I’ve mentioned before that I’m a raging Googler. It’s one of my addictions, right up there with referring to Easter as “Cadbury creme egg season” and idolizing people with shiny hair. And it’s an addiction that doesn’t bode well when there’s a newborn in the house.
I’d heard somewhere that Rule #1 to caring for a newborn is to avoid Google. (Rule #2 is to avoid Google Images even more so.) And I did not follow either of these rules. I broke them like a record, spinning myself into a downward cycle of potential diseases and birth defects that my tiny daughter was cursed with. And now that we’ve survived the “fourth trimester” with no major, life-threatening deficiencies, I can now laugh about my search engine obsessiveness. In fact, I’ll even let you laugh along. Behold, my Google search history from the past three months, in list form*:
1. She’s born. Now what?
2. Sitz bath 101.
3. Birth announcement etiquette.
4. When does a newborn’s belly button fall off?
5. The belly button fell off. What next?
6. Baby acne (Google image alert!).
7. How much spit up is normal?
8. Spit up vs. projectile vomit.
9. How to clean projectile vomit off your dog.
10. How to clean projectile vomit off your sweater.
11. How to clean projectile vomit off your dog’s sweater.
12. Is her head shaped weird?
13. Well-intentioned mother-in-laws + newborn.
14. Acid reflux symptoms in infants.
15. No really, is her head shaped weird?
16. Acid reflux treatment.
17. When do I get my period postpartum?
18. Mastitis treatment.
19. Mastitis + fever.
20. Mastitis + ohmygoshthishurtssobad.
21. New nursing positions.
22. Nipple confusion.
23. Baby screaming at nipple.
24. Do normal babies cry this much?
25. How to introduce bottle.
26. Automatic thank you note services?
27. How to clean smelly baby neck.
28. Finding a pediatrician.
29. Vaccination studies.
30. Finding a pediatrician that doesn’t suck.
31. Soothing techniques for screaming babies.
32. Soothing techniques for moms with screaming babies.
33. When do babies hold their heads up?
34. When do babies talk?
35. When do babies take out the trash?
36. Infant hasn’t pooped in 4 days.
37. Infant hasn’t pooped in 5 days.
38. Infant poop explosion clean-up.
39. Best baby swings.
40. How to find a baby swing without a flying monkey on it.
41. How to find a baby swing without a flying monkey playing shuffleboard on it.
42. Deciphering baby cries.
43. My baby’s head really is shaped weird.
44. How to re-shape a baby’s head.
45. What to do when you can’t re-shape a baby’s head. (Related: Large hats for babies.)
46. When do babies get freckles?
47. Why do babies hiccup?
48. How to tie a Moby wrap.
49. Bottle preference.
50. Why people have babies.
*Disclaimer: I didn’t search for all 50 of these. Just the first 49. Or so.
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