5 Topics I’m Not Ready To Discuss With My Child
The other day my seven-year-old asked me which I thought was worse for you: smoking cigarettes or eating drugs. I almost laughed out loud but I stopped myself and only allowed a giggle because my girl was dead serious. I had to think about what she was asking. She knows cigarettes are horrible habit and extremely bad for your health. When she sees someone smoking a cigarette she’s quick to point it out to me. “Ewww, look mom! That guy’s smoking. Why would he do that? Doesn’t he know it could make him sick?” To which I usually answer, “I know, right? Gross.” So I’m assuming that she knows that drugs are bad too but I can’t imagine she has any sort of picture of what type of drugs a person might “eat.” I’m happy to have her stay uniformed for now.
I have a friend who discusses everything with her kids. Almost no topic is off limits. The parents will carefully explain everything from the Taliban to Tyler Perry’s sexual orientation with equanimity. These friends feel that shielding kids from unpleasant information is not helpful to them and that given the right context kids can handle even the most distasteful subject matter. Uh uh. I’m not saying my friends are wrong but it’s definitely not the right approach for me.
I’m not a parenting expert, I just go with the way I feel and I don’t comfortable with my kids being exposed to certain concepts –concepts like murder. Elby’s only seven. I’m sorry but I don’t want her worrying about me dying of a violent crime right now. I worried about stuff like that enough for the both of us growing up.
So here are a few topics that I avoid and the reasons why:
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Child Predators
Elby understands the whole concept of “stranger danger” but she is blissfully unaware of what a stranger could possibly want with her besides NO GOOD. And she will remain blissfully unaware because like I said before, I’m aware enough for the both of us and then some. Yes Elby knows that her privates are private and what a “bad touch” is but other than that we don’t dwell. If there was a story on the news I would 100% make sure she doesn’t hear it.
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What Is Sexy
Lately I’ve been letting the girls watch Dance Moms which is probably one of the least appropriate things they could watch considering I don’t want them to emulate acting “sexy.” The thing is, Elby loves watching the kids dance and she thinks it’s sort of funny how insane everyone acts. So we discuss the fact that adults normally don’t behave that way and how it’s a TV show and that explanation seems to work. The problem is that all these girls do sort of sexy dancing and I don’t want the kids to understand why they dress that way and what it means. So I just avoid it and we focus on how amazing it is that an eight year old can do a front aerial.
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Fat
One day when Elby was five or six she told me that she didn’t want to ever drink soda because it would make her fat. I was horrified. It turned out that at a camp she went to for a few days there was a fitness instructor who told the kids that too much salt can give you a heart attack along with the dire warning about soda. Why would you possibly tell a five-year-old that? I don’t need my daughter worried about getting fat! Or just as bad, giving her the notion that someone who’s overweight is like that from drinking too much soda –that it’s their own fault. It’s up to us to give our kids balanced meals and make sure they get exercise but the last thing I need is my five-year-old worried about getting a gut.
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Alcoholism
: I haven’t had a drink in going on three years. But Elby was only four when I quit and in my opinion all she needs to know is that I’m allergic to alcohol. Just like some of her friends can’t have peanuts, mommy’s body can’t tolerate alcohol. I know people who explain the whole damn thing to their kids but I don’t think it’s a necessary burden.
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How Babies Are Made
Not ready for this one. I don’t remember when I actual understood that a penis goes into a vagina but it had to have been a little older than seven. Shoot. I hope I don’t have to do this one anytime soon. Thoughts?
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Nice article. I have no kids but it’s nice to hear that people out there that feel the way I feel. I will repost this one.
my 7 y/o has 3 step sisters ages 14 and 17, so I have lost the battle with the concept of fat, sexy, respecting ones parents, etc. much earlier than my mom counterparts. Last night at the local Roller Derby match, I had to explain to him that calling a girl fat, even if she is, is just plain wrong. He responded, “well mom, I will call her big, because that’s not mean, and its true.”
sigh.
Oh Lisa, that sounds hard. I don’t have a good answer either. I guess I’m lucky that Elby is the oldest.
When my kid was about 6 or 7 he came to me with a tampon and asked “how it works”. After a long explanation, because I usually gave way too much info (I was enlightened, doncha know!) I realized that all he wanted to do was put it in a glass of water and watch it swell up. Now where he got that I idea, I don’t now, but I had just spent a good half hour explaining the ins and outs of the female reproductive system to a little boy who could care less.
We got a glass of water, I got a glass of wine, and we went through about 6 tampons. Good times.
Love your explanation of alcoholism – I think it’s totally appropriate and makes perfect sense. In fact it’s down right genius!
I’m not as sure on the Dance Moms though – the dancing sexy thing is HARD considering even the kids on Disney Channel do it and I can’t seem to protect their little eyes from it. We have dance parties in our kitchen and are kind of horrified by some of the moves that they pull out (ages 5 & 6). My husband is like: “Where did they learn THAT move?” My response: “Disney channel?!”
I guess my warning is, if they are watching it they are absorbing it and when they hear that rhythm.. well there’s no stopping them. That’s a hard one…
Amen to you! I have a 6 yr old and a 2 yr old, and I am so tired of the notion that they need to know absolutely EVERYTHING. I believe there are certain ages where more in-depth knowledge is appropriate, but what ever happened to letting children retain some degree of innocence? It’s refreshing to know that there are other people out there who share these views.
I found this article very thought provoking. I do believe in answering your children’s questions honestly but gently as soon as they ask. But it’s definitely advisable not to volunteer any more information than necessary.
I definitely agree on the Child Predators and Fat thing, There are some things that I just don’t want my kid to know about. And while I think it’s great to make our kids aware of the fact that not everyone is nice, the horrifying things that child predators do to kids is beyond their “need to know” realm. And I won’t get started on the being fat thing. I never want my kids to dwell on body image and what society calls beautiful.
A child of seven doesn’t need to know everything about everything. I think you have to look at each individual child and and try to realize what they need to know and what they are capable of handling. When my daughter was seven she seemed to know when I was trying to avoid telling her certain things. She would hound me until she got the whole truth out of me My son didn’t really want to know anything. He was happy in his own little world.
I have 4 daughters, ages 9, 7, 5, & 3 (yes feel sorry for me lol) and not only will I have to go through talking about all of this, but will have to do it 4 times. Hopefully by the time my youngest is oldest I’ll have it perfected! I try to keep them shielded from so much, but I agree it’s so hard. I just want them to keep their innocence so much longer than most girls do these days!
I have a 5 year old, and am almost ready to pop with my second child. I have definitely been struggling with those birds and the bees questions. She knows that my boyfriend is her baby brother’s daddy, even though she has a different daddy, and that me and him “made the baby”. Thankfully she has never asked how this happens. I was terrified taking her to the OB appointment because of all the graphic posters that show EVERYTHING, but I found that answering her questions as honestly as I could at her level of understanding really eased her and me. She now knows the baby is in my womb and my womb is in my belly, and that when the baby is ready he will come out from the area we pee from and that is that. Also thankfully she just pointed and laughed at the diagram of the male reproductive system, while gleefully announcing that it’s a picture of a boys pee-pee. These are very embarrassing moments, but the doctor re-assured me that it is better for her to ask and get an honest answer based on her age and understanding, and to only tell her these sort of things when she asks.
I’m not sure how or why anyone should be protected from the issue of “being fat”! Kids are smart, they see there are overweight people, and it doesn’t look good. They ask how the person got that fat! What do you say? I honestly reply that they eat too much of the wrong foods and everyone needs to eat sensibly…yes: not too much sugar and water instead of soda! Vegetables and grains and protein. And lots of exercise! Not sure why that is the “wrong” message in a society where yes, being fat means stuff like diabetes, cancer, heart disease….!
I try to protect my kids from just about everything. I mean, why expose them to something that they’ll deal with their whole entire adult life anyway. Yes, they know about stranger danger but to be honest, I think they have no idea that a stranger would do harm. Just that they’d never see family, friends again.
This all makes me feel very blessed that my kids prefer to watch shows like Peep and The Big Wide World, Pokoyo, Dora, and the like. My oldest will soon be 7 and my youngest will soon be 5.
I have always answered my kids questions honestly…they are now adults, and are comfortable discussing anything with me, My feeling is that I always preferred for them to be properly informed..instead of misinformed, by other kids, parents. Sometimes shielding is really NOT in a child’s best interest..I have to put this “out there”///if your child became the victim of a predator=would they be comfortable coming to you…or would they feel ashamed-because “we don;t talk about such things” THERE ARE PEOPLE, LIVING AMONGST US THAT DO “BAD” THINGS TO KIDS. I assume the blogger had an issue with alcohol,,,many studies have shown an inherited tendency towards substance abuse,,,education is never a bad thing…
Sheltering a child and “not talking about such things” are two different issues. I, too, shelter my daughters (8 and 5) from a lot of the world. But when the 8 year old came in asking “what are sperms” we had an honest talk about where babies come from – on her level. My philosophy is if they ask, I’ll answer. But I’m not going to allow TV, or other bad influences, to take away my daughters’ innocence. Kids grow up a lot faster today than we did 30 years ago and my husband and I are doing our best to keep them young as long as possible.
I wish we could get away from the “f” word — fat — with our kids. But even when we steer clear of that sort of talk at home, it’s still there at school. :(
http://www.babble.com/babble-voices/joane-bamberger-pundit-moms-spin-cycle/2012/01/26/hold-me-i-have-a-tween/
I’m completely horrified at the way you teach your child to react to cigarette smokers. Yes, it’s a disgusting, dangerous, gross habit. But smokers are people too. Teaching your daughter to treat them like that doesn’t do anyone any good. I teach my daughter that smoking is dangerous and gross but that it’s addicting and those people are addicted so they can’t just stop whenever they want. While I feel secure that she will never smoke, I also feel secure that she has some empathy for people who have acquired addictions.
I love this list. I’d also add my dread at explaining the birds and bees to the 9yo soon. We’re coming up on the time when her older friends with have the information and I’ll need to make sure she gets her information from me, accurately. I know she’s going to look at the world differently once she has this information, and I dread being the one that changes her outlook. I try to be honest when either of my kids asks me something, but I only share what information is necessary to answer their question and satisfy the curiosity.
I agree with lots of this, but am with Faylyn on the smoking. In fact, I find it very socially constructive how different your attitudes toward being overweight and smoking are. Having been both overweight and a smoker at different (past) points in my life, I can pretty much say that both were (a) let’s be honest, mostly my fault (b) let’s also acknowledge, much more complicated than that.
So, yeah, I don’t want my kid to start smoking, but I also don’t want him to think he can have unchecked access to soda. I’m trying my damnedest to model healthy behavior, love of outdoor activities, healthy skepticism to marketing, etc. But I’m not going to demonize smokers any more than I’m going to demonize fat people. Just help him learn that there are healthier lifestyles out there.
Well , I have to disagree with many posters.
I grew up in a family in which there used to be a LOT of forbidden topics, and my experience taught me that it’s better to foster intimacy to build respectful and fulfilling relationships with kids.
My daughter is 7 and knows which foods will make her sick and fat; she knows that being fat is undesirable for a number of reasons, and that it is , most of the times, the result of wrong choices.
But she also knows that a bad habit can be addicting, be it smoke or overeat, and she is kind and compassionate enough to understand that other people must never be teased over their appearance or their shortcomings, no matter what.
She knows how babies are made from age 5, we borrowed a cute, straight-facts book at the library when her little brother was on the way. I told myself that it had to be done sooner or later, and I chose to do it sooner b/c I did not want her to rely on peers to gather info on this subject; i wanted her to know that she can come to me and ask freely, there is no “forbidden talk” here.
She knows which foods are healthy and which are better to avoid; she knows what “organic” means and how factory raised animals live and die.
My daughter even knows what gay /lesbian means, because she came up to me and asked, and I feel honored to have the chance to be her primary source of information.
We never told her at all the Santa lie.
On the other hand, we do not own a TV and my kids are not exposed to dreadful, detailed news about child predators and the such. In our opinion, this is NOT useful and constructive information, and it has to be avoided at all costs.
I am not saying that other parents are doing wrong by making different choices, but I’m sure I would not like being in their shoes when the kids hit their teens b/c they might lose trust in their parents and look for answers somewhere else. That’s what I did when I grew up, feeling that my problems and my questions might be an unbearable burden to my parents….I started to hide and to tell lies .
With explaining sex, I feel the younger, the easier!!! If you wait until you think they’re developmentally ready, THEN it’s embarrassing! Easier to do it when they’re 5 and everything is so matter-of-fact in their minds. That’s how I did it and my son was very interested on an almost scientific level about how each body part worked and performed its biological function!
Lisa, in a derby context, “big” is the perfect word for your son to use. The skaters would love it–in blocking positions, “big” is a virtue–particularly a big booty! :-)
It’s a whole lot easier to start earlier with the birds and the bees. Peter Mayles’ book “Where Did I Come From” is terrific starting in about kindergarten.
You should train a child in the way that they should go.
While watching Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, my daughter (3) asked why “that one kid is so fat.” First, I really don’t know where she even heard that word. To be honest, I may have slipped while complaining about my remaining pregnancy “fat”. Oops. Man, I really need to be careful. Anyway, I really didn’t know what to say at first. Once I thought about how the movie portrays the boy anyway, I told her that his mommy and daddy let him eat too much candy and not enough fruits and veggies. I’ve since regretting saying that much because for days after, she was consumed with not wanting to be fat. She even said something to my mom to the effect of “I don’t want to eat any candy because I don’t want to be fat.” Boy, did I get a tongue lashing from her! I’ve slowly and carefully talked to my daughter about this and I think she’s finally moved past it. Sure, I want my child to be healthy and active, but getting fat is the last thing she needs to be worrying about right now!
I am so with you on this! My daughter and my niece are both 3 1/2 years old (2 weeks apart). Recently my sis-in law took my niece to a funeral and the next morning when she went to wake up her older sisters she told her mother they were dead. Not only could I not understand why she took her to a funeral in the first place (it was not for anyone who was very close to them) but I also couldn’t understand her explanation of the situation. Dead? That’s it? While I have no intention of letting my daughter live in a clueless bubble I’d still like to preserve her innocence for as long as possible and just let her enjoy her childhood without excess worry like people she loves winding up dead, not that I think a 3 year old can even grasp the concept of “dead”. She’ll have enough reality in her life as it is.
Knowledge alone does not corrupt, it is incapable of actions. It is you, your actions defines whether the knowledge was used wisely , being informed arms you with protection and being prepared, I have read news story’s where children who’s parents gave them the full truth of predators and taught them what to do if they were in such a predicament those children got out alive and unharmed minus the damage of the situation with the information given to them, while the coddled and misinformed were murdered, id rather have my child ALIVE and PREPARED then naive and dead oh but at least they kept their “innocence” a lot a good that will do your child when they are dead. And if you are unwilling to give them the full 411, someone else will family members,children there age at school or the park, older siblings, teachers , billboards , tv etc, TRUTH. I suppose that is why it takes a village to raise a child because too many people are afraid of empowering there child with knowledge and telling the full truth instead of half truths. all for the sanctity of innocence…..how does knowledge take away innocence , actions take away innocence. I thank god for the people in my life who gave me the power to protect and prepare myself in events that i could have ended up dead.
If I understand you, you are saying basically what I feel about the “fat” issue. My 8yo daughter has said some comments about being fat. It isn’t that I don’t teach her about healthy eating or exercise, I just don’t want her to worry about her body image at 8. I have to remind myself that her reference point is totally different than mine (thank goodness).
About sex…I had the talk with my 8yo after my “babies come from God” wasn’t enough (dang, I was hoping that would last longer). It was a great talk and a little funny (she asked how long sex lasts…errrr minutes sometimes HA) I tried to just be honest and matter of fact about it all. In fact we have a deal. I will answer any question she has as long as she doesn’t talk to her friends about what I tell her. The other day she took me up on that and asked me what all the swear words were….doh!