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Smurf You

A couple of months ago I got invited to a preview of The Smurfs down in L.A. at Sony Animation, and I declined. I thought, “Good lord, I’m not driving two hours to eat blue nachos with Hank Azaria.” I know, I’m an idiot for passing up that opportunity, but I also know that once Hank and I met there’d be rainbows and ponies all over the place and I’d have to leave my husband and move to Hawaii with Hank, and frankly I just didn’t feel like destroying my marriage this summer. Plus, all the packing.

Ultimately, I ended up seeing The Smurfs with my lovely son, Jackson, who’s ten. You probably saw it with your kid(s), too, but in case you haven’t had the chance, or were waiting for it to come out on DVD so you could get some housework done while your child(ren) were occupied with All Things Blue, here’s a quick recap so you won’t be left out of any vital playground Smurf discussions.


Papa Smurf: “It’s time for the Blue Moon Festival, when the Smurfs come together and celebrate all things blue.”

Vanity Smurf: “Well, I’M blue, so I’m going to celebrate myself!”

Grouchy Smurf: “Does that mean I can finally scrape this pink insect off my face?”

Papa Smurf: “No, Grouchy, it’s your trademark. All Smurf characters need to be easily identifiable by a prop they’re associated with.”

Grouchy: “So crossing my arms and frowning isn’t Grouchy enough?”

Papa: “No, you could easily be mistaken for Constipated Smurf.”

Grouchy: “Are you kidding me? Nobody’s seen Constipated for forty years, he never gets off his blue toilet.”

Papa: “The butterfly stays, Grouchy. Deal with it.”

Vanity: “Never mind about Constipated, where are all the other Smurfs?”

Grouchy: “Someone was too cheap to invest in more action figures for her first Babble post.”

Vanity: “But the entire plot pivots on Clumsy Smurf having a lot of well-timed accidents.”

Grouchy: “It doesn’t matter. Whoever came home in a Happy Meal has to do this low-budget reenactment.”

Papa: “Oh, no! I’m having a vision! I see the evil wizard Gargamel and he’s going to capture dozens of Smurfs and imprison them in cages.”

Vanity: “So tiresome.”

Grouchy: “What a Smurfhole.”

Papa: “Everybody follow me!”

Papa: “A vortex has opened up between our world and another world. Jump in!”

Grouchy: “No way, not if Constipated Smurf went first.”

Grouchy: “Where the f*&#ing Smurf are we?”

Papa: “Grouchy, don’t say f*&#ing, say Smurfing. Where the Smurfing Smurf are we? This needs to be rated PG.”

Grouchy: “ARGH WHY DOES MY CHARACTER EVEN EXIST?”

Vanity: “Everything you do just makes me look better, hot stuff.”

Grouchy: “Hot stuff? Are you flirting with me?”

Vanity: “God, why does everyone assume that? I’m not gay, I just have this mysteriously British accent.”

Grouchy: “Well, I’m vaguely Latino and we do live in an all-male, work-based environment. It’s plausible that an average amount of Smurfs would be . . . you know . . . Smurfosexual.”

Grace Winslow: “Look at the little blue people in our kitchen! Instead of questioning how they got here, let’s use them as proxy children to test your willingness to become a father.”

Patrick Winslow: “How much love do you think I have to give? Seriously, even now it’s hard for me to choose between you and the dog.”

Grace: “Well, too bad, because I’m super pregnant and I think you spend too much time focused on work.”

Patrick: “Of course I do, I’m a soulless executive! But if one of you blue guys knows how to make a martini, I’ll let you destroy the ad campaign I’m working on.”

Papa: “We’ll destroy your whole career if you promise to realize that there’s an occult bookstore nearby that we can also destroy.”

Patrick: “Great!”

Papa: “This is indeed a mysterious bookstore full of esoteric knowledge.”

Grouchy: “I know, right? Remember when Spy was funny?”

Gargamel: “Surprise! It’s me! I’m now going to capture you and steal your essence.”

Papa: “With a dental tool?”

Gargamel: “It’s a wand! It’s a magic, magic wand! Never mind, you wouldn’t understand.”

Papa: “I think I would, I’m a renowned potions master and spell historian, as you know. I’ve undone some of your most evil magic. I made Smurfette into someone who’s actually pleasant to be around.”

Gargamel: “Where is Smurfette, by the way?”

Papa: “Toys R Us was sold out.”

Gargamel: “You didn’t try Target?”

Papa: “Target and K-Mart, too. Nothing.”

Gargamel: “Well, it doesn’t matter, all she did was brush her long blond hair and make all the other Smurfs compete for her attention.”

Papa: “Even the Smurfosexuals, oddly.”

Gargamel: “What were we talking about again?”

Gargamel: “Now I remember! I’m going to extract your Smurf essence to fuel my magic wand, and then I’ll be able to do anything!”

Papa: “Too bad the poverty of your imagination will never allow you to do anything more interesting than reverse the aging process of a cosmetics executive’s mother.”

Gargamel: “Well, but that’s pretty good, right?”

Papa: “If you’re stuck on the whole aging thing, sure. But why not support the aging process, rather than fight it?”

Gargamel: “What world are you living in, Shorty? Now get in there and let me figure out how to work the Popcorn setting on this thing.”

Grouchy: “There’s way too much action at this point in the story for us to even try to reenact it.”

Gargamel: “I know, seriously.”

Vanity: “So what happens now?”

Gargamel: “You guys defeat me and I end up in a pile of trash bags filled with clean white paper.”

Vanity: “Typical.”

Grouchy: “I guess we could knock you around a little? I got nothing but time since my talk show got cancelled.”

Patrick: “You have saved my career by turning the moon blue and I have helped you defeat Gargamel. In my book, that makes us even.”

Papa: “Thank you, Patrick! You have remained steadfast and humorless throughout the chaos we have rained upon your life. You are totally ready for parenthood.”

Patrick: “Kill me now.”

Grace: “I had my baby! It’s a boy so let’s name him something cool and retro. Whenever I’m in a quandary I always like to ask myself, What Would Seventies-Era Cher Do? . . .”

Patrick: “Uh oh.”

Grace: “. . . and Cher would name our baby Blue.”

Patrick: “And I’m out of here. Will someone mail my check to me?”

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