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Thanksgiving Conversations That Make you Thankful Thanksgiving is Only Once a Year

1361242162ogkqfThanksgiving, that wonderful time of year. The time when families come together to celebrate, to give thanks, to kick off that most magical season of holidays and parties. The time when everyone gathers around the festively adorned table and Uncle Fred passes gas, Grandpa talks about his hemorrhoids, Aunt Lucy drinks directly from the wine bottle, Mom complains about the consistency of the mashed potatoes, and Cousin Ed announces that he just eloped. With his boyfriend. Who doesn’t speak English. And has 3 dozen piercings. And is a communist. It’s inevitable. You get family together around a table and the conversation takes off.

My family’s conversations usually mirror the dinner scene in the movie While You Were Sleeping. Disjointed conversations about the creaminess of the mashed potatoes, Argentina having good beef, and how tall Dustin Hoffman all happen simultaneously around my table. Or well, around MY table, the conversations are usually more about the consistency of poop after consuming corn, what kinds of sounds a Pterodactyl makes (including demonstrations of those sounds), and a heated debate as to what the actual lyrics to Bennie and the Jets are.

I asked my friends what kinds of absurd, crazy, inappropriate, and uncomfortable discussions took place around their Thanksgiving tables this year. Here’s my top ten list of those conversations. (Thank you to all my friends who shared these with me!)

 

10. We talked about how the dinner rolls looked like butts. It ended with people taking pictures of the rolls and Snap-chatting them.
Oddly enough, we’ve had the same conversation around our table. We still reminisce about The Year of the Giant Mutant Butt Rolls.

9.  We discussed my dad’s colonoscopy and somehow it degenerated into my brother’s co-worker bringing in his passed kidney stone for everyone to see.
“So then I had diarrhea for the next 8 hours straight, pass the sweet potatoes please.”

8. We talked about how we wished there was something you could take to barf and start all over.
I’m pretty sure listening to some of these conversations would’ve done the trick.

7. My teens explained to Grandma what twerking is.
Be thankful Grandma didn’t try it out and give a little demonstration afterwards.

6. My mother-in-law explained to my 10-year-old what an enema is for…….at the table.
Let’s hope there wasn’t a demonstration of this either!

5. We talked about circumcision. And what a mohel does with the foreskin after the Bris. No, we’re not Jewish.
Hmmmm, what does he do with the foreskin?

4. My great aunt announced that she had a really bad UTI…
I guess that explains why she ate all the cranberry sauce.

3. We have lots of conversations my hard-of-hearing dad tries to participate in, like today when I told him we were looking for a small futon for the boys’ room, and he hollered at my mother in the other room, “Susan’s looking for croutons! You got any?” No, dad. FUTONS. We’re looking at FUTONS. “Fruit Loops?” This is all day long. And yes, I am still crazy about him!
I’m sorry, what? Did you say something?

2. We had a discussion about which one of my dad’s wives were better in bed.
I’m actually speechless on this one. I hear crickets chirping.

1. Someone made Minny’s Chocolate Pie from the movie The Help. Kids were present who have not seen the movie. The entire conversation revolved around the “special” ingredient we hoped was left out.
I can’t believe there’s a recipe out there for the “terrible awful.” For those who don’t know, the “special ingredient” in Minny’s pie may have looked like chocolate, but it was definitely not chocolate.

What were your crazy conversations this year?

Want to read more from Dawn? Get her books Because I Said So (and other tales from a less-than-perfect parent) and You’ll Lose the Baby Weight (and other lies about pregnancy and childbirth) here!

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