I’ve been married for almost eight years, and even though I adore Andy and would never cheat on him (because let’s face it, I haven’t exactly kept things in showroom ready condition), he still gets jealous when he walks in to find me watching Stripes. Not The Notebook or Magic Mike… Stripes.
I’ve never been the traditional beauty type. Dismissing Kirk Cameron and Corey Haim for Danny from NKOTB and Tom Hanks redheaded friend from Big. This made for less tear out posters from Tiger Beat and me being the only girl scribbling Mrs. Jared Rushton on her Trapper Keeper.
My infatuation with the quirky continues to this day, and honestly, I think it makes my husband a little insecure. Do I care that he gets a hard-on for Megan Fox or Jessica Alba? Nope. I’m not really the jealous type, and that includes losing my head over some celebrity crush that will likely never, ever, pan out. Not that he isn’t a hottie, but millions of guys drool over these women, and if they find themselves falling for a computer engineer in Ohio, they better come with a love for back shaving and scrubbing armpit stains out of undershirts.
Shauna: And overdraft fees.
You want my life Alba!?
While it’s equally unrealistic that Ryan Gosling will show up craving a thirty-one year old chubby girl with a childbirth-induced incontinence issue (because my celebrity crushes are a bit more nontraditional) my hubby gets a little bit ruffled when he catches me drooling over men that he feels like I could potentially actually leave him for.
Bill Murray 1 of 5Every year, the top three items on my Christmas list are always the same. Travel to Greece. World peace. Record a slo-mo entrance with Bill Murray. Last year I got a KitchenAid mixer. There is just something about this man. He's made me laugh for three decades, and last time Andy and I role-played in the bedroom, well... let's just say Dr. Venkman had to use his proton pack. By proton pack, I meant penis, not that I had a ghost-like vagina. That came off weird, pretend it was a euphemism.
Adam Sandler 2 of 5This man can do no wrong. Okay fine, Little Nicky and Jack & Jill are questionable, but everythingelse, brilliant. He reels me in with his immature humor and off-beat looks. He's loyal to his Schlub Pack of guys, and every movie feels like I'm hanging out with friends making fart jokes and drinking too much. Sometimes he's chubby. Sometimes he shows up in sweatpants. Sometimes he makes fun of old people. And all I can think is, me too, dude, let's be soul mates.
Alan Rickman 3 of 5The early 2000's were a banner year for me and Alan Rickman. First, he woo'ed me as a brooding potions teacher at a magical wizarding school, and then he seduced me as a loveable but potentially adulterous boss in Love, Actually. By the end of Deathly Hallows Part Two? I was bawling my face off and eating my loss in expired frozen Thin Mints. Always, Rickman. Always.
Steve Martin 4 of 5"I'm picking out a Thermos for you. Not an ordinary Thermos for you. But the extra best Thermos that you can buy, with vinyl and stripes and a cup built right in." While most kids my age were watching Fraggle Rock and After School Special, I was watching The Jerk, SNL and Three Amigos. He's a brilliant actor and author, and also, is completely adorable. Does it bug me that he grew out one long nail to play the banjo with? No. Okay yeah kinda, but long nails on dudes are gross.
Tom Selleck 5 of 5Sometimes I like to pretend that it's still totally okay for guys to have mustaches and ride around inspeed boats wearing crazy short neon swim trunks. Of course, that fantasy has me suspending the reality that I, in fact, hate boats of all kinds, and my dad still has a mustache from the 80's, and no, this is not an Oedipus thing, shut up you guys! Where was I? OMG how hot is Tom Selleck, y'all?
Humor is clearly my erogenous zone, because I’m sexually drawn to men who make me laugh. Well, except for Tom Selleck, I mean, I just really like his mustache.
Shauna: It’s like the perfect mustache.
Brittany: Right? Who’s on your list?
Shauna: Jack Black, Steve Zahn, John Cusack, Matthew Broderick and Bill Paxton.
Brittany: Polygamist Bill Paxton or Twister Bill Paxton?
Shauna: Does it matter?
Brittany: Not even a little.