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Stress-Free TV: I’m Not As Smart As I Pretend To Be

 Thanks to DISH for sponsoring this post.


I like to think I’m one of those people who doesn’t watch much television. At times I believe me so much that I brag about that very thing at dinner parties and other general gatherings where I want people to think I’m more intellectual than I really am. Because I read somewhere that it’s a scientific fact that if you say something so many times it becomes true. You can’t argue with SCIENCE. I know that because I watched a whole documentary on scientific facts. Back when I watched TV. (wink)

These days if you admit to watching primetime television shows people look at you like you just farted during the dessert course. I know, because the last time I attended a charity auction I mentioned that I needed to leave soon to catch the season finale of Breaking Bad.

There were gasps. Followed by silence. Finished with unmistakable judgment. It was like that time on Friends when Rachel attempted to make an English trifle and the pages of the cookbook got stuck together so her layers were custard, jam, and MINCED BEEF AND PEAS.

Not so good.

So. I try and sound more intelligent and less TV-watch-y than I actually am. And I’m OK with it really. I pretend I read and re-read all the classics all the time. Jane Eyre, War and Peace, the book about the whale (I know the first line is “Call me Ishmael”), and all three Fifty Shades books (those I don’t have to lie about). I try and talk politics…but I get confused about which team I’m on…the donkey or the elephant…so that conversation ends awkwardly. And so I just end up nodding and smiling and replaying episodes of Seinfeld in my head while waiting for the sweet release of death. Or, an acceptable time for which to depart abruptly.

I never stress out about missing my favorite shows (that I secretly watch in secret) while attending grown-up functions. Thanks to twenty-first century technology I can record six shows at once. SIX.

Can you read six books at once? I didn’t think so.

 

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