Hi, I’m Samantha Bee. You may know me from “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart” , a television show that makes me seem a lot smarter than I actually am. I also made three whole children inside my body and issued them forth, like millions of women before me.
And I’m Allana Harkin. You may know me from the popular Nick Jr. show, “Dino Dan” where I can often be seen in various shades of blue clothing and telling my TV children to be careful. I like millions before me, have also created two wonderful offspring.
The difference is, we’re doing it right*.
(*ed. note: blatantly untrue.)
We know each other from Canada. The country that sits on top of the United States, like a snow hat you forgot existed but sometimes find at the back of the closet. Sam moved to Manhattan, but Allana keeps her updated on random Anne Murray sightings and how the elk and stuff are doing. Our mutual love of working for free brought us together years ago to perform, mostly for the benefit of our parents, on Toronto’s vomit and urine encrusted comedy stages. We have decided to write a blog together because a) it is a natural extension of our impulse to talk on the phone while hiding in the bathroom, away from our children, and b) life, once again, is about vomit and urine.
And since we have accumulated five children five and under, we needed a safe place to go that reminds us that this time in our life is survivable.
The rules of this blog are as follows:
Sometimes Samantha will post, sometimes Allana will post, and sometimes we will post together.
Since Samantha has one child more than Allana, naturally she will hold sway in most major blog related decisions, such as: “Helvetica: Friend or Foe?” and “Should I be ashamed of these harem pants? I think they might make me write better.”
Samantha does however, have additional help for her baby, whereas Allana does not. Allana, therefore, has to do all posting between the hours of 2am and 6am like a vampire, while Sam restfully sleeps under her Egyptian eco-organic 900 thread count duvet until 9am while her staff prepares a cool cucumber mask to whisk away any trace of under eye circles. Allana is not bitter, she would just like you to know that this more than makes up for the fact that she has one less child to look after.
One might ask “why take up blogging now? Aren’t my inter-tubes already clogged with more useless parenting advice than I can possibly handle?” Well, for your information, not only will there be no actual advice, but Babble is paying us over ten billion dollars* for our random musings. In fact, they are happy to do it, and informed us that by 2013, we will own the Babble brand, and can do anything we want with it, including one day, turning it into a chain of childrens tanning salons*.
(*ed. note: absolutely not)
(*ed. note: wtf?)
And yes, we do realize that in thirteen years our children will read these posts. We’re planning on it. In fact when they start complaining that life isn’t fair we can respond, “Oh really? Go read the post dated September 5th 2011 and then come talk to me about fair.”
And of course, when all else fails, always know that most of our posts will have been subcontracted to this guy anyway:
Can you really blames us? He’s got way more spare time than we do.