5 Scientific Consequences for Babies of Older Men

Every year, it seems, we are burdened with tons of new medical information.

Charlie is an old dad, can't you tell?

In the same calendar year, a miracle drug will be released and then yanked off the shelves for causing strokes in monkeys. Then, data about the importance of various foods or vitamins declared REVOLUTIONARY is quickly silenced by another report saying that too much of these same substance means bad news. Miracles become crises overnight.

The latest story comes from the New York Times with the headline: Father’s Age is Linked to Risk of Autism and Schizophrenia. The article explains how men are, apparently, genetically responsible for their childrens’ disorders and mental health because of mutations that happen as we, dudes, get older.

Listen, I’m no medical professional nor am I even close to understanding the science behind neurological issues or gene therapy, and though they said this discovery shouldn’t discourage older men from having kids, I have to question the validity of the intent behind this kind of thing.

So, as a purely medical and highly academic exercise, I took it upon myself to further investigate the other byproducts of older men having babies and I think you’ll be quite surprised by my findings.

5 Scientific Consequences for Babies of Older Men

  • Droopy Body Parts 1 of 5
    Droopy Body Parts
    Dad is picking up the baby and his floppy body parts. It's a well-known fact that babies of flappy dudes get saggier, right? Image courtesy of Flickr
  • A Love of Golf 2 of 5
    A Love of Golf
    It's bordering on brainwashing when a newborn yells "FOUR!" Image courtesy of Flickr
  • Cantankerous Attitude 3 of 5
    Cantankerous Attitude
    Grumpy isn't just a dwarf with Snow White. He's also the baby of an old guy. Image courtesy of Flickr
  • Mutant Powers 4 of 5
    Mutant Powers
    The X-Men and Ninja Turtles are fiction. Mutant babies = real life. Image courtesy of Flickr
  • Moving to Boca Raton 5 of 5
    Moving to Boca Raton
    I hear it's nice this time of year. Image courtesy of Flickr

There are plenty of things that are great for you and also kill you. Sunlight, for example, helps create vitamin D in your system. Red wine has free-radicals or rebels or something, but alcohol is notably not great for your liver. If we added up every medical finding, dietary suggestion and behavioral advice, I’m not sure there’d be much left to do, eat, see or live for.

So, unless medical  community can promise my future children will not grow five arms, I am going to tell my older gentlemen friends to procreate at will. If they can promise X-Men mutant powers, I will wait until I’m older to have more kids.


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Article Posted 3 years Ago
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