Have You Gone To the Parenting Dark Side?
It’s perfectly acceptable to own your identity as a parent. You take it seriously; there’s no harm in that. So what if you bought fourteen pregnancy and new mommy books before you even gave birth? It’s called enthusiasm! You only want to be the best mom you can be and if that means giving up late nights at da club, your penchant for expensive leather miniskirts and the ability to drive a two-seater convertible, you’re okay with that. Sure, there was a time when the only reason you’d be walking around during the day in old yoga pants was because you were going to yoga. But hey, yoga pants are super comfy and they are the only thing that fit you right now.
I get it. Trust me. I live it. Times have changed and you have changed with them and that’s okay!
But there’s a fine line between embracing your role as a parent and skipping your ass right over to the dark side, as if the old you (who once laughed in the face of magazines’ Cute Baby Contests and never thought about nursery “themes”) never existed. The following warning signs can help you see if you’ve completely lost any remnants of the old you. If so, it might be time for a good old fashioned night on the town raising hell. Just make sure you’re home by ten because oh God, six a.m. comes so damn early.
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Do you carry a diaper bag as a purse even when unaccompanied by anyone in need of a diaper?
It's definitely a fashion statement but maybe not the one you want to make.
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Do you have a favorite Wiggle?
Yeah, I know which one. Me, too.
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Is your toilet seat lid child-proofed?
If it's in the bathroom guests use FYI, it's very annoying.
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Have you used the phrase “I have to go pee pee” while out for martinis?
This is typical with mommies and preschool teachers alike. But single mommies? You aren't going to pull any tail like that.
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When you hear a baby cry do you automatically start lactating, even though you haven’t breastfed in years?
Nuff said.
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Is there a toddler’s voice giving the outgoing greeting on your voicemail?
Your toddler is not getting any calls. Can't we have a little grown-up time when we call you to leave a message?
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Is your idea of a good time watching a parade?
This might just be me. I don't like them.
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Do you drive a minivan when you only have one child?
Listen, I know those sliding doors are sweet but you don't have to do it! You can't possibly have enough soccer gear to fill up that space. Go get a compact and take the extra money you'll save on gas and go to a fancy schmancy dinner. You only have one kid! You can afford a sitter.
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Uhhh, the whole going pee pee thing, that *might* be me. I’m going to use it as an excuse to go out and raise hell for a night!
Whew! I was able to answer NO to all! Maybe I’d've said YES to the parade one a few years back when it was fun to take a kid to one, but after 8 years of being a parent, I’m done with enjoying them! And…in an age when a family in Thailand can fit a family of 6 on the back of a moped, I could never ever rationalize buying a minivan for my one kid.
The minivan… We have a dog too (does that help my case?!) Too many 8+hr trips to go visit family in Ohio trying to cram into a Jeep Liberty! My stipulation on crossing over: Had to be black with tinted out windows so no one can see me or they think I’m with the Secret Service ;)
There is hope…. I’d forgotten about the Wiggles, but I did used to look forward to watching them when the kids were little!
Anthony, right?
I rule! No, no, nope not me!
Yet.
He’s not even 6-months-old.
Dammit.
my answer is no to all of them and the only reason i have a mini van is because i have four kids 6 and under
Yay I said no to all of them! well we do have a minivan but three kids and a large dog I kinda needed it
I have never, ever told anyone I needed to pee-pee. I merely told several ladies I barely knew that I needed to potty….close enough to earn a night out, I think!
Just 1 maybe and no to the rest even with 4. The only maybe depending on what year it was, if I was out with the girls and how many Martinis were involved. Not a regular habit though.
I don’t say “I have to go pee-pee” but occasionally I will say “potty”. Wiggles, psh of course! My little brother is only 12, so they were hawt back when he was a baby and watching them which meant that I -had- to watch them too. Daddy issues maybe, Idk. I hated my diaper bag, otherwise I probably would still be toting it around. If it counts, the bag (tote… bag) that I carry around is just as bulky. Whenever I hear a baby crying or a kid shouting “Mom!” I don’t lactate (lol) because I never breastfed, unfortunately, but I do feel instantly on-edge like, “I should go tend to that”. And as for the toilet-thing, I had no idea those even existed. Maybe that makes me a terrible mom. lol.
V_T…
I’ve seen entire families do that in India. I’ve also seen said mopeds wipe out without anyone helping them and instead driving around them while honking at them. It’s not surprising the country leads the world in traffic fatalities. I’m nervous about taking the kids to India for that reason. I feel much safer with them in my minivan.
I only have 2 kids and I have a minivan. I feel guilty about having an IUD when I look in the rearview mirror and see that three more kids could fit back there. OK, four kids, but I prefer the middle seat taken out.
Too funny! I only say yes to one of them–the toilet lock. I also think it is annoying, and we never had one with our first two kids, but my third was constantly splashing in the toilet and throwing things in. And yes, it is the one guests use, but we only have one bathroom, so…too bad.
I said yes to several of them. However, have you ever been to a parade in New Orleans? A great time, I promise.
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Thank goodness! I only answered yes to 1 1/2. But I do like parades! Even without a kid. And I didn’t say “pee pee” while out for martinis, but I may have said “potty” while out for margaritas :)