1. You must consume at least four of the following six culinary delights. Bloody Mary, Rotel cheese dip, chili dog, Buffalo wings, Fritos, fudge brownies.
2. It’s perfectly acceptable to start drinking beer at noon. Hey, we’re on Pacific Standard Time over here.
3. No one is allowed to talk about mommy’s horrible fantasy football season. NO ONE. (Yes, I’ve played fantasy football for almost a decade. I also play in the same league as my husband, which means things can get a little uncomfortable when, let’s say, mommy and daddy are playing against each other for the championship and ALL THE PRIDE IN THE WORLD. Why are mommy and daddy saying those mean things to each other?)
4. Express kindness and patience when the children ask things like, “Why is the blue man hitting the white man?,” “Can I hike my football (read: Buzz Lightyear doll) in the living room?,” and “WHEN WILL THIS BE OVVVEEEERRRRR? I WANT TO WATCH WOW WOW WUBBZY!”
5. Do the superbowl shuffle. Try your hardest not to get depressed upon googling William Perry and finding this.
6. During halftime, don’t dwell on how many decades Madonna has been singing because, well, you’re old too.
6a. If you have consumed one too many beers at this point, don’t start crying about your fleeting youth. Also, please don’t run upstairs, grab the magnifying mirror, and start over-analyzing your laugh lines and hyperpigmentation. It’s just a halftime show! Oh, look! She’s singing Lucky Star! You used to love that song when you were young and adorable and carefree wahhhhhhhhhhh.
7. Play a game reminiscent of your crazy days of yore. Drink every time a commercial features a car or an animal doing something ridiculous. Wait, scratch that. Let’s face it, the kids will be waking up at the crack of dawn and you can’t be dealing with a hangover. Put that beer down. Right now.
8. Finally, don’t despair over what you are going to do on Sundays until the next NFL season…there’s always Downton Abbey.