Open Letter To Snooki’s Fetus

Hey Mini Meatball. We have a situation!

I hope you don’t mind if I call you Mini Meatball but you’re not going to have an official name for a few more months –although I have a sneaking suspicion that “Mini Meatball” may end up being preferable to what goes on your birth certificate. I don’t want to scare you but celebrities aren’t famous for picking good baby names. Jermaine Jackson has a kid named Jermajesty and the guy from Korn went with Pirate. I seriously doubt that someone who willingly calls herself Snooki will be the exception. But let’s not worry about that now! You have bigger things to concentrate on —like growing toenails.

As a mom, I wanted to let you know that I am pulling for you. Sure, things make look dark from where you float. Just because you’re only the size of an avocado right now doesn’t mean you’re completely oblivious. I’m sure you’d like nothing better than to just GKN (gestate, kick, nap) but you must have worries about being born to a renowned guidette, worries like: “Will my mother mistake jaundice for a nice tan?” “Can I be forced to wear Uggs and a hoodie inutero?” “Will my first word be JWoww?” “Is Vinnie my real dad?”

I get it. I’m sure all fetuses have concerns and yours are definitely not unfounded. I’m not going to lie to you, MM, we’re all a little freaked out. It’s pretty hard to imagine Snooki married let alone parenting when only a few short months ago she was hammered on fruity drinks exposing her birth canal to everyone at Club Karma. And yes, even though she’s a mom-to-be she herself doesn’t seem completely potty trained.

But people can change. I mean hey, my cable TV was shut off fairly regularly when I got knocked up for the first time —and I was thirty eight. And sure, I still pay a bill late once in awhile but now that I have kids it’s usually just the one to renew my subscription to US Weekly. Having a baby can do that to a person -make them more responsible. I’m hoping it does that to Snooks. She has parenting potential; I’ve seen her interested in cooking and no matter how drunk she gets, I’ve never seen her lose her purse.

Let’s look on the bright side: your first job might be working at the Shore Store selling “Yeah Buddy!!” t-shirts to gorilla juice heads but at least you won’t have to interview! And truly it could be a whole lot worse: We could be talking Sammi and Ronnie. Fuggetaboutit.

 

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