When I was in my early twenties and new to relationship sex, I had no idea what I really wanted to get out of it. I didn’t know because I had no point of reference, zero experience, and a belief system that sex wasn’t really about me, but about him.
My first sexual encounter was awful, if not my small open window to switch teams without a second thought about it. The only thing that saved it from being the worst experience of my life was the part where it took a total of thirty-five seconds, start to finish. I’m pretty sure I had on most of my clothes. Possibly even my shoes.
Sexy? Not so much.
Over the last twenty years I’ve learned a lot about sex; more importantly, what I want (and don’t want) to get out of it. And not much of it has to do with him.
1. Look, both of us don’t have to be happy or even satisfied during sex, so let’s agree to let it be me. You get to be it next time. Maybe. We’ll see how this goes. In the meantime, we seem to be doing a lot of negotiating and not enough time spent pleasing me. Careful with your teeth, that’s a sensitive area.
2. Everyone agrees that the male body is way less attractive than the female body because of that really odd looking nose you have growing out that unkempt patch of shrubbery. I would like to introduce you to a pair of scissors. Trust me, you clean it up and it will appear larger. And you won’t have to see me make that face when I’m forced to look at it.
3. You taking Viagra or some other last-longer-erection medication is completely unnecessary. Am I impressed with your four-hour erection? I don’t know, will it unload the dishwasher?
4. When we are heating things up, don’t go straight at me without moisturizing, if you know what I mean. Neither one of us wants carpet burns on our private parts. After all, everyone knows Grease Is The Word.
5. I prefer to have sex in the dark for two reasons. One: Sometimes I’m going to do it and not really want to (but I will because I love you and also want to buy these cute boots I saw at Nordstrom I was going to talk to you about later) so I might possibly, probably be making some faces you’re not going to like. Two: I look a lot skinnier in pitch blackness and you look a whole lot like George Clooney. We both win.
6. I like having sex with you. Really I do. But I don’t want to do it every day. And probably not every other day either. And I especially don’t want to have sex at ten o’clock at night. If you haven’t noticed, there’s a lot of shit going on around here (with all these kids and a house to manage and preparing meals and homework and…) and giving you a blow job is the last thing I want to do, but thank you for asking. Plus, you remember when I went to the doctor and was diagnosed with TMJ? He wrote me a note. I have a note signed by a doctor of medicine stating I shouldn’t open my mouth any wider than I have to. This is a compliment to you and your…you know…girth. It’s not you, it’s me.
Shauna: That’s everything, right?
Brittany: I would also like to add that it’s totally okay if you watch porn. Much like how I watch HGTV and pretend I’m going to one day have my dream kitchen, porn can give you your dream kitchen, aka, threesomes, role playing and anal. Most nights I’m exhausted and I really don’t want to have to explain post-childbirth hemorrhoids to you.
7. I know you think that because we read 50 Shades of Grey and drool over Twilight movies that we expect steamy passion and constant romance in the bedroom, and maybe when we were 20, that was true. But, we’re busy women with busy lives. We know where our G-spots are, and at the end of the day, we’re just as excited about nixing post-coitol snuggling for cereal in bed watching The Daily Show as you are, guys.
So, uh, when you’re finished down there, pass the Cinnamon Toast Crunch.