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Open Letter To Weight Watchers

Dear Weight Watchers,

Can I call you WW like every other annoying person on the planet, myself included? Fantastic. I realize that most of the mail you get is fan mail. People love you. If you listen closely you can practically hear the sounds of Jennifer Hudson writing a song about you right now. Valarie Bertinelli probably included a line about you in her wedding vows! I’m positive that a million chunky housewives from the ’70s through now can’t be wrong.

But I need to be honest with you: I’m hungry. In fact, I’m starving to death. I thought the point (or points get it?) of this plan was to lose weight and NOT BE HUNGRY. But a few hours after breakfast two poached eggs on a piece of WW approved (nonsubstantial) whole wheat toast with some I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter spray – I’m so goddamn hungry I could eat my third cousin.

I’ll answer your question right now. Yes! Yes I’m using all my weekly “PointsPlus” allowance points. Yesterday I wolfed down steamed dumplings and a half a chopped salad at CPK and it was the first time I felt full in two and a half weeks. This is no way to live. The old me would’ve polished off my four-year-old anorexic daughter’s buttered pasta before the other kids even had a chance to order dessert. In fact the busboy would’ve had to pry it out of my greasy hands (greasy from eating the crusts from all three kids’ pizzas). So I suppose you would say you’re “helping me make smarter food choices” or that “maybe that’s why you have a muffin top, bitch.” Listen, I don’t need that kind of attitude from a weight loss plan!

Feast your eyes on 8 points worth of mac & cheese

I know I need to lose the muffin top. But I didn’t think I’d have to get so hungry and cranky. This is like high school dieting just with more math and less Dexatrim. Of course I’m going to lose weight. My body is eating itself. You say, “Don’t deprive yourself.” Well I don’t think that “earning an extra activity point by gardening” is really going to help me feel full. What sort of treat do I get for that? One third of a sugar-free, fat-free Jell-O double chocolate pudding. Before WW I could’ve polished off a six-pack of those bad boys and prided myself on my discipline. Now you’ve got me counting points in a tablespoon of non-fat coffee creamer. And I don’t even use coffee creamer! But now that I’m starving to death coffee creamer sounds downright FILLING.

God, I hate you right now. So despite that fact that I have lost three pounds so far, I am not re-upping my online membership. Unless of course you’re running a special because lord knows I have no self discipline. Plus, I don’t want to miss out on anyone in the “community” who might have a Weight Watchers recipe for low-fat, macaroni and cheese with meatless bacon. “It’s amazing! You’d think it has real bacon in it! But it doesn’t! And it’s only 4 points for a three ounce serving! Get out your scales ladies! This one’s a keeper!” So alright. See you after my next weigh-in. Asshole.

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