More Parenting Advice That Can Suck It
The more I thought about the last article I wrote about bad parenting advice, the more bad parenting advice I thought of. It’s a vicious cycle so let me get a few of these off my chest and then we’ll move on to more positive posts. Oh who am I kidding?
Sleep when the baby sleeps – First of all, not everyone is such a Serta’s Perfect Sleeper that the second their infant is down they can just turn off their brain and nap it out. At least not me. Of course my husband could grab a catnap in the middle of an orgy so I guess we’re all different. But the bigger reason that I find this advice to be bunk is if you’re sleeping when the baby’s sleeping and you’re awake when the baby’s awake, when the hell do you have a moment to do what you want to do? Once my oldest started sleeping through the night, my husband and I stayed up all night a few times watching a marathon of Paradise Hotel. Yeah, we were TiVoing that shit. Sure I was exhausted, but I was also entertained and extra bonded with my husband. And that’s what I remember as a good time.
Seriously, this guy loves a nap more than Garfield.
Crib bumpers are dangerous – Here’s some advice that on the surface makes it seem like you are a reckless parent who’s just asking for your kid to suffocate if you don’t follow it. And I was just the sort of neurotic, hot mess of a new mom to fall for it. In fact, I took my bedding set off my registry because I knew I couldn’t use the crib bumpers or the blanket and since I didn’t know what the hell a valance was I figured I didn’t need any of it. My daughter slept in an empty crib and I felt smug and superior to all those negligent “bumper parents” until the night I heard blood curdling screaming, ran into my daughter’s room and found her arm stuck through the slats of her crib. It took me five minutes to dislodge it and five hours to calm down. The next night she had a fully pimped out crib. If it makes you really paranoid get the mesh ones but seriously, get them.
No TV before your kid is two – I’m sorry but this is only realistic if you live on an herb farm on a compound in Oregon where the only form of entertainment in a five mile radius is a yearly pioneer festival. What I’m saying is…come on! Let’s live in the real world. We all know those annoying people who will turn their infant around if they come in your house and the TV is on. Listen, a couple of minutes of Caillou Is a lot more damaging to my brain than to your precious two-month-old. Why don’t you worry about my development for a change? And all those reports that too much TV will cause ADD is absolutely ridiculous. I watched a ton of TV as a kid and…hey I smell cookies!
If You’re experiencing postpartum depression, or having a hard time adjusting to new motherhood you’re somehow “missing it.” – This “advice” should come with a mandatory prison term for the giver. Just because you’re not necessarily enjoying every minute of new motherhood does not mean you are missing anything. In fact, it may seem to last a hell of a lot longer than for the moms that breeze right through it with nary a Zoloft. Listen, most of the people who dole out these type of nuggets usually experienced motherhood at least forty years ago and have forgotten what it was like anyway. As long as you take tons of pictures, at some point you too will look back fondly having forgotten all about the sleepless nights, colic and postpartum depression. You know, when your kid is six. Or sixty.
On a crunchy parenting listserv I used to subscribe to moms would every now and then whine about how hard it was to entertain kids without a TV, you know, because they were so damn crunchy they didn’t have a TV or if they did it was only to watch Great Performances and BBC World News. One day I lost my mind over the TV scorn (you know, during one of those moments when I wasn’t loving every minute of new motherhood) and wrote in something along the lines of “go get a goddamned TV or STFU.” I can’t imagine not being able to plop my kids in front of the TV every now and then (by which I mean daily). How would I ever brush my teeth or get sunscreen on them?
I love the crunchy JJ vs. the totally modern JJ duking it out. It makes me laugh to know we all struggle with these same issues!
I love this. Since I’m currently totally sleep-deprived and “should” be sleeping because my baby is sleeping. But if I did that, I would cat nap 24 hours a day for 15 minutes at a time. SO REFRESHING.
You rock my never-sleeping socks.
Up until last year, I was raising my son solo. I don’t know what I would have done if I tried to follow all of these rules. I had to use the TV as a babysitter sometimes or I would have gone insane!
Yeah, the sleep thing is spot on…literally, I have said those same words over & over again(usually while balling histerically on the phone to my husband when he’s out of town on business).
Yes, the sleep thing is a real devil. You can’t win no matter what you do. I think I should do a whole article on sleep experts who make us crazy!
Rita, I too have cried hysterically to the husband when he’s gone on business. They feel so helpless right?
Jamie, I worship you doing it alone. I don’t know how that would work with twins and another one but I don’t want to know.
Heather, you poor poor baby. This too shall pass. But why do we have more than one again?
I love this while article but especially the Paradise Hotel part. My Hubby and I were totally addicted to that show too! Don’t you love a man that will watch trashy tv with you?
Such words of wisdom – from you! Your books made me feel “normal” for the first time after I gave birth to my son — all the other books left me crazed. Your books and blogs should be mandatory reading for all moms! YOU ROCK (thank you)!!!
I have to respectfully disagree with the sleep one. The truth is that PPD is tied to chronic sleeplessness and sleeplessness exacerbates feelings of depression. While it is impossible to immediately fall asleep at the exact moment as your little one, spending the first couple of months letting your body heal and your hormones normalize while getting extra rest is crucial and good advice. Instead of worrying about laundry, cleaning, errands, etc., take a month, at least, to sleep, rest, relax, if you are fortunate enough to have helpers to do the grunt work. You have years ahead of you to do mommy stuff but PPD can last long after your baby is sleeping through the night.
LOL … re: “missing it” I honestly just tell people when they ask … the first 6 weeks suck! I cried A LOT when I got pregnant with #4. I couldn’t wrap my head around another baby, the first 6 weeks and OMG I’m going to have to do the year of 3 again. 3 sucks. I’ll take 100 2 year olds to one 3 year old any day of the week.
with all 4 kids, I slept when the kids slept, especially after #3 – goodness, I didn’t think that boy would ever sleep for more than an hour (and he didn’t until he was 4 months old) #4 comes along and sleeps through the night on Monday night (she was born on Friday) I did a dream feed at 11 and she slept til 430 … I almost flipped out when I woke up in some serious boob pain. She slept like that until she was 10 months old.
you crack me up on the bumpers… even WITH bumpers, we had a nap time leg catastrophe (one in which my now ex thought it was ok to ignore his cries for 15 minutes before he went to check on him >:o/ )
This the best post…I really relate to the TV business. While I don’t think that I want my kid to watch TV all day, I feel like her daily dose of Sesame Street does her and her parents good. Her favorite part is Elmo but I really enjoy that I get some stuff done in the morning and get to chuckle at the references that only adults would understand. Will she be scarred for life because of this? I doubt it. Do I let her watch ‘The Real Housewives’ or ‘Celebrity Apprentice’? No, we save that shit for us adults! Ha.