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OMG DO NOT WATCH THIS: Nine Movies to Avoid on Valentine’s Day

Am I fan of romance? Sure.  Love? Absolutely. I love the love. I’m all for the warm goopy feelings that provoke the giving of the flowers, the candy hearts left on the pillow, the candlelit dinners where you make homemade pesto sauce for the first time and your partner chokes it down and says, “Ooooh!  So yummy!” I love it all year round, and when it comes to making extra bonus effort to tell someone you love them on Valentine’s Day, I say YAY!

But I also think that Hollywood is making Valentine’s Day totally awful by putting way too much pressure on romance. In case you’re considering curling up with your sweet muffin and watching some lovey dovey movies together this V-Day, let me help you avoid making some horrible choices that could spell TOTAL DOOM for your relationship.

Whatever you do, DO NOT WATCH THESE MOVIES.  Especially if you want to hold on to your relationship.  You’re welcome.


  • Titanic 1 of 10
    Titanic
    OMG, do not watch this movie. Nothing good will come of it. Love stories that end in tragedy are horrible on Valentine's Day. Of COURSE Jack and Rose can enjoy a hot, steamy love affair because they're DOOMED. Looming death always brings people closer together -- often on a floating wardrobe in the middle of the freezing cold Atlantic ocean. Do you want to sit through that? Do you WANT that kind of pressure on yourself? Because I can guarantee you that after the movie, your loved one is going to turn to you and say: "Honey, would you sacrifice yourself my slipping into the frigid ocean to save my life? Honey? WOULD YOU?" And sure it's easy to SAY you'd do it, because you never think you'll end up in that situation. But just wait.
  • The Notebook 2 of 10
    The Notebook
    OMG DO NOT SEE THIS MOVIE. IT'S AWFUL. It's about two beautiful people played by the beautiful Ryan Gosling and the beautiful Rachel McAdams. They fall in love in 1940, which was clearly the WORST TIME EVER to fall in love, because people kept having to go off to war all the time. Which he does. He writes her all these letters, but her mother hides them, because she's mean. McAdams pines for a long time, then she meets someone else, but then at some point the two of them get back together, but then they don't, and I don't remember much because it got confusing. But I DO know that at some point, the movies goes to the present, and Gosling and McAdams are old and dying but they're together, and she doesn't recognize him because she has Alzheimer's, and in the very end they die in each others arms. Which is a nice way to end but GOD the whole movie is exhausting. I remember at one point I started rooting for Gosling to die in a tragic heavy-machinery accident just because I was ready for a nap.
  • An Affair To Remember 3 of 10
    An Affair To Remember
    Can't comment. Never actually saw it. Not gonna. But it looks stupid. Something about how the woman has two broken legs and the man doesn't know it, and they're supposed to meet at the top of the Empire State Building for a big kissy-face reunion but they don't and whatever blabbity blabbity blah zzzzzzzzzz. See also: Sleepless in Seattle.
  • Sleepless in Seattle 4 of 10
    Sleepless in Seattle
    I'm not saying Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan aren't adorbs. They're the freakin' poster children for cute romance. So much so that you will never EVER live up to their charm. No couple will ever figure out how to channel that button-nosed charisma and maintain their level of banter all the time. And our insistence on trying too hard to recreate it is what gets us into trouble. A recent article in Scientific American showed that Meg Ryan movies are the primary cause of 65% of divorces in America today. See: You've Got Mail French Kiss I.Q. Kate and Leopold Prelude to a Kiss Joe Vs. The Volcano.
  • Love Story 5 of 10
    Love Story
    OMG! DO! NOT! SEE! THIS! MOVIE! Here's everything you need to know: Ryan O'Neal is a preppy rich guy and he falls in love with Ali McGraw, who's a working-class girl, and his family disowns him when he marries her, and they get married, and they want to have a baby but then they discover that she has LEUKEMIA. And then she dies.
  • Runaway Bride/Notting Hill/Pretty Woman 6 of 10
    Runaway Bride/Notting Hill/Pretty Woman
    I don't know what's wrong with Julia Roberts, or why she can't keep a man. She's beautiful, smiley, and obviously a total dork, but in a charming way. And yet she keeps running away from guys, driving them crazy, and making them pay to have sex with her. Roberts is a HORRIBLE ROLE MODEL FOR WOMEN EVERYWHERE. How does she sleep at night, knowing this?
  • Ghost 7 of 10
    Ghost
    OMG IF YOU SEE THIS MOVIE YOU HAVE NO ONE BUT YOURSELF BLAME. Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore are a hot young married couple renovating an awesome apartment, but he dies in a tragic pottery wheel accident (just kidding), and sticks around to haunt her for a while. There's just… a lot of pining, you guys. A lot. Everyone is sad. Even Whoopi Goldberg can't get anyone to cheer up. It's a total tragic lost love story, and it's the reason why so many couples decide that even after one of them dies, it's totally not cool if either of them decides to start seeing other people.
  • When Harry Met Sally 8 of 10
    When Harry Met Sally
    Listen. I want to like this one. It's probably the best of the Meg Ryan Rom-Com milieu. But you know what? It puts too much damn pressure on New Year's Eve, is the thing. If you don't crash a party and propose to someone with the Best Damn Line Ever like Billy Crystal did, you're a loser. I don't need that kind of pressure. Better off to just skip seeing this one, even if it means missing out on Ryan's classic orgasm scene.
  • Out of Africa 9 of 10
    Out of Africa
    OMFG WALK AWAY FROM THE TV NOW. Meryl Streep plays a classy woman who goes to Africa and gets syphilis. At one point she falls in love with Robert Redford, who's all handsome and leathery, even though she's married to someone else (the weasel who gave her an STD in the first place.) The scenery is beautiful and the musical score is lush, but that's all just SNEAKY FAKE-OUT SET DRESSING. Streep and Redford DON'T end up together, on account of him dying in a last-minute plane crash right before the end (that would be a spoiler hi!), and Streep becomes a spinster I assume, because after hooking up with Robert Redford, there's really nowhere else to go. And just because I've seen this movie five times doesn't mean you should. So don't.
  • My Bloody Valentine 10 of 10
    My Bloody Valentine
    This one is fine. Go ahead and see this one. I hear Meg Ryan is adorable in it.

 

Seth Taylor writes about parenting at DadCentric, and on his own blog The Didactic Pirate.   Follow him on Facebook and Twitter.

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