Pants Up, Doors Closed, NO Exceptions

My husband and I have never EVER used the toilet in front of one another.

Ever.

Not when we lived in a tiny one bathroom apartment. Not when I was pregnant. Not even when we lived in a hotel for a month.

The thought of anyone aside from my own children seeing me use the toilet makes me more uncomfortable than the thought of walking down the street in a two piece bathing suit.

Some people fear public speaking, I fear public toileting.

There are some parks in Indiana that DON’T EVEN HAVE DOORS ON THE BATHROOM STALLS. No thank you, I’d rather just hold it until I die. Would I ever survive in Europe*? Probably not.

We are most certainly the minority when it comes to our marital bathroom habits, and sadly it’s too late for many of my married friends. The line has already been crossed. I’ve even heard of the line being crossed before marriage. Sometimes it’s even crossed in the early stages of dating. This disappoints me. You see, once you’re truly commited what’s yours is theirs and what’s theirs is yours (within fairly reasonable limits of course.) Cody can use my tweezers, I’ll even share my razors with him, but my precious alone time in the bathroom? HE SHALL NEVER TAKE THAT FROM ME.

In our house, when bathroom door is shut, it stays shut until the person who shut it opens it again. It doesn’t matter if I’m on the other side of that door having the poop of a lifetime or simply examining my pores with one of those horrifying magnifying mirrors, if the door is shut, you find another bathroom or you wait. Period. I’m fairly convinced that if Cody ever saw me sitting on the toilet he would never be able to get the image out of his brain and that would be all he could think of when it came time to kiss me.

DON’T LAUGH I’M SERIOUS.

In high school there was a boy that I really, really liked. His name was Chris Belden (Hi if you’re reading this Chris! It’s about to get WAY MORE AWKWARD!) and pretty much every girl had a crush on him whether they wanted to admit it or not. He and I were never, ever going to happen (I was so awkward) so I needed to find a way to cure my Chris attraction. One of my more strange friends said “Picture him taking a giant poop.”

Welp.

That cured it.

I couldn’t look at him without thinking about him alone in a bathroom after a rough night of Mexican food.

I just looked him up on facebook and sure enough…sorry dude.

Needless to say, seeing the love of my life and the father of my children on the toilet could be…detrimental.

One of my friends justified her marital toilet use by saying “I don’t want to have to end or pause a really good conversation just because one or the other of us has to use the bathroom!

YOU HAVE ETERNITY TOGETHER. PAUSE THE CONVERSATION AND USE THE TOILET BY YOURSELF YOU HEATHEN.

Several other friends say “Well, I’ll pee in front of my husband, but never number two.

WHAT IF NUMBER TWO SURPRISES YOU? WHAT THEN? And let’s not even get started on farts. If we do not poop or pee in front of each other and you’d better believe we do not fart in front of one another.

WE ARE CIVILIZED.

If you are single, or in the early stages of a relationship, please…*takes your hands*…please make a pact that you will keep your bathroom time solo and precious. Once you’re married it may be the only alone time you ever get again. That person out there you will be spending the rest of your life with? You’re going to want them to do some pretty, personal things with/to you in your lifetime together. Don’t let seeing you poop be one of them.

If Cody and I can make it 12 years and two kids with our bathroom privacy intact? So can you.

(*Apparently after offending a good majority of an entire continent (sorry,) I’d like to explain that I am referring to backpacking through Europe the way my friend Sarah did (hi Sarah!) I realize you don’t all know Sarah, but Sarah told me many a tale of hostels with shared same sex bathrooms. Perhaps she dramaticized the bathroom situation knowing my…quirks…but when I say I wouldn’t survive in Europe, I mean I would have a problem with the shared same sex bathrooms that my friend Sarah experienced when she backpacked through Europe. Sincere apologies Europe, super fun being judged by the rest of you! xoxo.)

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Find more of Casey’s writing on her blog moosh in indy or her Babble’s Toddler Times. She’s also available on twitter, facebook, flickr and Instagram. If you can’t find her any of those places? Check the couch, she’s probably taking a nap.

Photo Credit: Flickr

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