Is mean girl behavior inevitable for school-aged girls?
Over the summer, we took a weekend trip with a few other families. We had a great time, but it is always interesting to be in close proximity to friends in a concentrated amount of time. It’s also interesting when you add a dozen kids to the mix . . . and watch as all of their social dynamics play out.
My oldest daughter is almost six years old, and started kindergarten a few weeks ago. On this particular trip there were a number of other girls, two of whom she considers her best friends. All of these girls are lovely kids and we’re very close to their families, but on this trip I noticed a new and concerning dynamic with the girls my daughter’s age: there was a whole lot of mean-girl behavior and sassy social posturing going on.
Now, let me preface this by saying, I’m not holding out any judgements towards this girls or their parents. Both of the girls in question are a year ahead of my daughter in school, and both of them have teen or tween siblings, so they’ve had a bit more exposure to some of this stuff and I’m guessing they are experimenting with what they’ve observed. But it was so disheartening to watch as, all weekend long, the two of them engaged in mean-spirited and excluding behaviors at the expense of my daughter (or each other). It seemed like every hour there was a new drama, a fresh statement of friendship or lack-thereof, or a new cruel game to be played. “Let’s walk fast so she can’t keep up!” ”We have a secret handshake and you don’t know it.” ”We want to be alone right now.” “She’s not my friend anymore!” “I don’t like her because she said XYZ.” “You’re not allowed in this room, just the two of us.” On and on and on. Peppered with eye-rolling and plenty of sass.
Honestly, it was hard for me to keep this from coloring the weekend. In part because I was defensive for my daughter and had to deal with her crying fallout each night, but in part because, as an adult, childhood cruelty just objectively drives me bonkers. However, I’m not naive enough to think that my daughter will ever be immune from acting this way. I certainly remember partaking in this kind of dramatic triangulation with two other friends when I was a kid. I was a bit older, but I certainly experimented with power and exclusion at the expense of others.
The whole thing got me wondering about my own daughter, and how I can prevent her from behaving this way in a year or two. I had several talks with her about the behavior she was witnessing and tried to emphasize that her friends were merely trying to feel important in a way that was unfortunately hurtful to others. We talked about positive ways to feel special, and I encouraged her to act on those things instead of trying to exclude others. But I suspect that as she gets a bit more socially sophisticated it will be tempting for her to join in on the mean-girl stuff. It’s enough to make me want to homeschool.
I’m curious – do you think that mean girl behavior is a natural part of growing up? Can it be avoided? Are there ways that we can parent around it, or is this kind of social experimentation an inevitable developmental stage?
You can find Kristen blogging at Rage Against the Minivan, or avoiding housework over at Facebook or Twitter. Other posts you might enjoy:
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I’m not sure that it’s always ‘mean girl behavior’, but I’ve noticed that it is very difficult for 3 girls to play together. One always seems to get left out, and I don’t know why. A friend took my daughter and I, along with her daughter, over to someone’s house because we’re knew in town and the third woman has a daughter the same age as mine. One girl is 5, the other two are 3, and of course the 5-year-old got left out because the 3-year-olds just have more in common. One-on-one, she does really well with either of the other girls, but as part of a group of three, she was left out.
I also noticed that my daughter kind of gets left out when the older girl is playing with a different 3-year-old, but I think it’s mainly because the other 3-year-old idolizes the older girl and is worried that my daughter will swoop in and steal her away.
The way I figure it, I’ve got to be aware of these things and try to talk to my daughter so that she’s not the one leaving others out. She can’t control what others do, but if she tells them that she is hurt by being left out and shows them that she’s not willing to do that to others, then that’s the best I can hope for.
I agree with Angela, three girls never works. If there are two they have a fight and eventually move on. If there are 4 usually they split 2 and 2. Three is just a bummer. My mom informed me of this growing up and it was really true until I was in 7th grade. I also think the mean girl period is younger than parents expect about 6-10 year old are the worst, at least that was my experience growing up.
I never understood the impulse to homeschool- until now. My 6 year old daughter has had similar issues on the bus with two neighbor girls who are a year older. I agree that there is something intrinsically difficult about 3 girls together. The impulse to exclude seems just too strong.
I have had the same EXACT conversation with my daughter and yet the social games that girls play march on. I pray for us all!
I think you handled it perfectly- acknowledging her hurt feelings, while also trying to explain the “why” of the circumstances. The “why” having nothing to do with her, or really even the other girls, but rather a desire to exercise what they see on tv or perceive as “cool” or even what they think being a little girl is all about. As painful as it is for her, we’ve all been through it!
I think the trick really is to keep her engaged in female circles and to keep faith in female friends. We all know women who “don’t have female friends” or “are only friends with men to avoid drama”…I always feel bad for these women. Clearly the were victimized or were perhaps the perpetrator in the developmental stages of female friendships.
As for the future, I think my Mom handled this really well- she always emphasized the importance of female relationships, and modeled that to me and my sister by having numerous female friends and showing us how good friends can be to one another. She never said a bad word about any friends, and never asked us about our friends in a competitive or judgmental manner (like for example, “where did Susie get into college?” or “Does Mary have a date to the prom yet?”) Our conversations about other women, and ourselves, always revolved around supporting one another with understanding, empathy and compassion. She also was as safe place to land when feelings got hurt and exclusion at school inevitably happened. I’m sure you do the same for your daughter, and it will surely make a lasting impact, trust me!
Inevitably there are common threads of struggle that are woven onto the human existence…when I say struggle I am speaking of ways we misbehave. As defensive creatures we want to make an excuse for our misdeeds. For example if we are excessively grumpy or feeling overwhelmed with self pity we say…”it’s pms” if our 15 year old is being disrespectful we say…”it’s just what teens do” if a boy is being rude and sloppy we say “boys will be boys” and if girls are being mean and exclusive we say “that’s just adolescent girls”…I truly believe it is a mistake to make excuses and allow bad behavior. We need to expect kindness from our kids. We need to teach it like we teach brushing teeth…to the point that it becomes habit…..realizing that they will encounter
mean behavior…in others and in themselves…but if they have been taught correctly they will be prepared to forgive and ask forgiveness.
I have a question about how to combat this in my own house. My daughter picked up the whole “you are not my friend anymore” phrase in her daycare. SHE HAS JUST TURNED 3! (Side note – for many other reasons, I have since moved her daycare.)
I am looking for advice on how to constructively tell her that this is not the right approach. I’ve tried some ways in the past, but have not had any luck.
Any suggestions?
Sadly this kind of thing happens in homeschooling too. Only it is more harmful there as homeschooled social groups are smaller, so if girls are mean and exclusitory then the victim is severely isolated. And somehow one expects better behaviour from homeschooled children, because their parents are so involved, so it makes you look twice at the whole family. (Which probably isn’t fair – but when you see a bunch of girls being mean to one, excluding her, mocking her, and the parents are sitting on the sidelines the whole time, you can’t help but think they think such behaviour is fine.)
Ironically, we have experienced such behaviour to the point where I’m seriously thinking about public school!
Teaching empathy is the best solution.
Unfortunately, I do think it’s normal, although I also think that doing everything possible to discourage it is worthwhile. I think that women, well, females, see themselves much more in relationship with each other than men do, so this jockeying for “position” is just a part of it. I also think that talking about how it hurts when it’s done to you helps keep you from doing it unto others; at least I hope so.
I have joked often that it’s unfortunate that we all still act like we’re all still in competition for the man who’s going to drag the most meat back to the cave, but I wonder if it’s less a joke than it should be.
I was the victim of that type of behavior as a kid. If you’re even the least bit different, don’t wear the same clothes, hairstyle, makeup, etc., you’re a social pariah.
On your story, I ask where are the other girls’ parents? Didn’t they notice this behavior as well? Did they do anything to correct it? I understand that parents can not always be to blame, but did they talk to the other girls about including everyone, and on such a short trip there are no favorites. You play with all, or by yourself. I read some of the comments above, and I too have a 4 year old daughter that has a leader personality. She gets some of the girls in her day care to pretty much follow her around and tells them what to do. There was an incident a few months ago, where she was purposefully mean to a little girl that was supposed to be her best friend. She got two of the other girls to be mean to her too. I was shocked, but I nipped it in the bud. I explained to her that you have to be nice. What if the other girls did that to you, how would you feel? And that you don’t have favorites at school. All the kids at school are your friends. You might be closer to one or two than others, but you are not to be mean to anyone. We also explained to the teacher that the behavior is not acceptable, and to let us know right away if they see this again. It hasn’t happened, and she is back being friends with the little girl again. I guess what I am saying, the parents need to get involved that no matter what, the kids should NOT be taught it’s OK to exclude. And teacher her self esteem is super important not to require the validation of the other girls. But in the case of my daughter: self esteem, not that she is the best thing since slice bread.
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I’ve seen this behavior my entire life. I’ve been the mean girl and I’ve been the victim. It disheartens me to see our sex treat each other this way. I think the behavior is going to rear it’s head at a young age in little girls, just like when little boys shove or use physical prowess in the sand box (although little girls do this too). However, I think the way parents react to physical bullying as opposed to the emotional bullying is the key here. If we treated this ugly behavior with the same consequences at an early age as the physical bullying, I think we would see much less of this behavior.
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