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Samantha Bee is a Correspondent on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart. Her writing has appeared in Chatelaine Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, and she is the author of I Know I Am, But What Are You. Her body of work is best characterized as "unserious."

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The Big Wean

By Samantha Bee |

Boobs, you've earned it.

 

Well, it’s happening. I am finally weaning the last child to have exited my body, and big things are happening! And by “big things” of course I mean, ‘I think I might be going crazy’, ‘how can that little tiny thing that just happened have made me so furious that I wanted to kick a tree’, and ‘I think I might be sweating milk.’

I mean, it’s good, it’s good—it needs to happen, and it has been a long time coming, but it is throwing me for an emotional loop that was deeper and more complex than I expected.

I get that there is a hormonal change going on, and please believe me when I say that my husband is also really enjoying this part of the whole thing.

Me: (slowly loading the dishwasher with tears streaming down my face)

Him: Oh my God, are you OK?

Me: (thousand yard stare) Things are so impermanent.

Him: (backs slowly out of the room)

But I actually think that the worst part of weaning your youngest child, when you know for sure that you are done having children, is the feeling that you are now old. That your children have all officially become “children,” not “babies,” and also that you are now old. Did I say that clearly enough? Old. You (by which I mean me) are an Old Oldie from Oldsville. Welcome to Egg-Salad Town. Hope you like doing puzzles, and hiking your comfort-waist pants up to nipple height.

So anyway, I forgot about this whole part. The part about how things change and life goes forward, and babies and children can’t be preserved forever in shadowboxes like exotic butterflies and tarantulas and the like.

And so, since even just writing that last part down I started to cry again, I should really try to lighten the mood a bit. I’d like to dedicate the last part of this post to thanking my boobs for all that they have accomplished.

Girls, I love you. You have done your job admirably. After a rocky start with the first child, you really summoned the inner fortitude to feed not one, but two additional children, working non-stop for almost six years now. And so, you are officially retired. Thanks you for your service and dedication. I bought you a gold watch. (I didn’t. Those are the hormones talking.)

Now you may go back to whatever it was that you did before the children were born; by which I mean, you may return to your duties as the sex objects that God intended you to be.

Ha.

 

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Check out other posts by  Sam:

The Gift of Boredom

In Which I Discuss Moving To The Suburbs

In Which Allana’s Boob Is Grazed By Oprah

 

 

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About Samantha Bee

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Samantha Bee

Samantha Bee is a Correspondent on The Daily Show With Jon Stewart. Her writing has appeared in Chatelaine Magazine, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, and she is the author of I Know I Am, But What Are You. Her body of work is best characterized as "unserious." Read bio and latest posts → Read Samantha's latest posts →

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15 thoughts on “The Big Wean

  1. Korinthia Klein says:

    Oh, that’s so hard. I nursed my youngest much longer than I expected to partly because I was so reluctant for it to end. And I cried. And I miss it. But there is so much wonderful stuff at every new stage that I wouldn’t go back at this point either.
    /
    Congratulations on your breasts getting a gold watch. (I’m impressed they can tell time.)
    /
    http://the-quiet-corner.blogspot.com/

  2. James says:

    On behalf of your husband I too would like to thank your boobs for their years of service. I (and by I, I really mean he) would like to finance a trip to Victoria’s Secret as a reward and a hastening of the return to sexual objectivity.

  3. Daddy Dearest says:

    Wait. Since when are nursing boobs not objects of sexual objectivity?

  4. Tara says:

    Sigh. Good luck Sam’s boobies, may this next phase of your career see you raised to new heights ( maybe back to where you started). Enjoy your retirement, and your new living arrangements. Maybe something without a convertible front.

  5. Emma Norman says:

    Oh poor Sam – there is a genuine link between weaning and depression for some women. Joanne Goddard in her blog ‘Cup of Truth’ tells of her deep and unexpected depression following weaning her son:
    http://joannagoddard.blogspot.com.au/2012/02/motherhood-depression-and-weaning.html
    Keep your chin (and your boobs) up.

  6. Karen says:

    I’m in the process of weaning my youngest and last. She’s 13 months old and we’re down to nursing at bedtime. Part of me can’t wait for it to be DONE and the other part thinks, well, just one more night. Now that I’m not tied to the pump at work I’m enjoying nursing a lot more. I do know my husband is anxious for the bra refitting session and subsequent trip to the Lingerie Factory (and quite honestly, I’m looking forward to that, too).

  7. Kim says:

    You are hilarious!! Even when discussing a difficult subject like this one. And thank you for recognizing that, above all, your boobs deserve praise and respect for all they’ve done–we all need to remember this!

  8. niki_in_france says:

    This exact same thing happened to me! I have been old for over 2 years now. It’s not as bad as I expected. Plus my youngest (almost 4) is so amazingly cute and cuddly, that I still feel she is my baby.

  9. amy says:

    im 31 and i have no children, im not sure mine have been put into retirement before their entitled job was to occur. Sigh. No biggy though, im getting my education out of the way first. That is my plan, get my degree, job, boyfriend, marrage and then baby. Only time will tell.

  10. Casey says:

    I miss it too. I nursed my daughter til she was almost 2 and 1/2. I tried weaning at 18 months and she was not having it and I didn’t mind. I enjoyed breastfeeding so it didn’t hurt my feelings at all. Honestly I hope she’s not my only child. I’d hate to think I’ll never experience that again. I’m only 30 so I’ve got a few more child bearing years left. =)

  11. Carmen says:

    It’s tough. I thought I was hiding it well until my husband sat me down and essentially said “your daughter still needs you” even if it wasn’t in the same way. And he was right.

  12. Amy says:

    I love this. I was such a wreck weaning my first baby…I hadn’t even thought about what it would feel like with the last baby. Oh no!

    http://www.carriagebeforemarriage.com/2012/04/16/the-heartbreak-of-weaning/

  13. Jennifer says:

    I grieved when my fourth child weaned himself and I, too, felt “old”. In one way, it was a bit of a relief, because he had decided at around 9 months that he would only nurse from the left breast from there on out and vigorously resisted any effort on my part to switch him to the right side. This resulted in one big nursing boob and one slightly saggy no-longer-nursing boob for the next seven months until he decided to be done with the left breast as well. The weird thing that nobody warned me about is that although I suppose technically my milk “dried up” after a few days, I continued to ooze a small amount, especially in the shower, from BOTH boobs (including the poor rejected right boob) for nearly a year afterwards. Gross but true.

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