The Tooth Fairy gets no respect in my house, and it’s all my fault.
You see, perpetuating the myth of Santa Claus wipes out my capacity for wizardry and happy dust at all other times of the year. I love it, I mean, no regrets—I just don’t have the mental energy to take on the Tooth Fairy and make her magical and super special too. Plus, in a household with three kids, the stupid Tooth Fairy comes like sixty million times. By tooth number four, you’re lucky if you score a quarter and two nickels in a used sandwich bag. It’s not even under the pillow. It fell on the floor. The Tooth Fairy is tired, ok?
Actually, the Tooth Fairy is me.
I don’t mean ME me. I mean, when my kids ask questions about her, and I am describing the Tooth Fairy, all I do is basically describe myself. There’s very little in the way of invention, but it’s all so much easier to remember! Which is key.
It seems to satisfy them, but doesn’t particularly captivate their imaginations. Fun, right?
Here are some things you need to know about my Tooth Fairy:
She works hard. Like, really hard. She has TON of kids to get to, so yes, sometimes she seems to be emptying out the loose change at the bottom of her purse instead of doing something more gauzy and magical, OK? Sometimes there is purse lint on the money. Sometimes she even forgets to come. It doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you in her Tooth Fairy way—The Tooth Fairy LOVES YOU–it just means she probably got stuck overnight in Binghamton or something. It happens. I swear to God just leave that tooth under the pillow for one more night and watch what happens.
Santa has a lot of helpers—he has a whole team of elves for God sakes. I mean, it’s not like the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have help or anything, just not nearly at the same level Santa does. Come on—he rides around in a magical sleigh! The Tooth Fairy takes the subway. If she’s really pressed for time she’ll take a taxi but that doesn’t always guarantee she’ll get there any faster, especially in New York.
She comes at night because she has a day job. That’s life. Most people have to work. How else could she afford a decent apartment and a couple of vacations every year if she didn’t? Plus, she has kids of her own, so sometimes things get away from her. SHE ALWAYS TRIES HER BEST.
Also, she doesn’t really fly. She’s very intuitive, and that’s what technically makes her “fairy-like,” but no, she’s not really magical, and there’s more than one like her. They work regionally, like Encyclopedia Britannica sales people and their territories are pretty huge, so don’t worry about it—she’ll get to you—cut her some slack. Again, SHE CHERISHES YOU.
I let her in when she comes. I had a key cut for her so I don’t have to wake up, but she’ll give it back when all of you have lost your baby teeth. And don’t worry, she won’t get confused if we ever move—we keep in touch via email and text message. Mommy and the Tooth Fairy are friends, OK, let’s leave it at that, next question. We met in college. Also, go to college.
No, we don’t have to make her cookies and leave them out—she eats a very healthy diet and her teeth are always freshly brushed. Plus, she gets it; families don’t always have time to whip up batches of baked goods etc—I appreciate that she keeps her expectations in check. Because…um…she doesn’t want to stress you guys out?
And no, she doesn’t ever leave gifts. She’s not organized enough to pull that together because really, who is? Oh–what’s that you say? Lots of people? Well, good for them…good for them. *stares out into the distance*
And Facebook…like us there. Please like us?
Check out our pals from Babble Voices on – Facebook!
Check out other posts by Sam and Allana: