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Sh*t My Kids Say

I know, I’m totally jumping on the sh*t-people-say bandwagon. But not exactly. Because this isn’t sh*t kids in general say. This is sh*t my kids say. And it’s probably entirely different from the sh*t your kids say. But perhaps you’ll find some similarities…

1. I made number 2!!! (Speaking of sh*t….) For some reason my girls feel compelled to announce when they do their business. I guess it’s a legacy from when our hygienic assistance was required. These days we leave them to their own devices, for the most part (with varying results) but they can’t kick the habit of telling us what they’re up to. Or maybe they just like saying it. Which is fine. I just wish they wouldn’t do it in public bathrooms.

2. Bresek. Instead of “breakfast.” It’s one of those little lingering mispronunciations of toddlerhood–along with “hostible” for “hospital,” “Valemtime’s Day” and a handful of others — that I can’t bring myself to correct, because they’re so durn cute. And because pretty soon they’ll start saying “breakfast” the right way, and next thing I know they’ll be driving and then moving out and having children of their own and then I’ll be dead. You know?

3. “Hear this.” Instead of “listen to this.” See above (me / death) for why I cherish this. But I also like the old timey, town crier feel of it. “Now hear this, good people! I shall tell thee a knock-knock joke about underwear that I just made up! And then I shall go number 2!”

4. “You interrupted me!” At least five times a day we have to help referee incidents and allegations of interruption between the girls. It’s a constant contest to see who can get mom or dad’s ear (hear this!) and neither of the girls has the patience to wait until the other one is finished talking. (Ah, the fun of twins.) We’ve tried to teach them to work it out on their own, but usually it just turns into one of them yelling “You interrupted me!” (or, more accurately, “interumpted”) and the other one talking louder in an attempt to drown her out, and then the other one going “aaaaaah!!!” and the other one going “aaaaahh!!” louder at the same time, and me walking out of the room.

5. Mama? Mama? Um, Mama? Do your kids do this? They just say “mama” (or whatever they call you) over and over, even after you say, “yes?” or “what?” before getting around to what they actually have to say? Which usually, it seems, they haven’t fully articulated to themselves yet, or even decided on? It drives me bonkers. But when I stop and think about it, I do appreciate the fact that 1.) They still call me “mama” or “mommy,” as opposed to “Mom,” (they’re still little kids! I’m not too too close to death!) and 2.) They just really, really want to talk to me and know that I’m listening. So the sh*t they actually say is more or less incidental.

What’s your favorite (or least favorite) sh*t your kids say? Or, on a completely different note, what’s your favorite “Sh*t people say” video? I adore Sh*t Book Reviewers Say and Sh*t Boston Guys Say.

Finally, are you offended by my repeated use of sh*t? I hope not.

DOUBLE TIME, my memoir of parenting twins and battling depression (among other things) is now available for pre-order!

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