Long Distance Relationships Suck
It was my birthday earlier this week and once again, I celebrated it alone. Well, alone with my three living children who promptly abandoned me to eat my birthday dinner alone because not one of my little ingrates wanted to eat stew for supper.
I like stew. It was my birthday. You only turn 36 once and dammit, if I want stew on my birthday, I’m going to have stew. Even if it means eating solo, in a dark room, while muttering about dying alone.
My husband had to work. He always has to work. The unfortunate part of him always having to work is that he works almost 700 km away from our home.
He doesn’t actually live with his children and me.
We keep a second home up in the wilds of Northern Alberta so that he has somewhere to rest his head that doesn’t involve hotel taxes and free maid service. Because I figure if I don’t have a maid he shouldn’t either.
I’m a peach to be married to, really.
Normally, I’m okay with our living arrangements. I like to tell myself that my husband’s absence is temporary and one day soon he’ll be underfoot so darned much that I’ll wish he was back to living out of town and I’ll look back fondly on all the time I spent not having to fold his laundry.
But I forget that my husband’s absence doesn’t just affect me. (Because I tend to be oblivious and self-centered most of the time.) His absence affects our children and of course, himself.
For the most part, my children handle their dad’s job with a grace and elegance that I admire. They take it in stride that he can’t always be there for the little stuff but they appreciate the fact that no matter what, he is always there for the big stuff. He doesn’t miss their birthdays or holidays and spends most of the summer at home when they are on break from school so that he can boss them around and I can sit behind my computer and watch the hilarity ensue.
It’s not a perfect solution for any family, but it works for us. After our son died, everything changed. Including our family dynamic. We’ve all adapted and adjusted to the new normal that was thrust upon us with unexpected death, including my husband’s new job that took him out of the home.
But when I saw a somewhat pathetic status update on my husband’s Facebook account on my birthday it dawned on me that my husband might be lonely.
He has to eat the proverbial stew alone every night. Well every night he’s not out at the pub with his work buddies, that is. There is no familial noise to distract him from when he’s trying to play his online games, there is no shortage of clean towels because his children have all forgotten to put their used ones in the laundry and have instead stuffed them under the bed.
If he runs out of toilet paper he can’t blame it on anyone else. There is no one else there who is using it for arts and crafts and not telling him about it. There are no bedtime cuddles, no Wii wars, no shared laughter.
While there are times I’d love the unfettered freedom of not having smalls underfoot or the obligation to be the only parent on duty 90 percent of the time, I wouldn’t trade places with him. I wouldn’t want to be away from the family unit my husband and I created. Home really is where your heart is. Or at least three/quarters of it.
Marriage is hard. Parenting is hard. Doing both, while separated by distance makes everything even harder. But I think only seeing your spouse and children for four days a month, if you are lucky, is crazy hard.
For all my whining about being left alone with my rabid badgers I often forget that my partner has it worse. Because being left alone without your rabid badgers around has to be excruciating.
Time and circumstances along with financial responsibilities have locked us into a situation that doesn’t have an easy remedy. But we’re making it work, because that’s what we do. We’re ‘the glass is half full’ type of people.
That doesn’t make it any easier when you’re separated from the people you love, on days you really want to be with them.
And it makes the bowl of stew you’re eating taste a little bland.
I can so relate to your post. Husband is working in Canada a lot. There are nights when he’s too tired to Skype. (Phone charges get high when you’re in the US calling Canada.) So instead I get an email saying, “Too tired. Talk tomorrow.” He’s home on the weekends though. It’s tough on him. Tough on our son. Tough on me. But the opportunity is a good one. He’s always wanted to run his own biz. Now he does. The project won’t last forever. And our weekends are full of family time. So, like you, glass half full… :)
Thank you for posting this. It makes us realize the blessings that we take for granted on a daily basis.
I hope that someday, your husband will be able to be with you and your kids more often.
Oh girl – that is so rough!!! You and your husband are so great to keep a glass is half full perspective! My father traveled extensively, and what was more tragic was that I didn’t miss him. Be so grateful that you and your kids DO miss your husband and your love isn’t in jeopardy.
My parents had the same living arrangements throughout my whole childhood, and beyond. Luckily, dad had a seasonal government job in the summer, so we saw him then, but the winters, he was sent all over the place, and spent most of his time sleeping in his car, or in sleazy motels in Northern Alberta. He told me many times that he was doing it for us, and I am thankful that he did, but I could never live the life they led. I’m not strong enough. They both felt lonely, and isolated but they pulled through every year.
Thank you for this post. I’m sure a lot of us can relate.
That’s incredibly sad. But, also incredibly admirable.
If I lived in Canada, I would make you stew and sit out on the porch with you making fun of American politics. All while we skyped your husband in to watch us eat. =P
I hear ya, sister. My man and I have been together almost 3 years now, seeing each other every other weekend, with a bit more in the summer with vacations and such. He’s got a kid and an ex in his city, I’ve got kids and an ex in mine. And so we are stuck where we’re at for a good long while to come. But like you, we’re making it work, because the alternative sucks a whole lot more.
That has to be hard. For both of you.
Hug! (for you, not for your hubby. That’s your job.)
I spent many years in the same boat when our kids were small and it’s excruciating for us, but just as hard for the guys going away. When my youngest daughter was 2, dh came home and she refused to go near him because she forgot who he was. That was our turning point.
I always hope others will find that endpoint and have the opportunity to quit that life, and although he’d be under foot, you’d never regret it!
I could almost have written this myself. Small details differ, but the big picture is so similar and familiar. My husband will stay in the phone with me for hours as he does his paperwork or has dinner (in a restaurant, where he doesn’t have to clean up after anyone) or drives to/from his project of the moment. His loneliness is palpable And my chores and fatigue and unending busyness and lack of reliable hands-free phone talking ear thing do not promote the same longing to Just Hear His Voice while he is in some corner of the U.S. Yet he comes home to us very eagerly and almost excited-puppy-wiggly every 10 days or so. And I know without any doubt that we are his world and the Reason he does a thankless, lonely job with his best efforts and devotion.
It is such an amazing blessing to have such a Good and Loyal Man/Husband/Daddy-to-our-kids.
Thank you for reminding me of HIS sacrifices and stirring in my heart excitement for his return this afternoon.
(now. Do I actually proof what I’ve typed or trust this stupid iPhone to not autocorrect with some random nonsense?)
My husband works away from home–though we’ve only been doing it since May–and it is really, really tough. I’ve always assumed that it’s harder on him since I’ve got my house, my kids, my dogs and my friends to keep me busy.
We have the same situation. We are self employed and when my husband expanded to Washington it was only supposed to be a on and off thing. Now, with the economy the way it is, we can’t afford to move to Seattle and he comes home every other weekend. We are lucky because he is living practically rent free with his brother but it is hard having to shoulder all the things with the kids by myself.
I too am in a commuter marriage. My birthday was last week and i am so fortunate to have who made me shower, dragged my @$$ out for mexican and margaritas and provided her young teenage daughter to babysit. It helped me clean a little tighter to my sanity.
We have done this for a year. Although at times he had 1 or 2 of the kids living with him…a different kind of hard. They were able to come home on weekends which made it seem a little more tolerable. Now he has been gone for 2 months. i wish there was an end in sight but i don’t see it yet.
I too can relate. My husband spent 2 years on a contract in Afghanistan. Talk about a commute. I always felt he ahd the harder job but he felt I did so at least we had some mutual respect for our situation. He is home now and unemployed… not sure which I prefer!
I remember we got to the point, the kids and I, of leaving before he left. We walked our bikes down the street with him, as he carried his belongings to his big truck. We kissed and hugged him goodbye then rode away to our life. Somehow it was easier than being the ones left waving.
Our normal, even then, was already distant from the typical. But I couldn’t understand why it was so incredibly difficult — jarring — when we were together as a family, for 36-odd hours, after a 10-day stretch.
It was a long, hard road to realization.
You’re right. Marriage can be tough. Parenting can be tough. Sometimes a mom can be alone with her stew even when she isn’t alone.
But there is stew, right? And that’s something.
Happy Belated Birthday.
Ugh. I worry about this. Right now we are waiting back to hear if my husband got the job he badly wants. Badly wants because it’s better than being unemployed, the money is good, and it’s a job that he would really enjoy. But it involves a lot of travel, and I’m feeling very wimpy about it. I’m used to having him around for every single bedtime, for every dinner, and for me to put my cold feet on every night. So I don’t even know what to hope for.
I know I could handle it. Lots of people handle worse. I called my mom to whine and she said, “Your dad was gone for months at a time when you were a baby, and I managed fine!” But, seeing as I have a kind of lousy relationship with my dad even though he’s a great guy … it didn’t help. It made me wonder how things would have been different if I’d grown up with my dad around all the time.
On the other hand, I’m sure my kids will grow up happier because they are NOT living on the street, dad around or not. And hopefully this will be temporary. Right?
You really made a great point and it is so important to be glass half-full when you have a spouse that is not always there with you. I am in a similar situation and my hubby travels most of the week but we are lucky to have him on weekends. I think he would definitely agree that life on the road isn’t all it’s cracked up to be!
I do have to say I wouldn’t mind taking turns on being the one to travel but in the end I think being away that much would be too hard. Too many things to miss out on.
Thank you for sharing your story and reminding us to be thankful for what we have no matter what it is!
My husband has been deployed to Iraq twice, so I can relate, too. It’s very easy to focus on yourself and your own struggles, and powerful when you remember that you’re the lucky one. Happy belated birthday. I hope your husband is underfoot for the next one.
I sure appreciated hearing this. Being separated is hard. It sounds great that you get the entire summer together! In our family, I am the mommy who is away from the home. I manage a small restaurant up in the mountains. I leave home Thursday afternoon and stay up there and come home way past bed time on Sunday night (or if it snows, early Monday morning). It is hard to be away from my little ones, 8 and 10 years old, but I make myself not think about what I’m missing. I put in 14 hour days and call only once a day. I work and then sleep. I do nothing else.
What makes this even close to tolerable is that I home-school Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday. They are with me the entire time. I don’t have to share them with a teacher or babysitter. I get to see the “a-ha!” moments when they get a math concept.
I do miss the days when we could afford for me to be a stay-at-home mom. I miss eating every dinner together, doing home improvement projects and going to the zoo with the family. I miss working on the garden and canning tomatoes. I don’t know how long we will continue this arrangement. Right now it is working.
Been bicoastal a bunch, currently we are only 50 miles apart and get 3 weekends a month together. It sucks. You start having different histories and different memories and pretty soon, you remember why you liked each other but you’re not sure who this other person is anymore. I am all for space in the relationship but Maine and California were too far apart. And being California and Montana when our son died was really too much distance. You need to be able to touch and hold onto the other person. Still, you do what you have to and try to hold on as best you can.
Long-distance marriage has it’s perks. My husband and I have been in and out of a long-distance situation ever since we started dating 12 years ago. Even after marriage, his job and our circumstances have taken him away from me and our little girls for months or years at a time. But, I have to say, it’s worked well for us too. I do think my husband suffers by missing us, but the kids probably miss out the most. I want them to learn from their daddy and even if I disagree with his parenting style sometimes, it adds a great balance to our family. Luckily, right now we are all together living in London. But, I have no doubt in my mind that we will be back to long-distance marriage again in the future. On another note, one of the best benefits is the spark it brings to your love life! Woo hoo!
i loved having a long-distance relationship with my husband. familiarity breeds contempt. mystery breeds attraction. that said, i don’t think i could do it with kids. i only loved it when i was child-free! i know you have heard it all before, but you are a very strong woman. i have admiration for you.
My husband is in Okinawa Japan because of the military. He left in April & was allowed to come home for 3wks for the birth of our baby. He has another year & a half out there w/o us. It is very difficult to be @ home raising 2 kids w/o him, but I think he has it harder cuz atleast I have the kids to keep me company. Thank goodness we have Skype so he can see his kids growing up. I’m thankful that he has a job but I still don’t understand why his job has to be in another country.
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