Aside from the complications of trying to watch the Summer Olympics due to NBC’s failure to handle things correctly, I have to be honest and confess I have not really watched a lick of the events though they are ending this Sunday. Call me a traitor to the USA, but I’m not interested, unless it happens to be on a TV in a place where I am sitting and cannot get up. Or if the trampoline matches are happening.
But one day, someone, who shall remain nameless, was verbally assaulting me over my lackluster support and I suddenly realized why I didn’t care for the Herculean feats broadcast across the pond in London:
I CAN’T DO ALL THE THINGS.
So, instead of crying myself to sleep in a pool of unicorn urine, I have decided to invent a Parenting Olympics and create events that we can all rally around.
Here are a few possible contests of skill, agility and strength:
Endurance Planking 1 of 12You're not sleeping. You're laying there for hours. Awake. Because you're engaged in the marathon of long-term sleep-deprivation that is parenting. It's basically the Sleep Deprivation 2x FOREVER Relay Race. Source: Flickr
Spit-Up 20m Sprints 2 of 12I guarantee you there is no way you can grab a towel or rag or wipe fast enough to clean up some spit-up. But I'd watch that. Like I watch the Animal Planet crocodiles taking down an antelope. Source: Flickr
Diaper Shot-Put 3 of 12Bring some of those burly dudes over to my house. Let them TRY to handle a diaper filled with the acrid stench of tiny human excrement. Not so tough, are they? Source: Flickr
Lego Toy Long Jump 4 of 12We all know Legos are deadly feat impalers. But can you jump over two sets of them with a slight foyer run? It's a battle of the legs and mind. Source: Flickr
Bedtime Equestrian 5 of 12There's only one way you're getting those kids in bed. It's a combination of horseplay and obstacle course. Source: Flickr
Dinnertime Table Tennis 6 of 12In this event, the object passed back and forth need not be solid, testing the skill and reflexes of the contestant. It's more grueling than explosive. Source: Flickr
Car Seat Removal Deadlift 7 of 12The strongest ironman in the world could not, day in and day out, place children in a child seat. Without the use of a specialized crane, there is no way to do this without some form of injury. The best players in this event would be gods among humans. Source: Flickr
Changing Table Greco-Roman Wrestling 8 of 12Grappling never looked so difficult. You could've studied wrestling and various martial arts your entire life. Babies will find a way. So will toddlers. Source: HowToBeADad.com
Toy Store Judo 9 of 12Opponents face off in the public arena of a store, scuffle for a product swiped from a shelf. Who will be victorious? No one. That's who. Source: HowToBeADad.com
Poopoo Diaper Badminton 10 of 12Two adults fighting over who changes and throws away a diaper. It's pretty simple. RATINGS EXPLOSION. Like my son's butt. Source: Flickr
Fencing 11 of 12Do you have male children? Then, don't ask. Source: Flickr
Dressing Gymnastics 12 of 12Trying to put clothes on your twirling bendy, talked-up athlete. Source: Flickr
But allow me to be patriotic for just a moment and say, I think the USA would CLEAN UP at these events. Hands down.
And all performance enhancing drugs/methodologies would be allowed. They’re allowed in parenting, right?
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