning toward that kid from Lab Rats or Atticus Schaffer. We would also consider one of Will Smith’s kids, whichever one isn’t busy at the moment. Wait! How old is Casey Affleck?
The bottom line is that we aren’t very picky, but, and we can’t stress this enough, the smart money should be on Matt Damon being cast as Robin. This is where you, the reader(s), come in! Now is your chance to get in on the ground floor of this Affleck-Damon superhero buddy pic idea that we just made up, and we need your comments to make it happen — just leave your vote below and tell us who you think should be the next Robin.
It’s like a survey for justice. And pageviews.