Many of you might have been in Girl Scouts, or have daughters who are in Girl Scouts. You probably love them.
You’re clearly insane.
First, Girl Scouts are always wearing neckerchiefs. Neckerchiefs. Sure, they call them scarves, but that doesn’t really make it any better. If you’re going to wear a scarf, it had better be freezing outside. You can’t trust people who wear scarves for no reason.
Second, Girl Scouts are trained in the ways of the forest. You know who else is trained in the ways of the forest? Bears. Bears, people.
Third, Girl Scouts are always acquiring pins and badges. You know who else is obsessed with pins and badges? Bloggers. I’ve long said, you can’t trust anything a blogger says or does, and if the Girl Scouts are like bloggers in any way it’s time for us to take them down. Bloggers are the worst.
Fourth, Girl Scouts are polite. They’re polite, like, all the time. If someone is that polite, all the time, they’re probably an alien trying to blend in so they can prepare for the impending invasion of our planet.
Fifth, and finally, Girl Scouts are liars. No one has ever gotten thin from eating their Thin Mints. They should call them “Totally Fat Mints”. But they wouldn’t, because they’re overly-polite lying alien bear bloggers.
Watch out for the Girl Scouts.
Update Because Covert Girl Scout Agents Have Been Spreading More Lies About Them Not Wearing Scarves:
As I suspected, the Girl Scouts have marshaled their forces to engage in a campaign of misinformation: “We don’t wear scarves,” they protest. Well, what would a sinister group of scarf-wearers want you to think? That they don’t wear scarves. And what would they say to get you to think that? That they don’t wear scarves. They would also erase all evidence of scarf wearing from the official uniform.
Clever. Very clever, Girl Scouts. But I’m still on to you. If you don’t wear scarves, then why do you need all of these scarf slides?
I think I can rest my case.
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