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POTTY TRAINING IS ONE BIG FAT LIE

Some cultures believe that cats have the ability to erase all memories of potty training through the use of laser eye-beams. (Not true. Yet, I feel better)

Hey there Mom,

Remember when you weren’t covered in a full body sweat over the anticipation of wanting your child to poop in a porcelain bowl? What about those carefree days when your sweet baby pooped at will wherever/whenever because they were still wearing an age appropriate diaper?   Man, those days were fun.  Contained poop is such glorious beautiful freedom!

Now the conversations with your “in-potty-training” child may sound something like this:

“Do you want to go potty?  Is it potty time?  Great job for pee in the potty!  How about a poo?  You want to go poo in the potty?  I’ll read you a book.  I got you a chocolate….a chocolate for a poo.  What’s that?  You want Goldfish crackers too?  Sure….but all you have to do is go potty.  Go poo poo on the potty.  You like marshmallows?  Chocolate, Goldfish and marshmallows for a poo poo on the potty!  That’s all you have to do.  Just one teeny tiny little poo poo on the potty that will give Mommy hope:  Hope that one day her hands, and sometimes hair, won’t be covered in toddler feces.  Hope that you not pooing on the potty doesn’t translate into you never listening to me as a teenager. Hope that my desperation for you to have a bowel movement in a real washroom won’t mean that you’ll have nightmares as an adult. Nightmares of your mother looking almost tearful, feces on face, bulgy eyeballs with a wrinkled forehead begging you to just have ONE LITTLE POO.”

Sound familiar?  Okay, maybe I’m going over the top with the marshmallows but here’s what I’ve come to learn, and I believe this with all my heart:

POTTY TRAINING IS A MYTH.  IT DOES NOT WORK.  RETREAT I SAY.  RETREAT.

Sally down the street was potty trained at one and a half?  Awesome.  But you know why?  Because her ancestors from the 1400’s were potty trained at one and a half.  It’s in her DNA.  Don’t believe me?  I don’t care.  I instantly feel better.

Your own mother can’t believe your son is taking so long to get out of diapers?  I mean she had you potty trained at 8 months.  You were done.  No problem.  It took one stern conversation with you and BOOM! Potty trained.  New Flash:  YOUR MOTHER IS A LIAR.  Full blown lie.  Forgive her.  It’s not her fault that she’s a super huge liar, it’s simply an annoying survival technique passed down through generations of mothers.  I’m sorry to tell you this but you will also inherit this habit.  It’s in your DNA, there is no escaping.

The potty will not train the child, it is the child who must train the potty.  (So getting this on a t-shirt)

Ever watch The Karate Kid?  Same thing.  Except I don’t even think Mr Miyagi could win at potty training.

IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT.  Your child is not pooping on the potty today because of the current position of the solar system.  Don’t believe me?  Okay fine, but how about for one second it was actually true?

Feel better?

Good.

Love your friend in crappy times,

Allana

 

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Check out other posts by  Sam and Allana:

In which Allana tackles pacifiers!

In which Sam is mocked by her own flesh and blood

In which Sam reveals that she turned out okay even though she cries at parties

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