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Tanis Miller is a wife and mother living in Alberta, Canada. Her personal blog, Attack of the Redneck Mommy, was an insightful look at the joys of parenting, the delights of marriage and the heartbreak of losing a child. Her Babble Voices blog, Hogwash from a Hoser, was a candid look at parenting, marriage, and life in general. Follow her recent endeavor at TanisMiller.com.

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The Evils of Panties

By Tanis Miller |

I put about as much thought about the panties I wear as I do my socks. That is, when I even bother wearing any.

Which, according to my daughter, means I’m doing it wrong.

Now I’ve been accused of doing a lot of things wrong, everything from how I parent to how I fold socks (I make little sock balls because then they are easier to lob at my kids’ heads) but my pantie purchasing has never been one of them.

Most days my husband is just grateful I’m wearing any. Because more than often I like to declare it Naked day which, for some reason, annoys him.

(A sure sign you’ve been married too long is when your husband insists you wear clothes.)

Ahem.

But a few weeks ago, after doing laundry, I noticed there was a sad lack of undergarments for everyone. The sock monster has taken a vacation and instead of missing socks, all of us seemed to be missing underwear.

So I took it upon myself to take my daughter to the mall and stock up on under garments for everyone but my husband. (My husband insists on purchasing his own under garments ever since I came home with a fistful of shiny gold thongs for him to wear. Apparently the man does not appreciate the true fashion genius of a sparkling banana hammock. Go figure.)

Purchasing for the boys is fairly easy. My youngest will forever be in diapers and my oldest son doesn’t care what I buy for him as long as it doesn’t have cartoon characters printed on the arse. Like his father, he has no sense of humour when it comes to his man-derwear.

As my daughter and I were walking past the rows and rows of ridiculously small scraps of lace that now constitute for panties, I twitched a little and wanted to dig out an invisible wedgie from my butt crack.

Now this might be an over share but I’ve got a hate on for thongs. I’m in the firm camp that thong underwear is just glorified dental floss for one’s arse and should be outlawed permanently.

Which is when I noticed my daughter ogling said underwear.

Not wanting to blow my street cred for coolness, I casually walked up to her and asked her what was up.

“Oh, I just noticed these were the same pair some of the girls on my volleyball team have.”

The girls on her team are the same age as her. Which would make them all fifteen, or almost fifteen years old.

You know what type of underwear I was wearing at fifteen years old? Cotton grannie panties. In fact I didn’t even know there was another option for underwear until I was almost twenty.

“Just a few girls, or all the girls?” I casually inquired as beads of sweat were dripping down my back. I’ll admit I’m old school. I think our daughters today are too exposed to the hypersexualization of women at too early of an age. Between the padded training bras and bikinis for babies, there is nothing I’d like more than to bundle my girl up in a snowsuit until she turns 30.

Somehow, somewhere, I’ve completely morphed into my grandfather.

Turns out, after a series of questions, it is all the girls on her team that wear sexy underwear. In fact, most of the girls in her grade started wearing lacy undergarments when they turned 12.

And their parents are buying these panties for their kids.

I’m sorry but the last thing I want to buy for my kid is underwear to make her look sexy. Heck, I don’t even want her to know what the word sexy means. I want to bury my head into the sands of parenthood and pretend my children aren’t growing up at the speed of light.

Apparently, I’m a dinosaur when it comes to thinking like this. But I just can’t see buying racy underthings for my daughter who has yet to have a real boyfriend when I don’t buy them for myself.

After talking with my daughter I was delighted to hear she is much like me and would prefer comfort over fashion when it comes to what covers her arse. Yay for apples falling not far from the tree.

But as we paid for our purchases of boring cotton underthings, I had to wonder if perhaps I’m behind with the times. Did I miss the parenting memo that urges all parents to shop at Victoria Secret for their daughters when they hit puberty?

Will my child be scarred for life if she isn’t digging out a lace wedgie from her butt cheeks as a child?

I don’t know. All I do know is the idea of my daughter parading around in skimpy sexy panties and matched bras at the age of 15 is too much for this mommy brain to process.

I guess I should be happy she even wants to wear underwear.

Because most of the time, I don’t.

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About Tanis Miller

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Tanis Miller

Tanis Miller is a wife and mother living in Alberta, Canada. Her Babble Voices blog, Hogwash from a Hoser, was a candid look at parenting, marriage, and life in general. Follow her recent endeavor at TanisMiller.com. Read bio and latest posts → Read Tanis's latest posts →

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22 thoughts on “The Evils of Panties

  1. Tam says:

    I have recently introduced my daughter who is four, to the joy of boyleg undies. She LOVES them, I love that she doesn’t walk through the mall with her fingers burried in her butt while her ‘undies are up my bum AGAIN, mum!” It’s a win win scenario. I do not understand dental floss up in between my cheeks. I don’t like to floss my TEETH, I’m sure not going to wear underwear that flosses from the inside!

  2. Katie says:

    To be honest, when I was 13, I lived with my dad.
    This meant, in order to avoid what was probably a lot of discomfort and embarrassment, I received a lot of gift certificates to La Senza. I bought what I wanted, which was mainly cute and semi-sexy g-strings, and then… I got over it. When I hit 22 I realized that boy-leg panties and bikini cut were:
    a) way cuter
    b) comfortable in different ways. (although I never did find g-strings were more or less uncomfortable. Thongs however, most certainly are)
    c) caused less chaffing from my jeans onto my butt if I wore the same pants a few days in a row. (yep, how painful is that?)

  3. Jody @ Mommy Moment says:

    It is hard enough to get my daughter to floss her teeth…she does not need to worry about floss for her butt as well….geez.
    Jody

  4. Julie | A Clear Sign says:

    I have boys, and so I thank you from the bottom of my heart. They aren’t old enough to be dealing with this yet, but TRUST ME – any girls who darken my doorstep will be getting the withering stare and well as the boot if they are pulling anything from their butts.

  5. Angela says:

    I am with you! I say bring back the cotton undies with the days of the week embroidered on them. My daughters are 7 and 2 and I refuse to buy them floss for their fannies. You gotta be outta my house for that one, If that makes me grandpa, then tough noogies, give me my pipe now.

  6. Beth @ notlikenormalpeople says:

    While I get the objection to sexy, not all lace is sexy some is just pretty. Let her have some pretty stuff and she’ll fight you less for the sexy.

    Secondarily, and here’s where I get on thinner ice, so I apologize in advance if I overstep. She’s fifteen, not five. If you think she doesn’t know ‘sexy’ you’re kidding yourself. Not from the cut of some underwear, but from the personal experience of what she feels like when the cute boy (or girl) she likes smiles at her. You remember fifteen…it was all awkward stammering over “the hottest boy/girl ever…” then blushing and wanting to run if they noticed you. Walk into a high school and you can SMELL the pheromones. Sexy is in the air.

    One last thing while I’m out here in left field, if you let her have some special, lacy, pretty, maybe even skimpy undies now you will be helping her learn that pretty isn’t always about attracting a boy. That’s an important lesson and many girls miss it entirely. Here’s a teachable moment. (Christmas is coming…)

    Last, be thankful you didn’t have to deal with these. I give you thong diapers: (http://www.google.com/patents/about/D539422_Thong_diaper.html?id=CFZ_AAAAEBAJ) Confession – I was looking for the SNL spoof. I had no idea it was a real thing.

    Good luck,
    Voice of Experience

  7. litenarata says:

    I agree about the thongs and uncomfortable (but fashionable or sexy) underwear, but I’m also a fan of everything colorful. You can wear so-called “boring” cotton undies with ridiculous, fun patterns and obnoxious colors, or even non-completely-cotton ones that still cover everything up and don’t migrate from their designated location! So I’d emphasis the importance and comfort of being able to move through your day without having a single thought about what your underwear are up to, but also letting her be a little crazy and wear fun colors or even lace if she wants to. :)

  8. Angele @Shoebox-Be-Gone says:

    I’m in the ‘he’s lucky if I’m even wearing any’ camp, unless I’m wearing jeans or dress pants. Mainly ’cause most underwear are just cut wrong! You think you bought the right ones, but when they’re not riding up the back, it’s stuck in your lady parts!

    Daughter is 5 now – already complains at wedgies the cheap dollar-store undies give her (blame grandma for that one!) . I say yay for briefs!

  9. Larita says:

    I completely agree. I have a hard enough time with the idea of teenagers having sex; the idea of buying one’s teenage daughter sexy underthings completely blows my mind! And I don’t think my opinion is allowed to make me a grandma – I’m only 23!

  10. Della says:

    Response to Beth – I don’t have a problem with my teens knowing about sex and sexiness. Nor do I have a problem with them knowing about being ATTRACTIVE.

    If they want to wear cool clothes, some makeup, spend hours on their hair, fine, attractive is great. And boys are going to think about sex even if the girls are wearing burqas. But if they’re trying to attract boys by being sexually interesting as a primary ingredient, they’re going to distract boys from their true primary attribute: their personality.

    I don’t want a daughter to attract boys who are measuring her girlfriend-worthiness by whether or not she turns him on. I don’t want even the nice boys to be so distracted by that semi-accidental glimpse of thong that they can’t focus on getting to know her, having fun with her – and I don’t want the boys, nice or not, to be tempted by her partially innocent invitation.

    Because that’s what a thong is for: starting a non-verbal conversation advertising sexuality. Maybe she’s not trying to advertise that she wants sex, but she IS advertising her sexuality. If she’s under 18, it’s illegal (and for a reason; I don’t think teenagers are ready to make rational decisions about sex). Does it happen anyway? Yeah. And if I’m buying my daughter clothing that advertises her sexuality, I’m making it more likely to happen.

    No thank you.

  11. Catherine Connors says:

    This made me want to stick my fingers in my ears and shriek LA LA LA LA LA at the top of my lungs. Because, seriously. There are no panties beyond Hello Kitty panties, size miniature, in wee plastic packages of six, you hear me? NOTHING BEYOND HELLO KITTY.

  12. Janis says:

    My daughter prefers granny panties(she’s almost 12)and I love it. But this weekend I took her ok dragged her into Victoria’s Secret for a damm bra. I have zero boobs, 31 years old and barely an A meanwhile my almost 12 yr old was running at the park and gave herself a black eye and her Dad a heart attack. So after dragging both her screaming and a sales clerk to the dressing room I said find on that doesn’t bounce. Lol 75 dollars and 2 bras later her boobs stay where they should be, no lacy or flirty stuff just body by Victoria and a wonderful size D

  13. Inelegant_Life says:

    My older daughters are now 18 and almost 19. They, of course, wanted to wear thongs/g-strings at 12. I wouldn’t do it. My stepdaughter’s mom, the “I’m-your-best-friend-and-am-also-living-my-life-through-you” mom, bought them. My ex-husband and I agreed – none of that for our daughter. Yet they kept turning up. My ex would call and yell at me for buying them. I would call and yell at him for buying them. And then we’d both discover that neither of us bought them, and we never did figure out for sure where they came from. (Not from her sister, who still hasn’t learned to share her things.) We threw them away. They now buy their own panties. I still can’t bring myself to buy them “sexy” panties. I know they wear them. I know they’re old enough. But I can’t do it. They know if they ask me for some – they’re getting bikinis or boyleg or maybe even granny. Kinda depends on my mood that day.

  14. Talix says:

    Thongs are practically all I wear and honestly? It’s not about sexy. It’s about having no visible panty lines. I’ve never had the sensation of my rear being flossed – most of the time I feel nothing at all.

  15. Arnebya says:

    @Janis — wow, a D? I’m still sporting a -32AAAAAAA at 38 with 3 kids. My 11 yr old is already in a B. I hate her. I also still buy her “little girl” underwear (although she is into having her bra and panties match. That’s from me). She can do full, boy short, even low rise (although much less). But a thong? Not so much. And don’t get me started on the friggin’ padded bras. Um, I don’t want her to have all that she has. I damn sure don’t want to add to it/accentuate it. She and her sister were folding laundry and found one of my thongs (the wider ones don’t feel like floss and are actually comfortable to me and don’t show under skirts) and much ewwwws with laughter ensued.

  16. Sarah says:

    THANK YOU for ABHORRING the thong -and glad your daughter feels the same way. Just thinking about them gives me a wedgie :)
    Sarah

  17. MelissaZ says:

    I actually started wearing thongs, at age 16, for volleyball as I was sick of getting wedgies from “granny panties”. Same thing with riding horses. And incidentally, shopping for cute underwear (thongs in as many different colors as I can find) has become one of the few kinds of shopping trips I enjoy. It’s not about sexy- I like to shop for cute underwear b/c it’s relatively inexpensive, and *I* know I’m wearing cute underwear & it makes me happy (I was doing construction & nothing else I could wear was remotely feminine).

  18. StrawBerry says:

    While I agree that a girl at her age doesn’t need to be wearing “sexy” underwear, what is comfortable for one person may not be for another. I used to wear the “granny” panties growing up. Later, when I was an adult I went shopping with my then future sister in law. We found some panties for a really cheap price, among them were thongs. She talked me into buying a couple pairs just to try them, they we’re cheap so it wasn’t such a big loss if I never wore them again. The biggest thing that convinced me was when she explained and asked if I would rather have five inches of material sneaking up my crack or less than an inch. The first pair I tried was horribly uncomfortable, but a couple weeks later I had failed to keep up with laundry and the other pair was the only thing clean so I figured I’d give them another go at least they cover the the other area I’d like to protect my pants from. That pair hooked me. As it turns out the first pair had just been too small. Since then I rarely go back to full coverage panties unless I need to, for instances like that time of the month and if I’m wearing a skirt and can’t wear shorts under it. It’s amazing how much less time I spend readjusting my underwear now.

  19. BubbleGirl says:

    I’m 24 myself, and as a teenager, my idea of “matching bra and panties” was black/black or white/white (or the ever so bold beige/beige). Nothing frilly though, lace gives me a rash, and I always felt really weird if my entire bottom wasn’t covered. I’m still that way. I’ll buy medium-rise cotton panties, so they cover my entire bum, without going all the way to my armpits. I have a few pairs of lace-like stretch material panties, in a nice boy-short cut, for days I wear a skirt, and don’t want lines showing.

    I tried ONE thong, and ONE g-string for ONE day each. NEVER AGAIN.

  20. Jenna Boettger Boring says:

    My husband gets pissed that I’m naked all the time too… what’s up with that!?!?! Damn unappreciative men.

    Also, I’m ignoring the rest of your post because my daughter is only 2 and as such I have a few more years when I actually can bury my head in the sand.

  21. Cindy says:

    My girls are 18, 15, and 6. The oldest is a Vickies girl, has been for years, and therefore buys her own over priced scraps of lace and padding. The 6 year old insists they have the Disney star of the moment on them. I have only balked at the Bieber kid as plastering some guys face on my baby’s butt just didn’t sit well with me (?). The 15 year old is my fave though. When recently shopping for “unmentionables” as Hubby calls them I asked her what kind she wanted. She gave me a dead pan stare, shrugged and said, “The kind that go on the inside of your clothes.” :) Life is good.

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