Princess Pantyhose LoverCasey Mullins
My name is Casey and I love nude pantyhose.
I don’t particularly like the word ‘pantyhose’ for a myriad of reasons, I much prefer the term ‘stocking’ but unfortunately we’ve gone so far away from stockings and pantyhose in today’s society that most people think ‘were hung by the chimney with care‘ before they think sheer leg covering made of silk and/or spandex/polyester blend.
My love affair with stockings was reignited Friday night as I was faced with a very fancy party in a very fancy dress with a very poorly applied spray tan. Never get your first spray tan of the season two days before a big event, there’s an annual learning curve with the things and despite my belief I knew all there was to know about spray tans, I obviously did not. My feet looked wretched, my knees were dirty looking and the streaks? Oh boy, the streaks.
I was faced with three options, hope no one noticed the crazy going on below my knees, spray on leg makeup (yes, there is such a thing) in a desperate attempt to color correct myself or nude pantyhose. I mean, they still sell them so obviously someone still wears them, then again high waisted and tapered jeans are still available for purchase so clearly availability shouldn’t be the sole factor in making major fashion decisions.
By the end of the night it was clear I was onto something and when nude pantyhose come back in style? I’m totally taking credit for being way ahead of the rest of you when it comes to fashion, for the first time ever.
I did a little pantyhose research and it turns out the main reason women stopped wearing them is because they were oppressive and uncomfortable. You know what’s uncomfortable? Standing in front of a complete stranger buck naked as they spray you with tanning solution. You know what else is uncomfortable? Shaving, all the time. Even more uncomfortable? Waxing. The bunchy pantyhose most of us remember tugging at during eight grade graduation are a thing of the past.
Even the $4 pantyhose from the grocery store are leaps and bounds ahead of the crap we had to put up with in our youth. They stay up, they don’t bunch, they don’t run if you look at them wrong and best of all? Spandex at the top forgives a multitude of bulgy sins. If you want to argue with me on comfort, I have several friends who admit to double Spanx-ing. DOUBLE SPANX-ING! Obviously they hate themselves, breathing and being able to pee in a reasonable amount of time.
I’m a pasty person with dark leg hair. Hooray! Every little hair follicle shows up even after I shave or wax and those dark spots? No, those aren’t bruises, those are varicose veins, super hot right? I’m basically a 30 year old with my 92 year old grandmother’s legs. I must have been taking a nap when they handed out legs, because mine are most certainly the end of year clearance model no one else wanted. Last night I was hyper aware of everyone else and their bare legs. Part of me was desperately searching for botched spray tans (SO MANY!) while another part of me was hoping to find an equally young and fashionable girl like myself rocking the L’eggs Silken Mist in nude.
4,000 people, 8,000 legs and mine were the only ones I saw swathed in pantyhose, and you know what? I rocked the hell out of those things.
It was only after the event was over that I found out Kate Middleton is bringing nude stockings back in a major way.
Dear stocking naysayers, are you saying you’re too good for legit princess fashion?
I mean, if I were trying to justify a fashion choice based off of something I saw on Nicki Minaj, you could judge me. But the world’s most fashionable princess since Diana? You’re already wondering what size ‘hose to buy, I can see it in your eyes.
Rules still apply when wearing pantyhose, even for me. The color has to be as close to my own skin tone as possible, they can’t be super shiny and NO WAY am I wearing them with open toed shoes. Speaking of shoes, I should also mention I wore very sensible and practical shoes last night. My smuggery was palpable as I practically skipped past women in heels limping and hobbling to their cars after a six hour celebration fueled by liquor and little designer dresses.
Did I ever tell you about the time I went to a drag show in my twenties wearing orthopedic shoes and a dress from Coldwater Creek? No? Funny how that slipped my mind.
Nude pantyhose have been flying off the shelves in the UK ever since the royal wedding and according to an InStyle poll more than 80% of women are on board with pantyhose.
I realize a lot of women fought really hard to leave pantyhose in their feminist dust, they clearly must have had a skin tone that was slightly more alluring than cadaver. I appreciate pantyhose for giving my legs a presentable appearance, keeping my bum jiggles under control, and saving me from the embarrassment of spray tan shenanigans. While they may not be for everyone, they’re most certainly for this girl (who may just be an 85 year old woman stuck in a 30 year old body, pass the prune juice y’all.)