As I crossed the 40 year old mark recently, I began to notice certain… changes. To begin, my lower back has become, as Louis CK put it, “just shitty now.”
(Video contains NSFW language:)
And it’s not just my back. It’s, well, kind of everything. Nothing works as well as it used to — from my sagging skin to my aching back to my worsening hair texture (I’m not making this up, people) — and I’ve honestly reached a point where I’m resigned to the truth that I just need to sack up and deal with the reality of my burgeoning decrepitude head-on, because it’s only going to get worse. Much, much worse.
But what I didn’t expect was the face bugs.
Yes, you heard me. Face bugs.
You see that disgusting thing pictured on the left? THAT IS LIVING ON MY FACE. RIGHT NOW. AND THERE’S NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT.
Allow me to explain.
About a year or so back, I went to the dermatologist to have her look at a strange-ish looking mole on my back, as someone decrepit and elderly does. It turned out the mole was nothing, thank god, but the dermatologist took one look at my face and said, “you know you have rosacea, right?”
No, I did not.
For those of you blissfully unaware of what rosacea is, it’s a fairly common chronic (but not serious) skin condition characterized by redness, raised, pimple-like bumps, and some mild tingling. It’s mostly a nuisance/cosmetic issue, and there’s no known cure, no known cause.
Well, until now, that is.
Because what I found out yesterday is that scientists finally discovered the cause. And you know what I’m about to say, right?
It’s FACE BUGS.
Well, mites, not bugs. TECHNICALLY. But still — FACE MITES. Like that’s better somehow. NO, IT IS NOT.
But it gets worse. Those of you with rosacea might want to sit down before you move on to reading the next sentence.
The mites, which have no anus, live in your sweat glands and are chock full o’ bacteria. When they die, they explode, spilling their bacteria-poop out into your glands. Dead mite poop = rosacea.
Who’s ready for lunch? Some soup, perhaps? Anyone? Anyone?
As Kevin Kavanagh, a researcher at the National University of Ireland who served as the bearer of this bad news, put it:
“In rosacea there is a high density and therefore a large number of bacteria are released. We believe that the high level of bacterial toxins overwhelms the immune response and leads to the inflammation. It is interesting to note that [the mites] do not have an anus and therefore all their waste is stored until they die and then it is released in one go.”
Yeah, that surrrrre is interesting, Kevin. So interesting, in fact, that I think I need to go scrub my face with a Brillo pad and some bleach. FASCINATING!
I guess the upside of this discovery is that now that scientist know what causes rosacea, they can actually do something about the HIDEOUS, DISGUSTING POOP-BUGS INFESTING MY FACE. I await the cure with bated breath. C’moooooon, SCIENCE!
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